Relationship Double Difficulty... Doing "the Love Dare" When The Partner Is Both Gone And Has Ptsd...

[Sweetpea76]

@mr_smith_v2 , I think you're confusing the concept of respecting space with giving up. I have been with my sufferer for years, and I understand the confusion and frustration when learning to deal with isolation.

Many PTSD sufferers have had their boundaries viciously violated during past traumas. Personal space and feeling respected and safe are of the utmost importance to them. So much so, things that seem harmless to us as supporters are HUGE violations of trust. Things like contacting them before they are ready, expressing love when they are not ready, trying to be there for them when they are not ready... all of these may come from a loving place in a supporter's heart, but they pour the stress onto a sufferer. They are not emotional or mentally ready to deal with it yet, so if it keeps coming on in waves when its unwanted, things are going to get ugly fast. Boundaries are a HUGE deal if you are going to make a PTSD relationship work.

Respecting space is a loving act. It's putting their wishes before your own.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

She pulled the nuclear card of sending some interesting txts including don't contact or will report as harassment along with saying some other nonsense statements that aren't valid in reality but that is of no consequence or concern of mine. Similar txts as she sent unsolicited the first time she bailed early on with the PTSD but this time including the report statement which allows me to give up. I now am allowed to give up. That is a pleasing event. Too bad that always is not accompanying the bail out. Would save me a great deal of stress and time. At least until she changes her mind at which point I will be annoyed and likely say no way at which point she will beg and plead and bla bla bla like before and hopefully I will still be allowed to give up. If not allowed to give up, I will resume this thread. Until then, yay, I get to let her destroy her life as she wishes without me having to witness it and I get to live without the stress of her nonsense.

 

[Sighs]

"Allowed" by whom? Aren't you a competent adult able to make your own decisions about whether or not you attempt to pursue a relationship with someone who very clearly does not wish to be in a relationship with you at this point in time? And equally able to make your own decision about whether you wish to pursue a relationship with her if she does change her mind? Who is "allowing" or not "allowing" you to make that decision?

 

[Deleted member 17302]

"Allowed" by whom? Aren't you a competent adult able to make your own decisions about whether or not you...

"What" not whom. Reason, not unicorn farts and whim.

 

[Sighs]

the report statement which allows me to give up. I now am allowed to give up.

This ^^^ doesn't sound like reason to me.

I find your whole approach to this relationship a little disturbing. You seem to be completely dismissing her PTSD as a factor.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

This ^^^ doesn't sound like reason to me.

I find your whole approach to this relationship a little dist...

It has been hard to comment calmly and with a consistent perspective due to the stress clouding my reactions. Let me try this a bit calmer this time.

Could you please elaborate on what you mean by both sentences? I could assume, but that assumption would be dictated by my stressed out self that is also quite depressed at the entire scenario and losing my best friend.

Things were quite awesome for us both at the beginning of November as we had a romantic getaway she planned and could see the love in her eyes. Just months later now, wreckage as far as I can see. It has me a bit upset. I try to destroy all remaining hope and love as fast as possible to move on but in doing so, it keeps overtaking my efforts and making me remember all the amazing things about her which then angers me again why it all had to be wrecked as it has been. I just want to be happy but in doing so that means I have to move on without her which is not a happy feeling. It's a bit confusing.

I already have a stress condition that the doctors keep telling me to get less stressed or I will die quick. So this just makes me feel like I'm dying. Been wiped out tired since this event all started weeks ago. I NEED to be better off but in doing so, I am also not better off. Can't understand or process this as well as I wish I could. I can't do anything other than what reality lets me do which is move forward without her.

 

[Sweetpea76]

There comes a point where all you can do is take care of yourself. You cannot fix her. She has to want help.

You can be the best supporter, love her more than anybody in the whole world, and have the most faith... It doesn't matter as long as she is ill.

It sucks the big suck, for sure.

 

[Casey_03]

I find your whole approach to this relationship a little disturbing. You seem to be completely dismissing her PTSD as a factor.

This is my issue with the given approach as well, though it's not just the PTSD the poster is dismissing, but this woman's wishes entirely. Regardless of PTSD, it is astoundingly insulting and even borders on emotionally abusive to persistently ignore someone else's request for space and then just say those wishes are not valid and you are going to ignore them because, hey, why not. I was lambasted for "lacking understanding" when saying this earlier in the thread, but I can assure you, I understand quite well. As a PTSD sufferer, I am very familiar with the need for space and how much damage can be caused when a close one violates that. Yes, all people with PTSD are different, but when someone who is dealing with emotional distress asks for space, they desperately need that space. Plain and simple. To ignore that is cruel.

 

[Friday]

Just because The Cake Bible is arguably the most premier beginning dessert book in print... Doesn't mean it's what you should use to bake a cake for a diabetic.

While we're all different as individuals? This particular book, at least the first 5 days of The Love Dare... could be a HowTo Guide to get me to break up with (&/or file a restraining order against) someone if I wasn't doing well. I can see, intellectually, how this might be a fun kind of game for some couples. For me? Might as well rename it 'High Glycemic Desserts for Diabetics", or "Blind Man's Bluff : Minefield Edition".

Day 1 : Lie to me &/or hide shit from me? Yeah. Bad idea.
Day 2 : Continue to lie &/or hide shit from me, and in addition, surprise me? Seriously bad idea.
Day 3 : Bribe me. :shifty: :banghead: FFS.
Day 4 : ... Huh. While normally this might be business as normal, after 3 days of lies & manipulation, I'd be edgy as hell, even if I'd been doing great beforehand. If I were actually taking some space / had asked for no contact? Beyond furious.
Day 5 : Seriously??? In the realm of bad ideas, not only assuming I'm lying to you / not bringing shit to the table and being honest as things come up, but to add insult to injury...asking me to take a shot at you, ranks pretty f*cking high. There is no way in hell asking me to make a list of things that piss me off about you, especially not after completely disrespecting me for 3 days, is going to go over well. Best case scenario... I turn on heel and walk away.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Just because The Cake Bible is arguably the most premier beginning dessert book in print... D...

The dares are to internalize new good traits and remove old crappy ones so that you can grow as a person and become a better partner. Not just for a few weeks, but for the rest of your life. The goal is to become a better person for yourself and those that have to deal with you, the goal is NOT to get a specific reaction out of the partner. It is however noted that becoming a better person tends to in the long run show the partner your stability in love and that you can be trusted to be loved as a better partner they actually really want to be with.

Counseling for instance is not to trick other people into thinking you are a better person. It is to actually become a better person. Yes, some people will consider the actions as things you will only do to get something out of others, but the purpose is to get more out of yourself and in turn it makes you better in relationships and as an overall person. People tend to get weirded out a bit when someone changes quickly, but when those actions STAY, then they calm down a bit.

I'm not a monster, but I'm also not the best version of myself I could be. Nobody is the best version of themselves, ever. It is a daily practice to become better and better.

 

[Casey_03]

But it's not about you .... I mean, gaining new good traits and becoming "better" isn't going to undo what she's going through and still needs to work through. It's nice that you are putting in so much effort, but it seems like you refuse to believe that it's just something you don't have control over.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

But it's not about you .... I mean, gaining new good traits and becoming "better" isn't going to undo w...

It seems you refuse to believe that I already know that but am doing what I CAN do in life. She has to do her part in getting better with PTSD and as a person. Nowhere have I indicated I believe I have control over her and what she does. Her decisions, her outcomes. My decisions, my outcomes. When they work together they become our outcomes. Please stop putting words in my mouth that I didn't say or imply. It is rude and insulting. That is not useful.