Possible Parts

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Here's my little BLURT moment from another online forum I post in, that might fit best with this thread discussion:

Very difficult week at work for me, this week. :( :(

Very "triggering" for my OWN "parts" (though I am not "DID").. this morning especially, and I caught myself "blowing up" my expectations of disaster as a few (bad) things that SHOULD be "exceptional" threatened to become some of the "new normal" here as the company is transitioning to new ownership.

I "caught" myself in mid flare-up as I texted my man .. so I EDITED myself to say simply .. if this trend continues .. "I'm going to need a MIRACLE." (That was not what I WANTED to say - I WANTED to say something like "I'm going to claw my eyes out of my head!" or "I'm going to have to quit SOON!" etc.)

He responded: "Fortunately for you .. they're more frequent than most other people." (meaning "miracles" ;) ) .. and he reminded me of another of his cardinal rules, couched in a kind of "happy Friday" message encouraging me to think about our future, bigger picture, reassurances of his love for me, etc.

The cardinal rule reminder was advice his Grandpa once gave him .. "If you can't find a way out, go deeper in."

*sigh* Go. Deeper. In.

I took a deep breath, and moments later an opportunity to "go deeper in" with one of the key players (and eventual "in charge" person, here) presented itself, so I posed a couple QUESTIONS of the man (instead of launching into bluster and accusation or "How dare you!" or "This better not be exemplary of the kinds of FOOLISH system processes/overrides you're going to be implementing here!") .. Instead, I offered myself as part of the solution rather than reacting to the MESS I perceive because of decisions this guy is making. Turned into an opportunity to sow MUCH better seed in the situation .. It doesn't really "fix" anything yet, but the conversation definitely positioned me in a much more positive, pro-active light with this person who has the power to make or break my career choices in the near future ....

I texted my man back to let him know I was, basically, taking the bull by the horns. And he gushed praise and encouragement and love back at me.

The thing is, I could FEEL myself almost ready to lose control all over this future boss-man type. (a "hard click" or "switch" of my own, if you will)

Now, I'm GLAD I handled it more wisely, but I am concerned that stress, here, still has the power to rile me up that badly in the first place. I am super thankful my man opted to speak encouragement into the moment, cuz it helped me find my head again, but my emotional response to the stress in the first place is what has my attention.

It's part of that same "I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY!" kind of attitude that has taken me over in the past. *sigh* I HATE feeling that way, I HATE "liking" that level of anger, and I HATE the "threat" that poses to not only my own sanity, but my relationships and decision-making capacity.

This is a "part" of ME that I seriously need to find a better way to address!!

~WU

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Any thoughts on my wondering about BPD, myself? ;)

 

[Sideways]

WU - you made me laugh!

I always liked the quote:
"If I'm angry, it's because I know I'm worth getting angry for".

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

*sheepish* .. I'm glad that made you laugh. Oy vey. :) :(

Ya, I don't think I'm very good at keeping healthy boundaries. Or maybe I don't give myself enough credit. Either way, I much prefer an EVEN KEEL!!

Wish this didn't seem so persistently ELUSIVE!! *growl*

 

[BlueOrange]

It's part of that same "I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY!" kind of attitude that has taken me over in the past.

You do have a right to be angry (and so do I, although that's harder for me to say). What you don't have a right to do is lose your temper, or be an asshole about it. Feelings of anger are going to happen, no matter what you think you should feel.

 

[Klo]

I have "parts" but they are not alters. They are not separate identities, do not cause me any time loss, or anything like that. They are clusters of intense emotion, memories, perceptions and so on, that I sometimes have easy access to, but sometimes not, but I know they exist. And when they are active, I experience them as being parts of myself, not set apart from myself. For example I have a "part" of me that has a deep, seething hatred towards my mother, yet I also have a "part" of me that feels overprotective of my mother to an unhealthy extent. I am aware of these conflicting parts of my mind, and when they activate, it can be distressing to try to grapple with all of that emotional power unleashing at once, I have to exert a lot of will in most cases to not act on them. So I would say it is more like I have repressed parts of me, rather than amnesiac barriers between different identities.

 

[Sandstone]

They are clusters of intense emotion, memories, perceptions and so on, that I sometimes have easy access to, but sometimes not, but I know they exist.

