Genital Surgery: Ever Heard Of Hypospadias?

[Kintsugi]

i ended up pulled into a conversation.

No, you repeatedly instigated conversations that were off-topic and increasingly provocative.

This is not a conversation. Back on topic. Thank you.

 

[stillstanding2]

My therapist has urged me to say some last words over this disastrous thread.

I'm struggling with moment-to-moment dissociation and remorse. I arrogantly sailed myself into a perfect storm, naked and without a life jacket, thinking that for once I could offer something to others needing help.

Stripped bare, I left myself vulnerable to my own incompetence and mental illness.

I committed written suicide. But more atrociously, I welcomed other vulnerable people around me to share the destruction. I shall not ask undeserved forgiveness from those I have harmed.

I cannot re-read again this thread without more self-hate. And I deeply regret, after opening old wounds, not persisting in trying to convey some meaning to my original purpose.

If anyone is still listening, I will say that I am deeply sorry for not controlling my multiple triggers. Failure has been my trademark, yet I've seldom damaged others in such a reckless way. So this time, my guilt is much more acute. I have done this publicly, so there is nowhere to hide my shame.

Anyone whom I have harmed is assured that I welcome my impending punishment.

Hypospadias' very existence, its private repercussions and public secrecy have fostered my worst forms of self-loathing and maladaptation. Yet I'm not alone with it, and wanted to spare others a life like mine.

If there is consolation for others, it is that I and many others like me are old. Medicine, mental health services, and education have evolved radically since my birth. It is my hope that someday society too will catch up with the simplest reality of NEEDED genital surgeries for what they can be: a means of helping children with abnormalities to be "not abnormal."

I think it was @Lucycat who said she counsels parents and kids about hypospadias and related problems. To her and her profession, I suggest these beliefs: With proper guidance and modern pediatric surgery, there is hardly an excuse for parents not to spare their babies a lifetime of confusion and trauma related to hypospadias and similar conditions. The best-informed and loving parents cannot shield their kids from society's ignorance and cruelty. And no child is equipped to decide for himself whether to let someone cut his genitals.

While CDC mulls environmental causes for genital anomalies, it is well-known that genetics are an influence. Scientists can dither all they want. But it is a fact that steadily more cases of hypospadias are occurring. One source says that hypospadias and similar conditions rank second (after respiratory) among the most common anomalies among newborn boys.

Why? IN SOLELY MY QUESTIONABLE OPINION, it is because new generations of babies are having more successful surgery, having normal lives including marriage and fatherhood, and passing on the gene to their kids. That SHOULD NOT BE A FRIGGIN' SECRET MYSTERY!

Maybe that's it for me. Cold sober but stumbling-tired and numb. My demons want me back in our lair. They can have me now.

 

[Nikie]

Why? IN SOLELY MY QUESTIONABLE OPINION, it is because new generations of babies are having more successful surgery, having normal lives including marriage and fatherhood, and passing on the gene to their kids. That SHOULD NOT BE A FRIGGIN' SECRET MYSTERY!

Very well said. !!! You have said a lot of stuff very helpful for others..

Maybe that's it for me. Cold sober but stumbling-tired and numb. My demons want me back in our lair. They can have me now.

Please don't allow bad thoughts in your head. You are still the helpful kind person I met few days ago ..
Please talk to me again. I miss your messages ..

 

[joeylittle]

Hey, @stillstanding2 - you didn't do anything close to 'committing written suicide'. No rules were broken.

I often see posters get almost euphoric after writing about some intense stuff that they've kept a lid on. That euphoria can turn into chattiness, uncensored off-topic wanderings, all sorts of things.

Better to keep posts in threads content-based, and quick back-and-forth chats to a minimum. That's what the chat box is better suited for.

But don't rake yourself over the coals here.

Back to the topic - I've learned a great deal from following this thread and the others dealing in these badly handled 'corrective' (using the word the medical profession uses, not one I agree with) surgeries. I'm really sorry for the traumatic experiences they gave rise to.

 

[stillstanding2]

Hey, @stillstanding2 - you didn't do anything close to 'committing written suicide...

Thank you @joeylittle.

After so much exposure, I welcomed some distraction. I let my guard down against unmentioned triggers, and I'm still not right from having done that. Paranoid and confused, I've even imagined certain judging members being amused that I failed yet again.

If I can overrule the malevolent voices that crowd my mind, then stay focused on the next honest word and the one after that, I will have achieved something.

For now though, I must be very more cautious of what I mean and how I say it. I'm writing this in my private journal, so that I can review and edit it before transfer to the forum

I blurted too much, beginning in @Anarchy's thread on "Botched Circumcision" before opening this thread. I wanted to capture the scope of my problem and of others carrying similar secrets.

But now I hesitate launching into some points that were my original aim. That is that I found at least what works for me to partially compensate for my trauma. If I can get it said, it could benefit others of all genders and ages. I need to be very willing to be frank, even graphic, unless I think of another way.

I never intended for this thread to be the old man's self-pity party that it may have sounded like. If I had not had the experiences I've described, I never would have realized what I finally know and what I look froward to.

Thanks again, more than you know.

 

[stillstanding2]

Very well said. !!! You have said a lot of stuff very helpful for others..

Please don't allow bad th...

Don't worry @Nikie. I'm coming back.--David

 

[stillstanding2]

Don't worry @Nikie. I'm coming back.--David

If anyone is still listening on this thread, I must say I'm working in private to try to capsulize some thoughts that have been positive for me. But the subject of self-acceptance after a lifetime of shame and trauma is overwhelming. I don't want to write another dissertation. If I can answer any questions, I'll be glad to while still searching for concise ways to express some insights I have found useful.

Not trying to be vague. It's just an enormous--and hazardous--subject.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If anyone is still listening on this thread

Im 'listening'; just not answering. :hug:

 

[stillstanding2]

Im 'listening'; just not answering. :hug:

Her is a hint. It's the process by which I've gone from thinking:

"I am alone as a freak of nature. They call my birth defect hypospadias and chordee, and it is a permanent, shameful, ugly part of me. I cannot talk about it. Others will taunt and ridicule me for life, unless I kill myself. I am cursed, helplessly deficient, and I deserve it."

to saying to my therapist:

"I was born with a short urethra and a bent penis. AND IT'S FIXED!"

"

 

[lostforgottensoul]

shameful, ugly part of me.

Maybe change your way of thinking/looking at this.

 

[stillstanding2]

If anyone is still listening on this thread, I must say I'm working in private to try to capsuliz...

Trigger City outskirts.

 

[Ronin]

I am alone as a freak of nature.

I'm not sure if I may, but I was told about some similar parts of body & difficulties a bit ago I'm not a freak of nature as Nature, in Her wisdom, doesn't /do/ freaks - would that trace of thought lead to any helpful moments for you or not?