I'm Ready To Move Forward...

[DaisySH]

So I've been carrying a lot of weight for the past I want to say 10 years...I have not spoken about this to anyone.. The first time I mentioned this out loud was on a post here.. To say that this site has been an eye opener is to put it mildly...
A long time ago I was in a relationship that I believed was great. I had a man who was great and loved me.. So I believed... As time passed he became more distant and arguments ensued... I was very young and did not know what a good relationship was like... One day he pushed me.. And apologize... And then this turned to punches and kicks..simply because I did not comply with his requests.. He would then beg for me to forgive him and of course like an idiot I did.. Verbal and physical abuse was not all.. When he wanted to he would force me to have sex with him and beat me again or vice versa... It was a never ending loop that I felt I would never get out of... I couldn't talk to my parents or friends because I was afraid of what they would do.. What he would do... I became pregnant and in one of his "bouts" beat me so bad I had a miscarriage.... The extent of this abuse broke me so bad but I could no longer handle it... On our last fight he beat me but I decided if I was going to die, I would die trying to break free..I stabbed his leg and ran (as good as I could) with a broken body.... I changed jobs, my parents happened to have bought another house and I left that life behind me... I then, some time after, reconnected with my high school sweetheart whom had always been in my heart.. Unfortunately or fortunately he was in the military and came with baggage.. I secretly hoped since high school that he would be the one and even though there was baggage I didn't care... He is kind, and loving and thoughtful.. He has a great heart and care immensely about the world.. He has shown me real love and what I know I deserve... Unfortunately it is not all rainbows and butterflies... His mother and I fought for a long time so he would get some counseling...he finally did but was still very skeptical about therapy... He has been going for many years now but there is no consistency.. I suppose it has to do with him being strong but also his PSTD.. The last few years he has been very distant and detached... I of course did not know how to deal with this.. I mean I still have not dealt with my issues.. I always felt that if I was supportive and tried to take care of his needs it would be fine.. I did all I could... Remembered appointments, helped him with every day tasks and such... One day I finally pushed and he told me our marriage is over... He is no longer in love with me and cannot give me what I need...my world shattered into a million pieces... The strength I had vanished.. I felt so lost... I sank deep into my pain and all the horrible thoughts from my last relationship resurfaced... We are currently going to couple's counseling and he is going to his therapist... I have reached out to start individual therapy myself and let's see where that leads... I can say this site has definitely helped me, or pushed me in the right direction... I am far from good... I am still very lost at times very depressed, angry and numb...but I keep trying every day to make things better... Enough for today....

 

[ladee]

Welcome and happy you are here. Starting the journal is hard, but you did it! You said you are ready to move forward and it sounds like it. So please come back, keep writing and letting us know how you are.:hug:'s if you accept them.

 

[DaisySH]

So I finally made a decision... I have left my house... I've realized that I am worth it.. That I am a great wife, friend.. Have a very big heart and can give so much... I thought of an analogy last night when talking to my husband about my departure... I told him we do not live alone in our house. He has a monster and so do I. The last couple of months I have been feeding mine and it has taken over my life... Him on the other hand... Has been consumed by his.... It is not our fault-we just didn't realize...I refuse to let this monster run or control my life... I know I will never get rid of him.. He has become engraved in my soul.. But one thing I can do is not let him determine where I will be going in life and how I will feel about it.. Enough... I advised him to take "put his monster" in check... He is so giving and cares so much for people, except himself.. He has become used to the idea that his life will forever be horrible and that is so sad... I cant do anything for him though.. I have to take care of me...

 

[stillstanding2]

DaisySH, your troubles are similar to those of others here. I identify with your need to take care of yourself. I had to do that too. It's not easy, but perhaps the healthiest thing you can do. I stopped a long relationship with a woman whose problems, precluded my even considering my own. I left with her threatening suicide if I did leave her, but it was best for both of us. Moving on can do so much good. Take care.

 

[DaisySH]

DaisySH, your troubles are similar to those of others here. I identify with your need to take ca...

Thank you.. I'm having a bad day today but I have no choice.. I need to keep going..as much as it hurts to leave the last 8 years of my life behind it is no longer in my hands to fix...

 

[stillstanding2]

Thank you.. I'm having a bad day today but I have no choice.. I need to keep going..as much as it hurts...

Well. I gave the bad relationship I told you about 11 of my years. I do have the comfort that before my beloved wife of 14 years died of cancer, I was able to enjoy a genuinely happy marriage. I wish you and all such an experience--it can happen.

 

[DaisySH]

not a good day for me... this song keeps replaying in my head and I want to shoot myself.. not that I would... but it would stop, no?

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face—it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice—it chased away all the sanity in me


I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

I am all alone... facing uncertainty and a world I no longer understand... I am so hurt... I thought you would always be there... I can't trust anyone again... There is no point...

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome Daisy and I too had a very violent first marriage. My second one is still holding but it has not been easy on either of our parts... on trusting... any chance you've run up on Safe People by Cloud and Townsend? It's sort of a primer about how to identify people who are safe and those who aren't. Immensely helpful for me. Highly recommend it.

 

[DaisySH]

Welcome Daisy and I too had a very violent first marriage. My second one is still holding but it h...

Thanks Albatross... Ill check it out...

 

[stillstanding2]

I've been alone all along

It takes time. You may find that being alone (for a while) will make you stronger to try again, when you want to. Grieve. But know the stages of grief, and know that some of the pain will fade. Being alone at times can be healing.

 

[The Albatross]

It is assistive though it does contain a smattering of Christian stuff... just so's ya know. But secular peeps who've read it ... the reaction is largely positive... very. Personally I needed the primer because I had no first hand experience of what safe was in my family of origin or first marriage.

 

[DaisySH]

It takes time. You may find that being alone (for a while) will make you stronger to try again,...

Thank you