My husband died today

[NarcSis]

@joeylittle thank you so much for your words, they not only give me comfort but also confidence in knowing that I have the right to be how I am whether they approve or not.

We sorted through the things from his car today, the stuff from the trunk was all fine and we made some neat piles but the stuff from the interior of the vehicle we had to take care with - I know how blood can aerosol-ize so I made sure we wore gloves and wiped everything down whether it looked clean or not. That task was extremely exhausting and throughout I felt bouts of panic course through me.

I checked our mail - another task that used to be his and as we sat down to dinner, I opened a strange looking letter addressed to me. It was a sympathy card from my husbands dentist! He went on about their longstanding relationship, how amazing a man my husband was and how truly sorry he was for my loss. His dentist!!! I put the card down and burst into tears, genuine, deep sorrowful tears. A little part of my brain shouted, "Atta girl, have a true cry, feel that loss!"

I've had condolences from his coworkers from previous professions and he was in this one for nearly 25 years already! If that's not testament enough to the type of man he was, then I don't know what is.

I admitted today that I'm afraid to wash the sheets on our bed. I cried as I said I don't want to lose the smell of him here. I inhale his scent every night. It's just so damned lonely.

I had a panic attack trying to plan for the future - assessing monthly costs, weighing those against any possible sources of income like survivors benefits or disability. The costs of maintaining this house seem out of reach right now because I'm basing it on the current funds available in my account right now. Then there are funeral expenses, feeding myself, driving anywhere and house repairs. With my current balance I can last about 5 months. I'm hoping none of the banks or insurance companies drag their feet or I may end up losing this place.

I don't want to lose my home. I started trying to think of ways to bring in income and tossed around the idea of a boarder but I think that is just panic talking. They always say, no big decisions, right?

I spoke with a friend who'd lost her husband and it made me feel so good to know that someone gets this and can help me to normalize everything I'm dealing with. I also spoke with another friend who is a social worker and she helped me to begin the necessary processing of the event.

I begin grief therapy on Monday via phone pro bono, thank god. I considered calling a crisis line last night just to talk stuff out with someone who isn't my sister but wasn't sure if that constitutes a "crisis".

My emotions are up & down and mid-way then all over. It's all so exhausting. On top of everything, we found an error on the dc today so tackling the administrative stuff will be delayed until next week! Uggh!

I keep dreading dealing with my sister then I keep dreading being here alone. I want to be alone with someone here, weird huh?

Most times I don't know what to feel. :(

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I kept his pillow for the smell of him and I also kept one of his flannel shirts which I still occasionally cuddle with. It has lost the smell of him but I can relate to that.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with so much expenses and fears of an unknown future. You sure deserve a break @Medic. I am really still reeling from being shocked at this experience you are going through right now.

I lasted five months in our home and I had to sell it and moved in with my daughter and her children for two years and now I live in my own apartment and am ok with being alone now but it is going on three years for me.

Hang in there and go ahead and feel what you feel, no matter what. Go at your own pace slowly so you do not overexhaust yourself ok? Hugs.

 

[stillstanding2]

I admitted today that I'm afraid to wash the sheets on our bed. I cried as I said I don't want to lose the smell of him here. I inhale his scent every night. It's just so damned lonely

Changing the sheets is up to you when you are ready. You could do as I did, placing my wife's pillow in an airtight container, opening it only briefly at special, private times.

I had a panic attack trying to plan for the future - assessing monthly costs, weighing those against any possible sources of income like survivors benefits or disability. The costs of maintaining this house seem out of reach right now because I'm basing it on the current funds available in my account right now. Then there are funeral expenses, feeding myself, driving anywhere and house repairs. With my current balance I can last about 5 months. I'm hoping none of the banks or insurance companies drag their feet or I may end up losing this place.

You might start a list of these concerns, and carefully choose among those who say they want to help, to delegate them the simpler things, laundry, lawn work, cooking, phone calls, research on financial services, even potential employment when it is time. Just sorting the mail by priority is something a volunteer can do.

I had a best friend go through my overdue bills, and write the checks that I needed only to sign.

 

[Chris516]

He committed suicide. I don't know what I'm going to do now.

My heart goes out to you.

 

[stillstanding2]

Changing the sheets is up to you when you are ready. You could do as I did, placing my wife's pi...

Here's something from my experience which might be useful to you. Sorry I didn't think of it before.

You might ask a volunteer to research all of your husband's former employers for any insurance policies which might still be in force. Only a couple of years ago, an insurance company found me to say it still had an old (employer-provided) policy on my wife. I had never known about it, and perhaps my wife hadn't either from so long before. When they paid off (with 22 years' interest), it was a much-needed windfall. Perhaps a good friend might investigate this possibility for you.

If nothing else, it will give somebody something very worthwhile to do in helping you. I hope they find something that can be a happy surprise. :hug:

 

[Neverthesame]

I have to admit I am so grateful for the people here. I am so glad that you have so many people who are able to say things that are helpful to you in the wake of this tragedy. Where I cannot find the words.

