Mother

[Bookoffee]

I just received a phone call from my mother. We haven't spoken since the summer of 2013. The last thing she said to me was that at least my abusive brother didn't rape me and hung up.

This morning she called wanting to meet and talk. She wants to get things out in the open and has offered to go to therapy with me.

She ended with how she wants to hold me.I cant recall the last time I was touched by another human.

I meet with my therapist tomorrow. I am so numb right now.

I am not sure what the best decision is.

Any suggestions will be helpful.

 

[mrsps]

Without knowing the background you have with your mother it is hard for me to answer.
By the comment she made to you about your brother I am assuming she has issues of her own?
Would it help you to hear what she has to say, are there answers about stuff you want from her?
To me it sounds like your mother is wanting to make amends with you and has been dealing with things from her past and realised the mistakes she had made with you.
As I said I don't know your background or relationship you have with her.
Talking it through with your therapist will be a good start.
Just remember it up to you whether you decide see her or not.

 

[Bookoffee]

She abandon me when I was 8. She met a guy and that night drove across the country and was gone for weeks. She left me with my older brother who is abusive. He was in his early teens when it happened. She would come and go in and out of my life. She I was in her life, that stranger she left with, she ended up marrying and being very abusive.

At 14 I finally went out on my own. When she married her last husband, he was oppose to same-sex relationships and didn't like anyone that was not "white". She honored his wishes and I was not allowed in their house. When I was allowed the rules applied that I was not allowed to be alone with any children or wives. Anything I ate off from had to be thrown away. I would have to endure hate speech and my life be threaten.

When I was in my late teens, I was raped. I went to the hospital but because I was under age, they had to call my mother. She showed up with my abusive brother and started to yell and belittle me. I ran from the hospital and went back later and was treated without them there.

As I pushed through with charges, my mother, abusive brother and other members of my family told the DA that I was lying and I wasn't "acting" like someone that had been raped. My case never went to court even with all evidence that was collected.

The night before my wedding she called me to tell me that she sprained her foot a few weeks prior and couldn't drive.

She has always used material items and money to show her affection. This is the first time she has ever called me.

 

[Gadgie]

Sorry to read about your past, as for your mother, there is not a lot I can say, as I never really had a good relationship with my mother while I was growing up, so I don't have anything to compare that to?

I hope you find all the help and support that you need, from the good folk on this site. I know I have, and it's been a great help to me, I've learned a lot from this site, and had the confidence to express my feelings as well, good luck.

 

[mrsps]

It makes me really sad to hear about your past. Everyone deserves to have a mother to care for them and love them I am so sorry that your mother was not there to protect and care for you.
I guess if I was in your shoes I would wonder why she has suddenly called, does she want something from me or does she realise her mistakes and want to apologise?
There is a lot for you to think about.
I hope you can work through with your T was it best for you.

 

[StarChild]

She would come and go in and out of my life. She I was in her life

And as it seems, she's still following the same behavioral patterns. As you wrote:

The night before my wedding she called me to tell me that she sprained her foot a few weeks prior and couldn't drive.

This morning she called wanting to meet and talk.

and has offered to go to therapy with me.

Could be another way to gain back control over you?

She ended with how she wants to hold me.

Maybe I'm way off, but my gut feeling tells me, that she already started, or tried to start to "rule your life" if this is the correct phrase.

The last thing she said to me was that at least my abusive brother didn't rape me and hung up.

WTF! :mad: How nice... Now, the way she told you this, and the way she acted (hung up the phone afterwards) leads to the impression that she might be frustrated. Could it be, she felt, that you wouldn't take the bait, and therefore tried to hurt you again?

You wrote a lot about what she said or wanted. But I'd much rather like to know, how and what exactly you felt during that call of hers? Any body reactions (heart pounding, nausea, tremor, e.t.c)?

I guess if I was in your shoes I would wonder why she has suddenly called,

This is exactly what I was thinking too. I would be very, very careful. Such people don't change. Why should they? The world has to evolve around them, and if not, punishment in whatever shape is the consequence. All the above sounds like a lure, and even if not... Be and act careful, and take all the time you need, to evaluate your feelings, your needs, your wants, your boundaries and the safety of your heart and mind. It's your life now, not and never hers again.

We're here. And we listen and support you, if needed. :tup: Take good care of yourself.

