Thrown By Realising My Timeline Is Wrong...

[barefoot]

The context of my work with my therapist has been around "what happened when I was 17". We haven't managed to really dig in to it because, when we try to go deeper in to it, I tend to get triggered and re-traumatised and dissociate. Or I manage (not deliberately) to shut the conversation down by going into denial/minimising the experience/blaming myself – it wasn't that bad, I was the one who let it happen, I'd got it wrong and misunderstood what was happening, my therapist is blowing it out of proportion etc.

We've got to a point where we both agree that it's time to try to do some deeper work around it again and I have said I will try to remain open to other possibilities apart from my current version about it not being a big deal etc.

I have a very patchy memory around what happened – partly because I think I dissociated at the time. So, I started to think that perhaps it was the gaps in my memory that makes it difficult for me to trust myself that something "bad" happened – even if I start from the position of "something bad happened", the more I then think about it, the more I tend to end up in a place of self-doubt, because it all starts to feel so unreal. A bit like – it's a really familiar story and I know the narrative very well...but it's not actually about me...it's more like a story I know inside out about someone else...?

Anyway – I requested a copy of my medical notes, hoping that they will contain some missing pieces of the jigsaw. My therapist and I both agreed that it wasn't a good idea for me to look through it all on my own because it was a potentially triggering experience and she was concerned that even a very small thing in the notes could trigger a flashback/dissociation and she wanted to be with me if that happened. So, we agreed that I would take them along to a session with me so that I wasn't looking through them on my own.

But – I picked up the notes the other day and then couldn't resist opening them.

At first I couldn't find what I was looking for and I was starting to panic that I'd made the whole thing up. Then I found it, but it was much earlier than I thought.

So, "what happened when I was 17" actually looks like it's "what happened when I was 13". And, in fact, I was only just a few weeks in to being 13.

I spent ages staring at the dates in the file, telling myself there was some kind of mistake, that perhaps I was looking for the wrong doctor's name, that there was just no way I was 13. But then, I suddenly remembered something – not about what happened itself but another marker that I could cross-reference with the timeframe – and that has made me realise that there was no way I could have been 17 and that I must have been younger.

This has really thrown me. Although I have a lot of self-doubt and denial about what did or didn't happen and what that does or doesn't mean, the one thing I was certain about was how old I was. And now I know I didn't even have that correct. So it's sort of made me question myself more because I couldn't even get the one detail I thought I was certain of right. But on the other hand...maybe being younger somehow adds a little more legitimacy to my current feelings/symptoms/ptsd...? Maybe that makes what happened "worse"? Maybe I feel more "justified" having had this impact if I was just into my teens when it happened as opposed to pretty much being an adult...? I don't know...

So, fortunately – no flashbacks, no re-traumatising, no dissociation, my anxiety hasn't shot off the scale....I feel...ok...ish. But this has come as a shock. And, when it comes down to it, I guess it doesn't really matter how old I was – something happened and it had an impact, so what does it matter if I was 17 or 13?

But....it feels like there's something...upsetting...?...unsettling...?...scary?...about me now having to change my familiar narrative that I've been telling myself for all these years. It's all still the same apart from that detail of age. And something about that does feel like it matters. I'm not really sure... I feel confused.

I guess, bottom line why I'm posting – I feel pretty shaken by this. I haven't got anyone to discuss it with until I see my therapist next week and I'm ruminating a bit, so I thought I'd put it out here to see if anyone had any thoughts.

 

[Mallaky]

I feel you.

My timeline doesn't make a lick of sense. Years bleed into years, and all my reference points dont fit together.
I know A happened before B, and C after B.
Except, I also know I was talking about A during C.

Wierd, scary and super annoying. Makes one feel like a liar, doesn't it? As if one just made shit up.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @Mallaky

Makes one feel like a liar, doesn't it? As if one just made shit up.

Yes, this...and I was hoping the medical notes would bring more clarity so that I would be able to start moving out of denial and minimisation and self-doubt and into a place of acceptance where I could do the deeper work. But instead it just feels like my brain is even more jumbled than I thought. I'm hoping that when I talk to my therapist about this new development, it will still move the work on somehow...but it's not what I expected.

I wanted more certainty....and I suppose maybe I did get that - just not in the way I'd envisaged...

 

[Born to Run]

I understand what you go through. It is very confusing stuff, but I think it is part of trauma work. During the last half year I have remembered all that happened in my first year of life, that I had absolutely no clue about. It has totally changed my life to know this; it was also the worst stuff, and I am still working on this.

It takes some time to let this new knowledge be part of your life, but you will slowly grow into it. Sometimes other things suddenly start to make sense upon having this new knowledge, like oh but of course this or that matches much better now, now I know the real truth. In the end I think it is always better to know the real truth despite how discomforting it may be at first.

 

[barefoot]

In the end I think it is always better to know the real truth despite how discomforting it may be at first.

