Relationship Double Difficulty... Doing "the Love Dare" When The Partner Is Both Gone And Has Ptsd...

[Deleted member 17302]

I've always been Christian but perhaps not such a great one. Lately my faith has been tested greatly and God has put some pretty improbable things in my face to show me that it isn't just accidents happening and that I need to fight for what was essentially my marriage.

My fiancee (she) and me (guy) were together for a long time now. She recently bailed after distancing and doing some cheating to escape reality and in her words sabotage things because she felt I was going to leave her anyway because "everyone she loves leaves her".

This isn't the first time something like this happened. Some may have read other threads about this but this is trying to focus on a specific thing... "The Love Dare". It is a book that is based on doing daily "dares" to heal marriages. Apparently some people have even done this after years of being divorced and physically apart.

It was a challenge set forth to me by a Christian elder that took us both in when we had no home or job for about a year. Him and his wife are wonderful very wise Christians and from the track record this program has, it seems worth doing. Not necessarily with the intent of fixing the relationship, but to actually honor the relationship and what that union was for and about. It really has got me thinking about the statement I have always said which was love is hard work at times. Never really did think about what that entailed. A choice and action to do something about the love and relationship beyond my emotions that are human and can change on a dime. That whim changing emotional state is garbage and if that is all I or anyone has to go on, we are all screwed. So I am taking up the challenge. Boy does it look brutally hard in the face of what the partner feels and is doing. Apparently it usually is one sided when people take this set of dares on. So I'm not the first and won't be the last.

What I am really asking here is...

Anyone do this that is in a relationship with someone that has PTSD and the PTSD partner has bailed?

Doing this regularly seems difficult but adding in the PTSD seems to be even harder to challenge. Anyone done this? Would very much like to hear if others have. If nobody here has but is interested in how it turns out, I'd be willing to chronicle this 40 day challenge for the benefit of others.

To see it in action, there is a movie based on a couple that took on this dare. That movie is called Fireproof. I watched it on Google Play for a few bucks rental. Looks pretty hard but worth it even if only for the strengthening of faith.

In the book forward it tells about someone that did it 3 times in a row after being divorced for something like 27 years and it worked out for them. I'd say that is pretty awesome and worth a try if only for a tiny chance of it working out with the main focus benefit of a stronger faith and mental endurance... because it sure is going to be a mental challenge. For me at least. ... Well ok... I guess I should hit the Create Thread button... oof... and Go...

 

[a3a2]

Love the movie! Both my husband and I watched it. Very thought provoking.

While I didn't take "The Love Dare", I did take the messages from the movie to heart, and I would say it did improve our marriage.

Another helpful video we watched was Mark Gungor. Based in Wisconsin, he does marriage seminars as well. While I really liked this one, it was my husband who really took that one to heart and was moved by it. I was definately the beneficiary.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Love the movie! Both my husband and I watched it. Very thought provoking.

While I didn't take "The Love...

Well that is good. I hope to figure this out.

 

[Ammountford]

I've always been Christian but perhaps not such a great one. Lately my faith has been tested greatl...

I'm thinking about trying this on my boyfriend as well. Even though I'm the one that always bends over backwards for him, but he doesn't do the same in return. I don't know how it's going to work on my boyfriend if he's the one that's not putting as much effort as I am. But it's still worth a shot and I'm leaving it in Gods hands. Maybe it'll open his ever just like in your situation. So you and I have to go into our situation with hope and faith. ( easier said then done.) but I think blogging this or weighting it down as you go will help others try it with a different approach to do the dare that need the love the most even though sometime we feel that they should be the ones doing it to help them learn to love the other person. But good luck to you! I think you should give it a shot, because anytime doing Good for God and loving on people who need it the most is no time wasted at all!

 

[Casey_03]

I tried something similar. Vowed to be the strong one and withstand all the turbulence and chaos that my partner at the time was causing for the relationship. It ended terribly, and I have never regretted anything more in my life than my decision to stay by his side and try to weather the storm. In my case, it was incredibly stupid and naive. It almost killed me, literally. It ended in terror and violence. Your situation is obviously different so I can't say how it will work out for you, but as long as you are aware of the risks, then good on you. Though I do have to exert a healthy dose of skepticism about one thing:

That whim changing emotional state is garbage and if that is all I or anyone has to go on, we are all screwed.

People can change and it doesn't necessarily have to be on a whim. It's not mood swings, it's a person's worldview and personality that can change. It's more profound than just a "whim." I don't know if you are referring to your fiance here or not, but if so, this can come off as rather condescending to her.

 

[The Albatross]

Is there counseling or mentorship available in your church?

 

[Deleted member 17302]

I had started this dare without the book unknowingly but still will chronicle those things.

DAY 1

• Dare: The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our hearts. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something You'll regret.

She came to get her things and said some snippy unnecessary and irrelevant mean things and I didn't say anything mean back at all.

DAY 2

• Dare: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

She had said she was leaving so I tried to get her things nicely packed and left a note telling her where her things were and where she could find the books that I was unable to get sorted. I then went to my families to give her space to think and do what she needed to do. She left with a bunch of things as well as a lot of my food from the cabinets. I didn't say anything to her negatively about the stuff she took or the dead battery she left by my garbage. I think the unexpected gesture would be that I gave her the space and some help to do that without putting more pressure on her.