I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I want you to know that you are still very much in my thoughts.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm glad that you feel strong enough and safe enough to reach out for help here. It seems like you have a lot of support in this community. I'm glad that others are coming together to help you in your time of need.

Sending positive thoughts and well wishes your way.

 

[NarcSis]

Tomorrow will be two weeks already since he killed himself. My happy, healthy man decided to take a gun and shoot himself near his heart - a heart that in his mind was defective, was going to take his job from him and was going to ruin everything for him.

I keep saying things like, "last Friday we did x" or "last Saturday he was y". My mind doesn't understand how much time has actually passed here in reality.

I just don't get it. What broke in his head that day? Why would a stupid physiotherapist tell him he had an enlarged heart on x-ray!? You can't diagnose it that way!!!! I keep hearing, "but he was a smart man, surely he would have known..." He didn't. I didn't. It wasn't until I spoke to his family doc two days after the fact that he told me that it is impossible to diagnose an enlarged heart on x-ray - they all look enlarged on x-ray!

My poor, poor, dear, loving, calm, rational, sometimes prone to being a little paranoid, husband succumbed to fear and thinking errors. He listened to the pain in his body and he decided there was no other way out of it. What the hell happened?

Like, seriously, what in hell f#cking happened on that day!?

There was apparently some issue with the shells found with his gun? No one's told me anything - they'll f#cking tell me that he bled out in his F'ing car but they won't tell me what issue they had with the shells found on scene? I didn't know what kind of shells he had to begin with. All they found in our basement were "dummy" rounds but my sister and I later found some target rounds in a case but I couldn't say if there are any missing. I don't know anything about his guns, I never wanted too, they scared me too much!

They were originally investigating it as a homicide...why would anyone kill him? The coroner's report said "self inflicted gun shot wound". To me that says "suicide" doesn't it? He had his own gun on scene, at least, it was missing from his case and it's not in our house. You know they actually asked me if I wanted it back!? Ummm, yeah, let's give this woman, in shock from her husband's suicide, who also happens to have PTSD, let's give her back a shotgun!!!???

If there was some question as to the shells on scene, what was it? He is associated with many cops, so please, do not tell me that maybe someone provided him with shells that could seriously blow him away!? I'm not even fully sure if the case is closed - no one is talking to me...just like no one spoke to me on scene that day. What the hell? I'm too fragile? I just dealt with my husband shooting himself out of the fcking blue, for reasons unknown to me, and I planned and buried him pretty much in a fcking haze - who is fragile here?

I just don't understand. We received all of his possessions back, wallet, phone, contents of his car, plates etc. so that must mean that they've closed the case and aren't looking any further, right? Why would no one just come out and spit up those words, "We've deemed it a self inflicted gsw homicide, and there are no indications of foul play, we are closing the case file." Taadaa. End of story. Case Closed. But nope, I haven't got any of that. He's buried. It's all done. Here we are trying to grapple with closing out his affairs and I am still in doubt about the case itself. Graaaahhh!!!

I think it's because my brother stopped in today and said to my sister, "Did you get a call from that investigator?" as though she'd contacted him but he looked at me sideways and didn't elaborate any further on it. Apparently my other brother, the minister mentioned that he felt I should be placed in a mental institution of some kind "because of her inability to look after herself because of her PTSD" UMMMMM!??? Where the fck have these people been for 8 years while I struggled to get the upper hand on my symptoms!? What in hell??? Like how stupid are you that you think, me, being of sound mind and body, needs to be institutionalized!? How ridiculous and stigma promoting! I've already been living mostly alone while my husband worked, 12 hours per day, 14 days per month. I look after myself!!

For my husband, there was no forethought to any of this, of this fact I am sure. I have bills outstanding that I will be required to pay before the end of the month, I checked today and he only paid the bills that he had already received in the mail - there are still three accounts outstanding! Uggh. It gave me a panic attack! Changing names on accounts, changing emails, redoing all of the online access information - completely insane! It's a total nightmare for me....and I just wish he'd come pulling up into the stupid driveway, come into the house and tell me it was all just a huge cruel joke on me!

I don't want to die. I've said this before and a million times over. I don't want to die. Right now, i won't die, I feel safe in that knowledge...but when the people who are flooding my house leave in a month or two, then what? How about y'all get me used to having people around constantly doing things for me and then you just suddenly drop me and stop coming around? Oh yeah, that transition is not going to go well.

I'm never going to hold him again. I'm never going to hear him snore. I'm never going to be able to call him Tinny ever again...no one is going to get my jokes, no one is going to talk about quantum physics with me, no one is going to speculate on life the universe and everything with me ever again. What good is he to me as pure energy? I want him back. I want HIM!!! (sobs)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I remember doing all of the financial stuff so soon after my husbands death and I was able to do it all very fast, because I wanted closure. You will get it all done as well in time.

I understand the great amputation of losing your soulmate and feeling as if a part of you has been amputated.

I hated it the whole ordeal and you have your family putting themselves in a place of power over you. It sounds like they are steamrolling you. It is very hard when the people around you do not want to talk about it or listen to it and want you to move on but do not let them do this to you.

