This is my first post, not the first I have written as I have deleted many before this one before actually submitting it because who cares and it is easier to just push it away like I have for the past eight years, but I have never felt so alone. I have been reading this forum for almost two years, after I was diagnosed with PTSD to try and gain insight on if this is really what is wrong with me. Which, it is and this board has both helped and haunted me. I want so bad to be able to relate with someone, but the type of people I am around get PTSD from combat, not from being SA. I am a veteran and i have PTSD from being SA, and I am ashamed of that. I was so ashamed I did not tell a soul. The only thing I did do was go to medical. I never filed a report, I didnt press charges, I continued to work and get harassed by my abuser for years until I finished my time in the military.
I told my husband last year of the assault first, who i had literally met a week before it happened. We have been maried for almost eight years now. He has been nothing short of amazing, and he didnt know it, but back then he saved me and I am so incredibly thankful for him. He would of killed th guy as he knows exactly who it was. With his support and love, tons of therapy, and meds I was finally trying to heal and things were going ok. Up and down, as I am sure you all can relate to, but it was better then getting drunk almost every day just to feel something, or to feel nothing at all depending on the day.
Anyways, I finally got the courage to confinde in my sister, who besides my husband, is the only person in my life that I trust, let alone be in my life/close to me. And she is also a survivor (I really hate that word, I am working on it...it makes me cringe), so knowing that I felt crappy after telling her. But also relief because I was at a point where I could even aknowledge to anyone besides my hubby/therapist that it happened to me. Eventually, the crappyness went away and I felt ok with her knowing. I never told her specifics, just that it happened. Anyways, I told her to please not tell anyone, specifically my mother (she is a narcissist as I have come to learn form my therapist...but thats another story). Well, my sister told my mom and my sisters response after first lying that she told my mom; "I was scared", "I didnt want to lie or make an excuse" because apparently my mom was questioning her about me.
I feel like I am back at square one, when I first came out about what happened to me. I have major trust issues with people, and the second out of the only two people I truly trust with my life, betrayed me. And whats even sicker, my mom knew for a month...she never called, asked if I was ok, nothing. She brought it up in front of my whole family Christmas day.
I literally have zero faith in people, the little sliver that I had left is completely gone. I feel so exposed and gross. Honestly I am in shock. When I told my therapist about everything, I was literally laughing and smiling becuase I was so fricken angry. Which she said is a good thing because it shows that i am trying to protect myself.
If you read this far...how do you even begin to trust people again?
I literally hate people, thinking of letting someone get close to me gives me anxiety, i have zero faith in them and this just nailed the coffin for me. And reminds me why I kept it to myself in the first place. Yet I feel so alone.
I told my husband last year of the assault first, who i had literally met a week before it happened. We have been maried for almost eight years now. He has been nothing short of amazing, and he didnt know it, but back then he saved me and I am so incredibly thankful for him. He would of killed th guy as he knows exactly who it was. With his support and love, tons of therapy, and meds I was finally trying to heal and things were going ok. Up and down, as I am sure you all can relate to, but it was better then getting drunk almost every day just to feel something, or to feel nothing at all depending on the day.
Anyways, I finally got the courage to confinde in my sister, who besides my husband, is the only person in my life that I trust, let alone be in my life/close to me. And she is also a survivor (I really hate that word, I am working on it...it makes me cringe), so knowing that I felt crappy after telling her. But also relief because I was at a point where I could even aknowledge to anyone besides my hubby/therapist that it happened to me. Eventually, the crappyness went away and I felt ok with her knowing. I never told her specifics, just that it happened. Anyways, I told her to please not tell anyone, specifically my mother (she is a narcissist as I have come to learn form my therapist...but thats another story). Well, my sister told my mom and my sisters response after first lying that she told my mom; "I was scared", "I didnt want to lie or make an excuse" because apparently my mom was questioning her about me.
I feel like I am back at square one, when I first came out about what happened to me. I have major trust issues with people, and the second out of the only two people I truly trust with my life, betrayed me. And whats even sicker, my mom knew for a month...she never called, asked if I was ok, nothing. She brought it up in front of my whole family Christmas day.
I literally have zero faith in people, the little sliver that I had left is completely gone. I feel so exposed and gross. Honestly I am in shock. When I told my therapist about everything, I was literally laughing and smiling becuase I was so fricken angry. Which she said is a good thing because it shows that i am trying to protect myself.
If you read this far...how do you even begin to trust people again?
I literally hate people, thinking of letting someone get close to me gives me anxiety, i have zero faith in them and this just nailed the coffin for me. And reminds me why I kept it to myself in the first place. Yet I feel so alone.