NOTE: This perhaps is a poor gesture of kindness but is the only one I could think to do for someone that was having a hard time and needed space or to leave as they thought they did. If someone has a better idea, I'd love to redo this one.

DAY 3

• Dare: Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with refraining from any negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today."

I sent her flowers for this with a note that declared it was not to beg for her to come back. It said that we had really good times, and some really bad times, but that we all make bad mistakes and the good ones were worth it. Then said it was a last ditch effort to bring a bit of joy and happiness to her one last time.

She responded negatively to this but I resolved to say nothing negative in return.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

DAY 4

• Dare: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

This is for today... This one, I am unsure how to go about since she is at her families or wherever now. I could ask how she is doing but am unsure to ask if there is anything I could do for her as I am pretty sure the answer is something along the lines "of go to hell" and "F@ck off!".

Any suggestions on a good way to do this one from a distance? Don't do it isn't a very good suggestion, so please keep that one to yourself if that is what you would like to say.

 

[Casey_03]

Is this book specifically for people with trauma and PTSD?

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Is this book specifically for people with trauma and PTSD?

It is not. It is meant for people that had marriages or marriage like relationships where one partner has distanced themselves from the relationship because of frustrations in the relationship that have caused them to feel like they aren't good in the relationship anymore. A Christian view on marriage is that you don't just give up when it gets hard. The idea of the book and the movie Fireproof is that you and your partner are joined and that love is work and a decision at times when things get tough. The idea is you choose to do loving things and eventually find your way back to the love you had for your partner regardless if your partner is feeling the same at the time. If people are to just only be happy when their partner is happy, that is much like two ships tied together in the ocean vs at least one ship that is firmly anchored and will help the other in the ever changing and dangerous stormy waters of a relationship. In society many people see that person as the guy but it can be either partner that has come to the realization that they are not willing to just give up when things get tough. There will always be fires in a relationship. Some small, some large. Many people stay for small ones but bail on their partner when they are in a big fire. The idea is to fireproof the relationship so that when fires do come along, things down burn to the ground, but instead weather the fire and temper and strengthen the relationship instead.

Think of a marriage like a property that you both own together. Both of you fight to protect it. If one person is down and out or has something happening or is trying to bail, you still fight to protect it until you are left with no choice but to give up. That is when they more or less sign over the deed to the relationship back to you and just aren't coming back no matter what. You can still fight for them but they may not come back.

Think of cheating as one of those people being tempted by an outsider to open the gate or punch a hole through the fence around the relationship property lines. That is like when a terrible guard dog fails to protect the property and is enticed with a dog treat or a steak. Not a good guard dog at all.

At that point, you still fight for things and see if you can't fix and mend the fence together and protect against outside forces the next time.

A marriage is basically supposed to be where you two are one person and trying to tear it apart is like cutting yourself in half. So it is something to fight for.

Everything very valuable will come under attack and at times will become damaged but can be worked on and protected better and fixed up. Perhaps not perfectly but that isn't the point at all.

I imagine that PTSD adds a massive amount of terror to the scenario, but in the end, I imagine that stability is what is wanted from most people at the very core even if they are scared of it. Even people without PTSD can get just as scared and feeling unstable with things.

Having been through a lifetime of torture situations, I feel I have a good chance of holding up and being the anchored vessel in my scenario.

She was scared and kept saying she felt like nobody would ever stay so that she had to leave first to prevent that pain. She loved me dearly and I was her rock. Her life turned into chaos lately and being sick, I wasn't as good as I wanted to be. That doesn't excuse or give license to do what happened, but things are they are.

We will see how this ends. I'm only one sample out of many that could be. It would be nice to see more people with PTSD relationships try this and record the progress to see how it works in PTSD relationships.

I'd like to make the common thread of my relationship our faith, but I neglected that and now am paying the price. God willing, I will get another chance and will not make that same mistake again. Regardless of what happens, this all has taught me a bit about my faith and how crappy I was with it and where I need to go with it.

Hopefully that helps answer your question. If not, feel free to send me a message or ask in here for more information or clarifications.

 

[Casey_03]

I think this is very admirable, but at the same time some of the suggestions in the book could be problematic for PTSD. Specifically the suggestion to contact your spouse. Maybe there is a way to write her a letter or something but save it for later? Contacting someone with PTSD when they've asked for space is really really bad ... it may seem minor and you may think it'll be seen as a nice gesture (because for most people it would be), but for most people with PTSD, when they are in this isolation phase, any contact feels like a violation. Especially when it's a loved one, cause that puts more pressure and stress on them. Think of it this way -- the isolation phase is a way for the PTSD sufferer to regain control when they feel they've lost it. They cut out all the extra stimuli and everything in their life to get whatever control they can. But when you contact them, it's like losing that control all over again, it's like being violated. And normally that contact will exacerbate their symptoms and force them deeper into the abyss. So, when it comes to contact, I think you should be very careful, maybe adapt some of the suggestions for PTSD.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

I think this is very admirable, but at the same time some of the suggestions in the book could be probl...

I'm not sure about that isolation violation thing that people keep talking about. It seems that most people that run for reasons that they perceive are real but are not are going to consider anything the same way as that "violation" even if it isn't not really one. She can't read my mind.