It is impossible to face each day alone. It is really hard to think straight to handle the financial end of things but just breathe and take the best care of you that you are able. Remember to eat and drink water. It was so hard to eat because I had lost my apetite.

I wish you had safe people around you to assist you.

Take it one thing at a time and let yourself get all of the rest you need right now.

My heart hurts because I am still in shock over this. Keep on writing and getting it all out mabe it will help you to be able to begin to start the journey of loss and trying to find some closure for yourself. I think that you will never get over this but healing does come eventually, it just takes a long time.

 

[NarcSis]

PTSD mind doesn't get that he's gone. It searches the room when I partially wake up at night and notes there isn't any pressure or warmth coming from the other side of the bed and it starts ringing alarm bells. I wake up panicked looking for him and wondering if he's just gone downstairs - then I truly wake up and remember.

What possesses someone to use a shotgun on themselves? I've seen this type of thing before when I worked as a medic, it's not a pretty scene...he'd seen it too, he wasn't naive to this, he knew what it would do to him. Sadly my mind keeps going over it, wondering if he suffered or if it was instantaneous, either way the result was the same and the damage was irreversible once that decision to pull that trigger was made. There's no coming back from that.

I want to call his doctor and see if he can possibly get a copy of the coroner's report, not to go into it in any detail just to outline the extent of injury, massive or not, the shell type used and to settle my mind from picturing all of those other bodies I'd seen over the years.

My sister doesn't get my PTSD. She's never experienced this type of thing before especially how irritable I can get when feeling triggered under stress. She only knows how to hug and touch and comfort, she doesn't know how to stand back, allow it to happen and work it's way out - it took me and husband a good 3 years to discover that one. I tried to explain it to her yesterday as kind of like me being autistic - touch when I'm already stimulated is an over-stimulation, my nervous system detests it, it makes me more agitated and anxious but I can't tell her because I'm so stimulated, instead I get angry, I pull away and I revert to flight responses. It doesn't mean I don't want her to ever hug me again, I know when I need hugs - I ask for them - husband and I had our routine, if I was ever feeling unsafe or sad or lonely I said, "I need hugs (or huggies)." The same went for him.

I know it's not easy on the caregiver in a PTSD situation, especially when that caregiver is also a caregiver in their career. We had our days where I was triggered and he just could not handle it, instead I'd go be alone and he'd be alone but when the phases passed we always came together again. I know if he was unhappy with his life, he never told me. I asked him all the time, "You know, if I get to be too much for you, you can always go to a therapist to talk about me, right? You need to keep your head on your shoulders too, this can't be easy on you." He always said he was fine. It seems now that he wasn't.

The man I lived with for the past 20 years had a good head on his shoulders. He was super intelligent, had a mind that retained information to the point I envied his ability to remember things, despite this, he never believed he was very smart because he suffered from a bit of dyslexia...something he never fully admitted too but I could see it in his spelling and they way he remembered acronyms. Sadly, with people at work, you make a single mistake and they won't let you live it down, so he hated to make mistakes around them and he was driven to be better.

I used to have to do a lot of damage control with him emotionally. Things people did and said to him hurt so deeply, because he was such a deep thinking and feeling man. So truly human to the point it hurt. Maybe in reality, this is a sign that something was not right underneath, in his soul; maybe he was always carrying around a deep seated depression at his core.

Even if he was, that was something only he could know. It was not for us to know. I know what it's like to have your soul wounded. He had a rough childhood. He was estranged from his father and held a lot of resentment there. He felt his mother was cold to him when he was a child and he couldn't get used to her wanting to get closer as he got older, you could tell he didn't trust it. I always encouraged him to reach out and try to rebuild (or build a new) bond with his family because I could never understand how blood relatives could treat you like a complete stranger and detach so easily from one another. He needed them because I couldn't fix that part. I loved him but I could never heal that part, that was up to them.

My poor lost and trapped husband. What was going through your mind that day? Why couldn't you just tell me? You always told me when you were hurting. This was nothing shameful between us. You used logic like a weapon. Your ability to reason far exceeded anyone I'd ever met in my life. You wondered at the universe and tried to quantify it, so much those concepts that are unquantifiable you (and I sometimes) really struggled with them.

In what universe did it make sense to take a shotgun, place it against your side and pull the trigger? In what universe did that make any sense at all? That was not the man I lived with for 20 years or had known for 21 years. That was not him. That was against everything he ever believed in - it just boggles my mind. How do you come to terms with that?

 

[The Albatross]

Medic, so very glad you're here and doing such thorough writing. I think you did well with your explanation to your sister about the overstimulation aspects that we have that others seldom understand.

Your husband sounds an awful lot like mine... all the way down to the slight learning disability and deep feelings. I, too try to use extra care and fret if the line of communication closes for too long so as not to become a "problem" for him to manage or be burdened by rather than a friend and partner who loves him "such as I am" unconditionally. I really understand your thoughts and what you share today.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My heart hurts. I do not know if you will find answers to your why and it seems a impossible situation to process and try to heal from. Hugs.