So this as everyone may imagine is difficult.... So ill just get it over with... I was sexually abused about 12 years ago by my then boyfriend... I do not talk about this to anyone-not even my family knows..The only person that has some idea of what happened is my husband... Unfortunately he was in the military and he suffers immensely from PTSD. He is what you would call highly functional and to the world, he is the perfect person.... I have dealt quietly with my pain...Always making sure he is ok because I believe his trauma is so much worse... I have dealt with the highs and the lows and suddenly he tells me our relationship no longer works... I do not even know how to describe what I feel... Its like I feel everything magnified and I feel numb at the same time... I do not know if getting a divorce is the best, or maybe continue therapy and see where it goes... or I just dont want to deal with anything anymore... I cant sleep... I can envision the future anymore... ahh,... sorry fro the rant...
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Sufferer And Supporter?
- Post starter DaisySH
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Deleted member 28403
It's okay, good to get it out.
It would probably be useful to get some relationship counseling, and/or to generally talk out the things that are making your relationship not work, also, some theraphy for the previous sexual abuse. Sending nhugs :hug: Hoping it gets better for you
It would probably be useful to get some relationship counseling, and/or to generally talk out the things that are making your relationship not work, also, some theraphy for the previous sexual abuse. Sending nhugs :hug: Hoping it gets better for you
Hello @DaisvSH, wow what a total 'do over' you have just had happen.
Lets get a grip on this 1) You have have had a trauma you have carried around with you for over a decade of your life & never had anyone to talk about this to? Why? Never told your doctor...no treatment?
2) So you have done everything to please hubby & he has not ever once had one of these _'Its not working out moments before?" Even with PTSD tucked well under his belt? Have you considered he is not as high functioning as he wants the world & you to believe? Has this appraisal regarding the relationship built up over time or did he announce it. 'Out of the blue'?
Do you have children, friends, family that have mentioned or noticed any changes in him that have been mentioned, even comments such as he is so good at... Or, subtle changes in him you have noticed?
So, many questions...
I am sorry you were molested & have not ever found the validation of that trauma & clearly not with husband.
You belong in both camps, trauma victim & Carer of a traum victim, the closest person one could really have had some empathy I would have imagined.
But you did not tell him because he came first right? And you felt shame for your trauma right?
Tell me if I am guessing wrong with this?
Have you or husband really talked about about why he feels this way or has he shut down on you?
Sorry so many questions, but without information, it's hard to imagine or suggest any possible reasons but pure speculation. So a couple of more questions, was it a happy union with the usual ups & downs most marriages blunder their way through? PTSD aside? Have you had any respite from being his carer despite his 'high functioning?'
Do you smell a rat...infidelity?
Being just told this appraisal of the relationship must be devastating. I know because I got told the same thing but despite my own PTSD, I was always running after his emotional loop de loops. He had no concept of what my issues were. But I digress. Please write back & let us know as much as you feel able to. Don't worry about venting, not only is is it natural... it's necessary.
One thing I would do, even if your husband has shut you down, is get some professional advice re your own trauma now! Yes if hubby will do marriage therapy great. But, you must look after yourself, you must. Of course there will be cross over between your marriage & your trauma, that does not matter. Please seek help.
I am so sorry for your pain; both sources.
Come back with some information as & if you can & let us at least try & support you.
Lets get a grip on this 1) You have have had a trauma you have carried around with you for over a decade of your life & never had anyone to talk about this to? Why? Never told your doctor...no treatment?
2) So you have done everything to please hubby & he has not ever once had one of these _'Its not working out moments before?" Even with PTSD tucked well under his belt? Have you considered he is not as high functioning as he wants the world & you to believe? Has this appraisal regarding the relationship built up over time or did he announce it. 'Out of the blue'?
Do you have children, friends, family that have mentioned or noticed any changes in him that have been mentioned, even comments such as he is so good at... Or, subtle changes in him you have noticed?
So, many questions...
I am sorry you were molested & have not ever found the validation of that trauma & clearly not with husband.
You belong in both camps, trauma victim & Carer of a traum victim, the closest person one could really have had some empathy I would have imagined.
But you did not tell him because he came first right? And you felt shame for your trauma right?
Tell me if I am guessing wrong with this?
Have you or husband really talked about about why he feels this way or has he shut down on you?
Sorry so many questions, but without information, it's hard to imagine or suggest any possible reasons but pure speculation. So a couple of more questions, was it a happy union with the usual ups & downs most marriages blunder their way through? PTSD aside? Have you had any respite from being his carer despite his 'high functioning?'
Do you smell a rat...infidelity?
