Hello. My name is Kimberley.
I'm undiagnosed. I have my first psychiatrist appointment in 2 weeks.
I my eldest brother (8 yrs older ) was severely mentally disabled. he had a very rare condition that was not diagnosed until he was 25. Extremely violent & unpredictable. He lived in the home until I was approx 11 or 12.I was never told he was disabled, most kids have a boogie man mine sat at the table & ate dinner with me. I don't remember a lot, big blanks ect. My other brother & I had significant health issues both the same in nature. Mine causing somewhat sexual trauma from doctors. I displayed a lot of sexual behavior as a child but I have no recollection of anything. My father mostly looked after my disabled brother & our mother us. All my grandparents died ia a 5 year period including my grandfather went missing at sea. My mother died 2 months before I turned 21. I have always felt alone since her death. As my family do no talk about it.
I have had two mental brake downs after each long term relationship failing. Both mentally abusive. I spilt from my husband apox 9 months ago. Im not doing well at all. When I was in the relationships I progressively got more & more with drawn I felt sedated. Once out of the relationship I could feel emotions again. I feel like I've never felt them before & don't know how to process them. two years in between the 6 relationship & 8 year marriage & now are the only two times in my life I have felt awake or not sedated. My disabled brother dying at 32. his illness was degenerative & terminal. I watched him starve to death in palliative care. I nearly smothered him after a week. but couldn't do it.
I dont really feel I know who I am... I feel like a babushka doll & put on & take off my outer dolls as I leave the house. I also have an anxiety disorder & am dyslexic. They have both gotten quite bad atm. I in a current destructive behavior & substance abuse state. Trying to run a business/ finalize divorce/build a house/realization that I was abused in my marriage. At the same time as dealing with possible C-PTSD.
I just don't know where yo go with the information I have. I'm extremely worried that Im self-diagnosing.. ect but I feel being told to not dwell on it or Im looking into it to much feels so dismissive & extremely hurtful. As I feel Ive avoided dealing with all of my hurts & problems. The feeling of not being sedated I feel its really important to deal with them each in a healthy manner.
I guess Im just looking to connect with people who understand & can point me in the right direction. I feel more & more in control the more I find out. Is it ok to read alot about it before Im diagnosed or is it damaging..... If I can be more damaged Hahaha. good point to finish on Im very creative & love comedy its saved me from everything. yes I am funny. I have the blackest sense of humor I guess because of my past... hope to find my family of freaks.. as I dont feel I fit anywhere.
I'm undiagnosed. I have my first psychiatrist appointment in 2 weeks.
I my eldest brother (8 yrs older ) was severely mentally disabled. he had a very rare condition that was not diagnosed until he was 25. Extremely violent & unpredictable. He lived in the home until I was approx 11 or 12.I was never told he was disabled, most kids have a boogie man mine sat at the table & ate dinner with me. I don't remember a lot, big blanks ect. My other brother & I had significant health issues both the same in nature. Mine causing somewhat sexual trauma from doctors. I displayed a lot of sexual behavior as a child but I have no recollection of anything. My father mostly looked after my disabled brother & our mother us. All my grandparents died ia a 5 year period including my grandfather went missing at sea. My mother died 2 months before I turned 21. I have always felt alone since her death. As my family do no talk about it.
I have had two mental brake downs after each long term relationship failing. Both mentally abusive. I spilt from my husband apox 9 months ago. Im not doing well at all. When I was in the relationships I progressively got more & more with drawn I felt sedated. Once out of the relationship I could feel emotions again. I feel like I've never felt them before & don't know how to process them. two years in between the 6 relationship & 8 year marriage & now are the only two times in my life I have felt awake or not sedated. My disabled brother dying at 32. his illness was degenerative & terminal. I watched him starve to death in palliative care. I nearly smothered him after a week. but couldn't do it.
I dont really feel I know who I am... I feel like a babushka doll & put on & take off my outer dolls as I leave the house. I also have an anxiety disorder & am dyslexic. They have both gotten quite bad atm. I in a current destructive behavior & substance abuse state. Trying to run a business/ finalize divorce/build a house/realization that I was abused in my marriage. At the same time as dealing with possible C-PTSD.
I just don't know where yo go with the information I have. I'm extremely worried that Im self-diagnosing.. ect but I feel being told to not dwell on it or Im looking into it to much feels so dismissive & extremely hurtful. As I feel Ive avoided dealing with all of my hurts & problems. The feeling of not being sedated I feel its really important to deal with them each in a healthy manner.
I guess Im just looking to connect with people who understand & can point me in the right direction. I feel more & more in control the more I find out. Is it ok to read alot about it before Im diagnosed or is it damaging..... If I can be more damaged Hahaha. good point to finish on Im very creative & love comedy its saved me from everything. yes I am funny. I have the blackest sense of humor I guess because of my past... hope to find my family of freaks.. as I dont feel I fit anywhere.
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