 

[scout86]

I wasn't going to reply to this, because I have a few "mother issues" of my own and I can't be objective. But, if it was me, the ONLY way I'd consider meeting her would be in a therapy session. She probably wants something. It's probably not good. I'd trust her about half as far as I could throw her. You may have some things you want to say, or clear up (or try to), I don't know. Talk it over with your T. Look out for yourself. What SHE wants isn't your problem. (My T used to tell me that he wished I could think of my mother as being "merely interesting". Hard to do, but worth the effort. :hug:

 

[Bookoffee]

But I'd much rather like to know, how and what exactly you felt during that call of hers? Any body reactions (heart pounding, nausea, tremor, e.t.c)?

I didn't know the number and have been waiting for a few calls, so I answered. When she told me who she was, I lost my breath. It was knocked out of me. I asked right away what did she want and why was she calling me.I started to shake, cry, heart pounding, tighten of the face, loud humming in the ears, so many visions going through my mind that it was blinding.

But, if it was me, the ONLY way I'd consider meeting her would be in a therapy session. She probably wants something. It's probably not good. I'd trust her about half as far as I could throw her. You may have some things you want to say, or clear up (or try to), I don't know.

This is the plan I want to think about:

Call my therapist that I had for 8 years and knows my relationship with my mother. See if she will be willing to do therapy with the two of us. My mother will pay for all sessions. It will start with just me going back to this therapist to get her up to date and where I am mentally. When I am ready to add therapy with her, she will join. I don't care how long it takes before she starts. I want to be in a regular routine with my personal therapist that is doing neuro-feedback and safe enough to address her.

We will only communicate through our therapist and will not meet outside together until we have been in therapy for 6 to 12 months.

I need to get rid of her voice in my head, my fear, my shame, everything bad, negative, disgusting feeling I have. I did scream at her that I hate for not having an abortion. I am nothing more than a product of an affair and punishment from God. I am willing to sit next to the Devil and face it to be free.

 

[scout86]

I'm glad she didn't have an abortion.
Your plan sounds good. You keep control. Do it for you, not her.

 

[StarChild]

I am nothing more than a product of an affair and punishment from God.

Oh dear.. Is this statement something your mother said to you, or let you belief in any way, in the past?

 

[Chava]

Do you feel good about the plan? What would doing therapy with her do for you, or is this just for her? My mom was f*cking crazy...cold and distant, if not raging or breaking stuff over my body. We actually get along alright now, but the boundaries are nice. I have my life. She has hers. I live far away. I rarely see her. She influences my life pretty much not at all.

For you, do you imagine some sort of healing in opening these wounds? Do you want a closer connection to your mom? If you do, then probably some assistance via therapist makes sense...and having a plan is good (I don't personally care to change my connection to my mom, so not meaning to sound flippant...more make sure this is for you, not just for her).

 

[Bookoffee]

Ummm wow, what a day. I am going to try and see if I can I do this.

My mother called at 8am while I was still sleeping.

At 8:30am I received a text from an unknown number asking me 'What's going on?'

An hour later I respond to the unknown text asking who it was. It was one of brothers.

I responded that he must have spoken to our mother. I was at a low point in life just trying to make it to the next day.

Since he works for a police department in a different town he thinks he controls the state and called the police in my town to do a wellness check.

We exchange texts and calls off the squad. I learn that my mother is living with him and it was only suppose to be temporary and she is driving him and his family insane.

I have three siblings by her. My abusive brother was the first place she moved too after her husband died. He kicked her out. Literally. They live in a different state and no family around. He threw her out onto the streets and until an uncle paid her way back home. Lived with the sister twice and got kicked out twice. Now with the last sibling and he is at the end of the rope so here is where I enter into the picture.

I knew there was something behind her calling me. She has NEVER called me. When her husband was Dx with cancer and wanted my help, she went through her sister to contact me and get us together.

My brother and I were able to clear the air on a few of our own issues that we had between us and it was so wonderful and freeing. It truly feels as though a broken burnt layer of pain was removed like an onion.

Next part of my morning. Yes a.m. half a cup of coffee in the system.

I receive a call from my PCP. I had to have an MRI due to pain I was having for months that we have been trying to figure out the cause. I was starting to think I was making up the pain. No, I wasn't.

I have a herniated disc pressing on nerve root and a tear L5 S1.

This mother BS is being put on the back burner. If she wants a relationship with me and will go to therapy with me, then it will be when she doesn't need/want material/living quarters. It will be when I am recovered from surgery and she has a stable living quarter.

I was able to see my therapist today, thank God. We was able to make a set schedule twice weekly.

Netflix is telling me to watch Armageddon. Perfect movie to end this day.