Relationship Double Difficulty... Doing "the Love Dare" When The Partner Is Both Gone And Has Ptsd...

[Casey_03]

Putting words in your mouth? Where did I do that? I said "it seems," meaning that is my personal opinion. You don't need to snap at me for expressing an opinion that you don't like. You posted on here for feedback, that is what I am giving you -- doesn't mean you have to agree with it. You post on a PTSD forum to ostensibly get insight from people who have experience with PTSD - at least, that is what your original thread in this forum said. I have consistently tried to provide you with useful insight, and you have only gotten increasingly combative any time the feedback did not conform to the way you want your situation to go. Nowhere did I put words in your mouth or insult you. It seems to me that what is not useful here is you posting threads only to lash out at people who take the time to read them and respond with their own opinions.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@mr_smith_v2 i think there is some confusion between ideas of control.

You are not physically trying to control her or make her do anything. You are not controlling her in that way.

She has asked for no contact, but you feel as if she is not in her right mind, and you continue to contact her because you think it is beneficial for her to know you are there for her. That is controlling because A). You are not respecting her request for space, and B). You are assuming you know what she needs more than she does. It's more of a situational control and a violation of boundaries than being physically controlling.

You find logic comforting... I can relate. I think honestly, if you focused your logic on learning the mechanics of how PTSD works, it would be very beneficial for you.

When you understand PTSD more, you understand the symptoms more. What seems like "craziness" and "whim" makes more sense. Researching PTSD is comforting for me. If I didn't have the basic understanding of it that I have, my relationship would have been toast.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Putting words in your mouth? Where did I do that? I said "it seems," meaning that is my personal opinio...

I said "it seems", as well. If that is not what you were doing, then we don't have an issues. :)

 

[Deleted member 17302]

@mr_smith_v2 i think there is some confusion between ideas of control.

You are no...

I appreciate your feedback.

 

[Tinyflame]

@mr_smith_v2 @Sweetpea76 & @Casey_03 & the others are trying to help you & your relationship.

Could you rather, say to your ex, eg. ":I want to do this for myself/ become a better person, I realize you've requested space & I want to respect that & you, but would you be willing to allow me to contact you (etc) if the step requires that?"

(Just a thoought).

 

[Deleted member 17302]

@mr_smith_v2 @Sweetpea76 & @Casey_03 & the other...

She's made her decision to disallow me contacting her. I don't know the future but the things that I did so far from the dares and the large amount of things and people put in my way recently are to be more patient, forgiving, and pray more. I do appreciate the idea, but I cannot contact her at this point. I imagine if she tries to contact me I'd most likely wait a day or so to reply just to make sure I have my head on straight and that it wasn't a message out of whim. Can't react to every change of the wind.

I haven't responded negatively to anything she has said and everything that has been said and done were positive and kind. If she comes around either due to coming out of her mindset that is either her normal self or her PTSD personality at some point, then I'll just have to see what happens. I have a lot of regular life things I have to attend to as well as things I want to improve about myself in the mean time. Was pretty good for her before but there is always more work to do.

She did something like this before so there is a large chance she will come back but also a large chance she will not. Something around a 50/50 chance. Might be more likely than unlikely that she comes back, but for now, I'll assume 50/50 as that is more conservative and easier to deal with. At least she knows how I feel about her. Her being around without her working on herself would only prove to destroy us further, so this isn't a completely bad scenario. Just would have liked it if she could see her episodes coming so that we could talk about things VS just having a complete blow out. If she comes back, I think that can be worked on, but for now, I just have to do what I can.

Plan to read through the rest of the love dare book, read codependent no more, read the post-traumatic stress disorder relationship book again but all the way through this time, read getting past your past book that is about self help techniques from EMDR therapy for PTSD stuff, and read a crazy amount of the Bible that relates to hardships and other related topics that seem to be popping up and are advised to read. That and try to pray more vigilantly. I can't imagine how hard it is for her dealing with PTSD. Especially since she stopped taking the meds and didn't get more than 3 sessions into therapy before the therapist bailed for a new job suddenly which destroyed more of her trusting ability.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Don't forget to be kind to yourself. Get plenty of sleep and exercise. Don't forget to eat because you are stressed. Find something that you enjoy and indulge yourself.

Supporters tend to overlook self-care a lt of times.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Don't forget to be kind to yourself. Get plenty of sleep and exercise. Don't forget to eat because yo...

Went to see a movie, driving around, have to sort out all her stuff that she left behind for some reason (like important one time in life stuff), read those books, pickup the house and hang up some paintings and in general get the house together, unload all the stuff from the vehicle from the storage shed into the house, exercize and put on some weight (was super sick and lost about 5 inches out of waist in a few months but now am better for the most part), work on websites, etc. Have a lot of stuff to keep me busy. House of Cards season 4 comes on in a couple days so that will be cool. Gonna see the kids this weekend I think (if babies mom hasn't changed her mind).

