Relationship Learning To Deal With My Boyfriend's Ptsd (hard Times)

[Dina Isturis]

Thanks for sharing your story. I just found this forum. I am dating a Vietnam vet that is 16 yrs olde...

Are you still with him? How do you deal with it?? My boyfriend of 4 years was also in veitnam and had been dealing with this issue for over 40 years. I've been 1000% faithful but no matter what I do, he accuses me of cheating, even when I'm at work

 

[catlover26]

Yes, I am still with him. We have been 'dating' for over 1 1/2 yrs now but I have had to accept the 'limits' he has put on our relationship and realize that I cannot change him. The Al-Anon has really helped me to try and find some serenity and work on myself and not react at some of the things he says that don't make sense at times. Like tonight he was going on about how America is doomed and we are going to be in a 'race war' etc and I just don't say much anymore to it. Sometimes I go over there I he won't mention anything like that but other times I think he just has to get it off his chest. I used to tell him reasons it wouldn't happen but nothing works. He basically doesn't talk to anyone else but his brother and he doesn't want to hear it most of the time.

I survive it I think because I do get a break from him. I used to think we could someday be married because I do really love him. I was married for 30 yrs and really didn't know what true love was until I met my Vet. But I know we couldn't be together all the time. For some reason he doesn't want to talk on the phone anymore. He has said he thinks we will get into some kind of upsetting discussion and it gets late at night. He tries to keep things as calm and peaceful for himself as he can at least between the two of us. Now he will go to Wal-Mart and get as mad as hell he says and leave his cart if he has to wait too long to check out. LOL But doesn't seem to have the patience for me. He doesn't really get mad at me but is uncomfortable when we discuss some things. But like I said I have accepted this. I have come too close to feeling our relationship was over and I don't want that to happen.

I will not put up with abuse from him or him talking bad to me. He treats me well although we don't go out anywhere and I do know he loves me so for now I believe we can make it. He has become a little more affectionate than he was.

I don't know what to tell you about your guy. In Al-Anon the principles we learn work in our everyday life not just with an Alcoholic. We learn it is best not to react when they say things that are so irrationable like what your Vet is telling you about you cheating on him. Why he could be doing it I could only guess it is his lack of self confidence and really there is nothing you can do about that. He has to get confidence in himself. No matter what you tell him and try to convince him that you would never do that it is like they really don't hear it when they are in a 'certain' kind of mood. That is why I have decided I try not to bring up things that I used to talk about that really don't matter. My Vet has admitted he has very low self esteem.

Sorry this is so long. It is just very complicated and hard to explain the situation and how he can change from one night to another. I usually feel I am on a roller coaster. Thankfully the 'ride' has been enjoyable for over a week now.

I wish you the best. Keep posting any thoughts here. This has helped me so much to understand his behavior. No matter how old their behavior and actions seem all alike.

Hang in there and realize you are not the problem. You can only work on making yourself a better and happier person. You can't
'fix' him.
'

 

[Legavaro]

Thank you so much for sharing this.

I love my boyfriend so much, He also a veteran and there's a lot of times when he won't respond my txts or calls and I lot of the times I don't know how to act, I can't say I understand what he went trough but I'm doing my best to be there for him all the time.

He's a great guy and I know he loves me

Just this last weekend he was acting like that so after me calling him and texted him he didn't respond so he txted me later saying "I'm driving, God! can you be more pasient? "I didn't txt him back since it was already late I just went to bed.... next day I didn't txt him usually I will txt him or called him but this time I didn't

He came to me faster than before. He even apologized for being so rude and told me he was just frustrated and he didn't mean to take it on me, even thou he did. I smile at him and said... just don't do it again and made a joke saying... "because that was not in the contract" he smiled and said I Love you, I'm So Lucky.

Everything it's been great since that day.

I know is not easy, but with Love and pasient everythingis posible :)

 

[christy86]

I'm not calling him my bf yet cause we only been dating for a month and a half, only went one two dates and a few hangout at his place.

Hes had a few bad relationships that he has been cheat on and having his mom died so young.

Its my first time dating a military guy who has ptsd, the first month he would text me every day til he fall asleep. Then he suddenly change coming month with not texting me or calling. finally i gave him a deadline that he doesnt contact me so i will think hes not into me anymore. he finally text me a day after telling me why. i told him that i would appreciate if he can just communicate with me a little so i know that he doesnt feel like talking so i could give him space. That week i need my car fix so he was willing to fix it for me. i stay and watch him and his friend fix my car., i went to work and he text me that he wanted me to stay over at his place for the night so i went over and stay til the next afternoon. then he hasn't text me since then.

