Happiness Of Others Is What's Left

[.45 Princess]

Though I have not had the chance to make more happy memories than sad ones in my 25 years of life, I've still had some; enough I suppose. Some of them were really good ones.

I started this year getting myself in a hospital bed on NYE for 5 days. I didn't even bother taking the opportunity of celebrating, starting new with resolutions whether they're real ones or just making bogus ones.

My motivation which has been achieving my happiness has shifted last night to the happiness of others.
I have put more than enough effort, attempts, and time trying to achieve my happiness which has opened my eyes to the collateral damage I caused along the way.
Even though I had no evil intent of hurting and burdening others during my journey, it seems I have left a long enough trail of people who were hurt by me. Knowing that I've hurt people also dampens my happiness level. It is obvious this is just a vicious cycle.

I don't know what tipped me over last night and shifted my focus and motivation. There's no specific cause that I can find.

My wish now is for the people in my life, particularly my loved ones to be happy in life.
Even if it means sacrificing the little happiness I have left, I believe it is well worth it in the long run.

It brings me relief to imagine my loved ones living a happy life. Since I couldn't.
That is all that matters to me now.

This kind of sounds like my farewell letter and maybe it is...

I feel like I can let go and leave now... :)

Anyone ever feel this way?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Yep, I have felt like that. I will tell you though what others have told me about the farewell part- your suicide will not bring happiness to others. Whether you think it will or not, it would have an impact on other people and cause deep sadness and confusion. Can't say that I always believe that, but I do know it is true.

 

[Casey_03]

It does sound like a farewell letter. Why do you have to leave to make people happy? Why can't you make them happy in other ways, by staying and devoting yourself to their happiness? The only thing that has kept me from going over the edge in my life has been helping others, not only loved ones, but sometimes complete strangers. You don't have to sacrifice yourself or your own happiness to make others happy; you can find happiness yourself by making others happy.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I have and made the same thread.

 

[Friday]

Anyone ever feel this way?

Yep. Sometimes living for others is the only reason why I'm still here.

Goes double when living for the happiness of ghosts. They can't, so promises to keep, me. Okay. Keep moving, then.

 

[.45 Princess]

Yep, I have felt like that. I will tell you though what others have told me about the fare...

I know suicide will only cause more pain to my loved ones. It's been the biggest reason I've held off on off-ing myself actually.

I'm not just thinking about suicide though. Maybe running off far away, no where and decide from there..

 

[.45 Princess]

It does sound like a farewell letter. Why do you have to leave to make people happy? Why can't you make...

I have devoted to making others happy for a very long time now. I've tried different methods and corrected my ways if I was unsuccessful but it seems like no matter how much I give, love, and try my everything isn't enough.

I just had another incident today actually which ended up not helping but only upsetting the person more..

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I'm not just thinking about suicide though. Maybe running off far away, no where and decide from there..

I have that same thought of running off far away. I nice shack in the woods where there are no people. But alas, to those that love you and those whom you want to be happy would still miss you. It's super hard sometimes though.