I appreciate the note. Hard to focus even when busy because of how much I love her and not knowing if that will ever come back. Focus is the hard part. How do you focus on stuff when your loved one is gone and might not come back? That is the thing I can't figure out how to do. I have the stuff to do, but the focus is in short supply. Also energy. Stress makes me feel very sluggish and tired.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Time... It gets easier with time and experience. It definitely sucks.

 

[EveHarrington]

If she comes back; when she comes back, please remember to take her at her word. You're assuming you know her better. Well, you knew her better. You don't know this PTSD side of her as well. Yes, she's still in there somewhere but PTSD clouds it all, PTSD makes it all more difficult. If she says she needs something, please let her have what she is asking for.

Also, you're mixing needs and wants. You want her, she NEEDS space (the same as we all need oxygen to live). Needs will always trump wants. She may even want the same things as you, but again, needs trump wants. When space is not given, the reactions start happening. We (I, her, sufferers in general) start to have those feelings of needing space, and when others ignore our requests, we will do whatever we can within our power to get this space. She had no choice but to threaten the restraining order as her requests to you were ignored. Now she is forcing space.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

If she comes back; when she comes back, please remember to take her at her word. You're assuming y...

This is picky perhaps but she did not say restraining order, only that she would report harassment. That seems to work for all females I have known, but the police always laugh at me and tell me just ignore it when I have tried to report a woman harassing me. So that is interesting.

She had said "move on ;)" before I sent my very last message. Then her following messages included things like "I have moved on" and "if you try to contact me again I'll report you for harassment".

I find that a bit odd considering I had only sent a total of 3 messages over 3 weeks and before that she had texted me more than 4 times saying she loved me and that she was sorry and don't move out please.

I cannot rationalize/analyse anything further as the information and actions are not at all consistent enough to have any sort of semi stable understanding extracted from them other than, if you bug me, I'll report you. If she has moved on, that would be a large feat considering the events that were directly after her leaving that were events that are connected to the main trauma event that follows shortly after with only 1 month between those things and the trauma event. However I'm not her and apparently women move on differently than men tend to due to size and types of support systems and availability of partners.

I'm just assuming at this point she is gone gone. I could sit and analyze further and hold out hope but all that does is torment me. If she really wanted us to work out adn this is a PTSD event, she should have taken better care of herself and not put our relationship on the line. I cannot control her actions or her want to be helped / heal. That is her problem. My problem is not ending up insane and homeless. That is my job and something within my semi level of control.

She already knew that not taking the medication and not getting help was a bad idea but shyed away from it. That is her fault and I will hold that against her because her decisions caused this outcome. She cannot expect me to wait around and let her crap all over my life.

If by some grace of God, which He seems to be quite bent on doing, she comes back before I have fully destroyed all my love for her and somehow convinces me she can earn my trust back and work on herself, then there is a tiny tiny tiny iota of a chance. However I'm not going to hold my breath over such a miniscule probability of success.

I've been through a lot with her and she should know by now the limits I have and what she is responsible for doing in her own life. This is all her and God now. If they can pull it off, great. If not, well too bad for her and I hope she doesn't die a crazy way that I can only imagine she would put herself in the position of dying like. She has done that stuff more than I can count and I'm not God and do not have the patience He has for this.

If she was willing to actually work on things, then I would be her rock. She isn't trying, so I am not going to try to catch that kite in the hurricane.

My nerves are shot. My emotions are burned out. I'm quite numb and the stress is wearing on my body and mind. Not trying to be mean or anything but... good riddance. I won't find another like her... not a chance in hell... but whatever. I see neither the path with or without her ending well or going very far but the path without her is legal and not going to have that level unstable thrown at me every week so it is the path I will travel down unless she and God decides to fix stuff.

All my experiences (God driven providence in last few weeks) and prayer says to be patient and forgive and that she will come back. I'm not saying I want to fight God on this and won't, but I sure can't keep putting my mind and body through this torment while I am trying to find a job and stay sane. So I will just do as anyone does when they think their partner is dead. They aren't happy but move forward because they can't control any of it other than their own situation.

It's easier to assume she never loved me and all the good memories are a lie and stumble forward through time and hopefully forget she ever existed. Time waits for nothing and will just pass on by even if you are not moving with it.

 

[Jenni]

I've always been Christian but perhaps not such a great one. Lately my faith has been tested greatl...

There is trauma recovery for ptsd and complex ptsd. Complex takes a little longer. Also, it won't work unless they want to heal.