Hes a good guy and i really like him. but with all the silence and ignorance from me just make me feel lonely. i just need some advice from you ladys how to deal with it.

 

[RebelRoyale]

I'm so glad to know I'm not alone with this kind of problem. I am a High School student of the age of 16 named Gabby and my boyfriend is named Gabe. Since I met him, he shows the signs that he suffering from PTSD. I met him back about 1 year ago in early February. I was just a clueless girl that fell hard for her bestfriend...I knew alot about him and I knew all the reasons he had gotten his PTSD.

His father was very abusive towards him and often drank himself into a fury frenzy. His mother was abusive as well, and since he was the oldest child, he felt it was his job to take his parents' beating for his stepbrother and stepsister so they could have a semi-normal childhood. His stepmother was a bitch to him all the time, and so was his stepbrother. I was with him and his family one time when the freaking kid went and hit the both of us with a METAL BASEBALL BAT. He hit my boyfriend in his head and me in my right leg. The parents said absolutely nothing to the stepson, who is a top batter on his baseball team, and that to me was very appalling.

He was a lone wolf in Stockton High School and most of his friends had A) Had killed themselves, B) Moved away, C) Ditched him for new friends Or D) Disappeared completely. He had 7 other girlfriends before me and all of them had basically cheated on him or left him after he wouldn't spend a shit load of money on them so he had a lot of bad relationships that added to that as well. He had seen his one of his closest friends shoot himself with a shotgun and had been abused as well as bullied at a young age before he had develop PTSD
.
The whole time I been with him and knew him, he was a kind hearted person who would stop to help someone in need (In fact...he and I became bestfriends after he had help me kick my habit of cutting my wrists and thighs from the pain I had suffered from being unwanted by a guy and being told I was too ugly for them). I learn about what he had to go through and I felt a connection with him.

Its was about a month into our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend that I really saw the signs of his PTSD. He was so lovey-dovey and would always call me to see if I was okay but as we got more deeper into our relationship he grew more distanced from me. He had always called me before he had to go to school or before he went to sleep just to tell me that he loved me so much (We both live in California but in different cities and miles apart).

After our second month together, he completely stopped calling me and didn't pick up until a week later. He was yelling at me over little things that I had absolutely no power over. He would throw huge fits claiming I was sleeping around with other men while he was away on his training(and let me explain something here...I am a virgin so no way in hell could I be sleeping around if I chosen to save it for marriage). On one occasion in July, He had actually tried to choke me to death and make me pass out from lack of oxygen as well as left me a huge purple bruise around my neck over a small arguement about what he wanted to do with his life savings (I simply told him not to spend it on me at all because I hate it when someone givesme something expensive).

I knew it was going to be hard to do but I broke up with him in July right after my 15th birthday and lo and behold...I turned out to be bisexual. I met my girlfriend of 3 months (may she rest in peace). He went off to finish his training and I only looked back at least....i don't know....four times. A few months after the loss of my girlfriend I had gotten a call from my ex telling me that he wanted to get back with me, and little old me still had a flame for my first lover.
Its currently now 2 months after we gotten back together and now I know. There are other strong women out there that are dealing with what I'm going through. I am grateful to know that there are others who have and are dealing with this as well.

I know...it seems a bit stupid for someone as young as me to be doing what y'all are doing and yes...my parents question my motives and my friends judge me for what I am doing. People in school stare at me as if I am a freak just because I walk around with a jacket that says "Roses are Red, Cammies are Green, My man is a freaking U.S Marine" and on the back it says "USMC PROPERTY OF A MARINE, DON'T TOUCH, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT." I'm proud to say I'm in love with a PTSD Marine, and I know there is no way to fix him but it doesn't hurt to help him either. Sorry if its a bit too long but hey it made me feel like a weight was lifted off my chest.^^

 

[WVgirldiane]

Hi,
I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. He was in the Marine Corps and did a tour in Ir...

This sounds so much like what I am going through with John. We have been together over three years, but may as well say off and on. We lived together and were engaged, and then he moves out. I am sure the things that occurred before he moved out were because of the PTSD. He started withdrawing but he would limit the problem. I think he would be in a much better place now. He keeps saying he wants to rebuild this relationship and I do too . He also was a Marine and was in Iraq .