Being just told this appraisal of the relationship must be devastating. I know because I got told the same thing but despite my own PTSD, I was always running after his emotional loop de loops. He had no concept of what my issues were. But I digress. Please write back & let us know as much as you feel able to. Don't worry about venting, not only is is it natural... it's necessary.
One thing I would do, even if your husband has shut you down, is get some professional advice re your own trauma now! Yes if hubby will do marriage therapy great. But, you must look after yourself, you must. Of course there will be cross over between your marriage & your trauma, that does not matter. Please seek help.
I am so sorry for your pain; both sources.
Come back with some information as & if you can & let us at least try & support you.
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- Post starter
- #4
Thank you for taking the time to read and ask questions... I was very young and thought at the time because he was my boyfriend and blah blah... it didn't count... He also used to be physically abusive and literally destroyed my life... I was thankful to get out of that and be free... I never told my parents or anyone because I didn't want to hurt them... I figured the worst was over and there was no need to burden anyone with my problems. I just tucked all the issues away and did not share with anyone. I did find that all my relationships after that I was not the same.. Either very clingy and dependent or emotionally unstable... But I thought I would get through it... My husband I know for a long time and although he was broken (PTSD from war) I figured hey, it is worth a shot. Things were good then bad.. he started seeing a therapist but is not consistent. He has gotten a little better as far as his anger but has grown more emotionally detached. I brought it up because I always thought we would get through everything together and he just said, sorry I don't love you anymore and I cannot give you what you need. As far as being "high functional" I use that kind of sarcastically because he "appears" put together to the world... But he isnt. He is so lost in his PTSD... 10 years after the military he is tired of fighting with his inner demons...We do not have children but he has been excelling at work...Unfortunately his job deal with difficult cases and that has also increased his anxiety and depression(Even thou he will deny). He does know about my abuse, obviously not in detail because not only do I not feel comfortable but I always felt there was no need to put him through that... It was bad enough I lived it, there is no reason for him to feel bad for me.. I dont need pity...We went to our first counseling sessions and he spilled the beans... He is emotionally detached, numb and I need someone that can reciprocate the love I feel.. As messed up of a version of love I ask for, he says he cant provide that.. he says he loves me but is not in love with me... he says he knows he is mainly the problem and that I deserve better... All this time he had never mentioned anything before.. He of course bottled everything up and did not explode until I pushed...That hurts so much... because I always put him first because I believed his trauma was more difficult and he had more issues than I do. I weathered the storms and dealt with all of his issues and now he tells me he's had it? I have had hard times and have felt like I dont love him anymore but i stuck through it... that was my commitment to him and us... But not everyone feels the same way... Thanks
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lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
Sorry if i missed this if already said but did he say why? Does he think "you deserve better" type of thing? He might be feeling horrible about himself.
I would keep up w/ therapy both marriage therapy and seperate therapy hopefully w/ same therapist b/c you both need therapy and you in my opinion need to take care of you first.
- Post starter
- #6
We've had a lot of financial problems and outside stressors that have complicated everything.... He said he's felt like that for year but he just thought that if he continue to press on it would get better...I definitely think he is at his worst now and is just pushing me away because he doesn't feel I should have to deal with this too... He says he loves me but is not in love with me.. that he is thankful for all I have done for him and I will always have a place in his heart but he cant be with me now... :(
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
Aww, im so sorry! I know this hurts! :hug:
Are you in therapy for yourself? If not and if you can afford to i would. If you cant afford to a lot of churches and heath centers offer free counseling.
I hope this gets better! I bet he's feeling like he's dragging you down and may even have an issue i have "leave before they can leave me" thing.
I dont know, cant assume why he feels this way but i would at least take care of yourself! :hug:
Honey, it's your choice if you want to stay in the marriage or not. But by him having the PTSD, it's not good for you either sweetie, try to go to counseling about your own trauma first if you want to. then go to a couple therapy sessions if he is willing to do so. Sometimes the sufferer feels that they can handle things on their own and they can be very difficult to deal with. But to save your won sanity, then you may have to separate from each other even if only for a little while. I don't know if you have children or not, but it may cause problems with the children in the long run it may affect them emotionally and they may have trouble in everyday life and in relationships as well as friendships. Best of luck dear. :-)
- Post starter
- #9
Yea.. We are doing the couple therapy and I am definitely going to seek help for myself... It is hard but at the end I need to be ok... Luckily we do not have children... but at the same time that is another reason for me to get depressed... I just need to get out of this hole... thanks for listening.
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
Yes you do! Its good that you are seeking help for yourself! He may come around but for now work on you cuz in the end, thats the most important thing! :hug:
- Post starter
- #11
thank you
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
You're very welcome! :hug:
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