Yes...I got the notes, because I wanted to feel more sure about some stuff...and I knew that potentially meant uncovering some details that would maybe be surprising/uncomfortable. I think I just didn't expect that the one detail I thought I "knew" would turn out to be wrong.

And, as I said before....17....13....what does it matter? What does it matter if I was wrong about that? But it kind of feels like it does matter for some reason...

 

[scout86]

For reasons I don't quite get (yet?), my T has spent a lot of time talking about memory, including how unreliable it can be and the reasons for that. It does weird things, even with "normal" people.

I might not express this very clearly........ The thing is, in a lot of ways, it doesn't matter HOW you got to where you are. What ever happened, it WAS "bad enough" to get you here. What matters more is where you go from here and how you're going to get there. I KNOW it feels like somehow you have to justify your symptoms and all that. (I feel the same way.) You still have the issues, whether you think they're justified or not. They MUST be justified, they exist. And they exist whether you want them to or not.

But it kind of feels like it does matter for some reason...

I think, if I had found something like that, it would matter to me because it would have me second guessing myself about EVERYTHING. :( I actually think it's interesting that you remembered this wrong. I wonder where that came from? It sounds like the kind of thing your brain might do in an attempt to make things seem "less bad" than they actually are. In general, true or not, I think we tend to see 13 year olds as more vulnerable that 17 year olds.

 

[Born to Run]

Of course it matters, it was something that gave you some sense of who you are; this happened to me at 17 you would say/think, and now it is different. It could also be that there is even more to it than you know now, as you use the words "for some reason". Maybe something did happen at 17 as well, maybe it is linked to what happened at 13? I am no longer surprised by what can come up that we have no knowledge of, as our brain is so clever to hide it from us until we are ready to see/know.

 

[barefoot]

@scout86 - as usual, you have hit several nails on the head for me - thank you!

You still have the issues, whether you think they're justified or not. They MUST be justified, they exist. And they exist whether you want them to or not.

No worries about not expressing yourself clearly - everything you said here is very clear. And useful.

On an intellectual level, I completely get it - this is what I'd say to someone else (and I'd mean it!), this is what my therapist tells me...on one level, I totally get it. And yet...the other thoughts about it not being a big deal, not being bad enough, there's no reason I should feel like this so it feels shameful that I do...I don't know how to make those go away :-( It's like being two people and there's just this constant conflict between the two of them. It's exhausting... But you set this out very clearly and I think I need to keep being told this stuff so that I can try to take it in and not just fight against it.

It sounds like the kind of thing your brain might do in an attempt to make things seem "less bad" than they actually are.

I've been thinking this same thing....did I file it in my brain at that point in my timeline because 17 seems more adult and being an adult when something happens seems "less bad" than experiencing it as a 13 year-old? I suspect that's what my therapist will think too. That I've colluded with myself to create a narrative that supports my assertion that "it's not a big deal".


Jeez....our psyches are awesome...and terrifying...

 

[barefoot]

Of course it matters, it was something that gave you some sense of who you are

Thanks. Yes....it feels like I've lost my ground somehow....that suddenly everything feels less solid....and there wasn't much about any of this that felt solid in the first place....probably just this one thing...

I was ill quite a lot when I was 17. When I've looked back on it over the past few years, I've started to think that I was misdiagnosed and that, actually, I was suffering from depression. Now, with this new info...I'm starting to wonder if 17 was the onset of PTSD.

Thanks @Born to Run and @scout86 - it's helping to talk this through with you both :-)

 

[scout86]

on one level, I totally get it. And yet...the other thoughts about it not being a big deal, not being bad enough, there's no reason I should feel like this so it feels shameful that I do...I don't know how to make those go away

If it makes you feel any better, I feel exactly the same way. And have no idea what to do about it. (yet?) It's one of the reasons I avoid reading some of the diaries. I suspect it's not useful to add ammunition to the thought stream that's telling me "you have nothing to complain about, quit whining!"

Jeez....our psyches are awesome...and terrifying...

Yes!

 

[Born to Run]

Now, with this new info...I'm starting to wonder if 17 was the onset of PTSD.

Already you start to move pieces of the puzzle around and that is good. I am sure you will be glad some time that you got to know the full truth.
I completely lost my ground when I remembered my stuff, almost hospitalised then. It shakes us at our core identity.

 

[jaccat]

I recently discovered I had 'altered' a memory. It was to do with how my father told me my mother had died. I always knew it had been kind of insensitive, but because the real events were too hard for me to handle I had created another truth. Rediscovering what actually happened was quite a shock, especially since I had been convinced every moment of that day was burned in my memory forever.

I've discovered I've done the same a few times. I spent a while researching everything I could about my past, trying to fill in the blanks. Several of the things I thought were fact turned out to be completely different. But what it didn't do was change the impact those events had had on me, or my feelings about them.