But last week I found out that I had abnormal mammogram and I had to have the place removed last Friday. I asked him today if it came back bad would he be able to handle it, and he told me probably not . I ask him if he remembered telling me that if I got sick he would stay with me and take care of me. He said yes but that was before I knew anything about PTSD. I believe he had it before he met me because of something that happened in Iraq .

I've tried to standby and support him. I have told him how much I love him and that I will be here for him, but now I'm thinking if you can so easily walk away from me, is there any reason for me to keep trying?

I hate to give up but I don't know how I can deal with this. We were so happy when we first met. We were so much in love, we did things together, and there was no lack of communication. Now I feel like a ghost.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He had actually tried to choke me to death and make me pass out from lack of oxygen as well as left me a huge purple bruise around my neck over a small arguement

You need to get out now. Period. That kind of abuse is unacceptable. PTSD does not excuse violence.

 

[Friday]

I'm so glad to know I'm not alone with this kind of problem. I am a High School student of the age of 16

On one occasion in July, He had actually tried to choke me to death and make me pass out from lack of oxygen as well as left me a huge purple bruise around my neck over a small arguement about what he wanted to do with his life savings (

From a US Marine... This isn't PTSD, this is abuse. Furthermore, being 16, you are jail-bait & he's in some serious breech of UCMJ rules & regs. So he's abusing you & he's giving the finger to the Corps in the same go by conduct unbecoming and a whole host of other charges. He's clearly not going to do the right thing here, so it's on you. For true get out, & get out, now. Don't walk, run.

***

ETA... I've been the 13-16yo chick dating sailors... I grew up on Navy bases. I never got what the big freaking deal was, especially as I wasn't sleeping with these blokes, we were "just" dating. Then I enlisted & I found out what the big freaking deal was; Honor.

No one ever sat me down as a teenager an explained why the men who knew how old I was, and were still willing to date me were not men I should be dating. You swear an oath, and while a lot of tomfoolery & f*cking around is justifiably seen as just blowing off steam, no harm no foul? This ain't one of those. ((And even if it were... Do you "just" want to be the equivalent to a regrettable drunken night?)) It's a hard lesson in life that assholes, oath breakers, & abusive pricks can also be sweet, charming, kind, funny, amazing in every other way... In fact, they usually are.

If you've ever wondered why the hell people stay in abusive relationships? That's why. Because there are deeply wonderful things about assholes, oath breakers, & abusive pricks... That people fall in love with. Most battered wives & abused husbands aren't stupid. They don't stay with an asshole because they like being abused. They stay because of the good times. But in a healthy relationship? Including a PTSD relationship? There's never that disconnect. The line which shall never be crossed? Is never crossed. Period. Love is not an excuse for abuse. PTSD is not an excuse for abuse.

So the men I was dating? There character was already over the line. Was I an amazing person? Damn straight. But I was also jail-bait. Which meant men of good character? No way in hell would they come near me with a 10' pole. No matter how amazing I was, they were just as amazing because they possessed enough honor to step back and say no way.

 

[Ronin]

I'm proud to say I'm in love with a PTSD Marine

Honey, you're sixteen and in love with an asshole who doesn't deserve to wear his profession with pride if he can't act it.

Abusing a teen is never something honorable, he should stop & own up to it & never do it with anyone else.

You deserve better. He is no good.

 

[RebelRoyale]

From a US Marine... This isn't PTSD, this is abuse. Furthermore, being 16, you are jail-bait & he's...

I understand what you mean but....*sighs*...I can't really leave him....and it was my fault he choke me....we were both drunk and high at a friends house and I popped out of no where and scared him.

 

[Ronin]

I can't really leave him

Of course you can.

Can you tell us why you feel you can't leave him?

What's difficult with it? It's okay to find it hard, & I bet we can help you with that, but need to hear what's hard in it for you.

and it was my fault he choke me

It wasn't your fault. It can't ever be your fault.

Alcohol isn't an excuse for violence.

Being startled isn't an excuse for his bad choices.

You don't deserve to be hurt, for nothing you do or don't do.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@RebelRoyale I've been with my combat vet sufferer for years. I have scared the ever living shit out of him accidentally a number of times... It's hard to NOT scare or surprise a PTSD sufferer, exaggerated startle response is a symptom. But guess what? He has never touched a hair on my head in anger.

Are you 15 or 16? You said 16, but then you said you turned 15 in July. Plus, you've only dated this guy for like 7 months total. You can easily break up with him. You're not married, you don't have financial dependence on him, you don't have kids together. All you have to do is break up.

You are so young you have plenty of time to grow up more and find a man who won't abuse you.