I think that is a brilliant definition

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@Klo .. I VERY relate to (and appreciate) your descriptions, here. I had another responder in a separate forum comment on some of my own "self-counseling" type comments pointing out the same distinction as far as no amnesia between parts. I found myself irrationally lamenting that "everything" seems "loud" in my head all the time. I definitely have "parts" .. and as my man and I have grown in our understanding of his struggles, this has definitely informed my understanding of my own .. they ARE different, but the ways in which they are similar has helped HIM feel more "normalized" .. but then I read something else recently suggesting that it was HARMFUL to people with DID to minimize their experience of "parts" because it denies the ways in which the distinctions are disruptive to the ways in which they function (or fake-it-to-appear-functional) with other "singletons" .. *sigh* .. It WOULD seem there is no perfect way to talk about all this, but I CAN say at least that we can celebrate ways in which we see healing taking place, better "internal communication" (or "awareness") and COOPERATION between "parts" .. etc. Perhaps that is a victory in itself!?

~WU

 

[Klo]

@Klo .. I VERY relate to (and appreciate) your descriptions, here. I had a...

In my opinion, if there are amnesiac barriers while a person seems to be functioning, that is a strong sign of DID/alters, from what I have read. Disassociation is on a spectrum or continuum, so it is possible to have something very similar to DID that would be considered a dissociative disorder. I believe that is the case for me. When I get triggered and have a freeze response, when I disassociate, there is no functioning, there is no alter that takes over. I simply stare into space and seem hollow, like the "lights are on but nobody is home". I might remain frozen in place and even hold my breath when it happens. The way I perceive it is that DID is a blessing and curse wrapped together. Their alters help them function, but when it eventually gets very problematic, trying to integrate is a huge hurdle, whereas someone like me is already halfway there.

 

[Sideways]

@WhisperingUnicorn

I've had more than one person tell me that "everyone has parts" when trying to explain my DID, and it can make you feel 2 inches tall. The implication was "so why can't you deal with it like everyone else". Ouch.

But, when I read your posts, it's clear that your efforts to relate to the experience of having parts is coming from a place of genuine love, empathy, and a desire to support your loved one as best you can. It's actually quite beautiful to read.

There are ways and there are ways of talking about things. I think the suggestion of a blanket ban on non-sufferers from talking about it and trying to understand is unhelpful for everyone involved. If you feel like you have 'parts' in your own way, it's different, but it's still valid.

It's obviously essential to me that my therapist understands my illness and can talk about it with me, but that doesn't mean I'll only talk to therapists who have DID themselves. They have a different perspective, but their perspective is still valid.

Don't stop what you're doing. To me, it's always good reading your posts.

 

[BlueOrange]

I think that everyone does indeed have parts. You have PTSD if one of your parts goes into hiding. You have DID if you there are several parts that all hate each other. If all of the parts are getting along, then you don't actually have a problem.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

It certainly seems like "parts" CAN "get along" even WITHOUT liking each other (per se), which presents its own problems. :)

In our case, my man has been very embarrassed by how his "Littles" behave sometimes. We had a recent experience where this side of him disclosed some things to his mom that he was later very embarrassed to have her know about him, which also makes it tricky for me to know what is ok to say or not say about certain things.

But at the same time, he is relieved that he doesn't have to "keep secrets" anymore .. certainly with me, but even now with his mom .. So it turns out - I can "feel" as though something is completely out in the open and ok to talk about because "he" disclosed it himself, only to realize later that he was inadvertently indiscreet, and then he regrets this .. so the "amnesia" aspect CAN get us in a bit of trouble sometimes! Thankfully he knows this about himself, now, whereas he used to think of this as a "violation of trust," now he realizes it's better to "shrug" off the embarrassing things and accept that those of us who LOVE him love him no matter what....

As for my "parts" .. it's more the emotional extremes that I regret. And it is exhausting to be "self-controlled" when also extremely stressed .. but then again, I think my man has a lot more PATIENCE with my extremes than most people, because he knows his own so well. *sheepish* We're figuring it out, if nothing else ....

Cardinal rule - we regularly strive to have GRACE for one another. ;)

~WU