Intimacy Issues.

[kazile]

Okay so...Here goes.

I have had a string of horrible relationships. I'm a bad picker. :) The last one was so terrible that I ended up fleeing the state for over a year with our daughter in tow, because I genuinely was (am) afraid of the guy.

That being said, I've been dating someone for a little over six months now- He's wonderful. Beyond wonderful. I don't think anyone, family, ex-boyfriend, friend, etc. , has ever been this patient with me. Excepting my late grandmother. But that's different?

Anyway. I've never really been able to orgasm during sex. I'm not sure what the issue is- emotional, mental? Previous to dating this guy, I've had one orgasm with one partner, and I was in love with the guy. And I emotional cried after that first one. I've had maybe seven orgasms with my current partner over the course of the time we've dated. He came over Friday to stay the night before he got his week of custody with his son, and we had a lot of foreplay, and then stopped and talked about why I wasn't able to 'get there'. He suggested that I need to relax and just 'let it happen' and I explained to him that I was as relaxed as I could possibly be. Fast forward twenty minutes, and it happened. And it felt amazing. And I was -so- happy.

But, as these things often happen, -that- couldn't last. No sooner had we laid next to each other for post-cuddling, then I started to feel that weird chest-tightening, throat-clenching, world-might-end-in-the-next-two-seconds feeling that comes with an anxiety attack. Before I could stop it, tears were spilling from my eyes and I was really trying my best not to completely lose my cool and just have a breakdown. It might be worth mentioning that the last time we slept together, I tried to get there afterwards on my own and gave up after an hour and a half with no progress. And then I had a similar anxiety attack, but with less tears, because I felt broken.

Also it is worth noting, the previous partner that I've had this experience with? It ended horribly and I was devastated for a couple of years. It's still a touchy subject.

Anyway, he did what he could but isn't the type to push the issue when I say that I'm okay..so the rest of the night was awkward. I feel horrible because I feel as though I made -him- feel like he did something wrong. I want to talk to him about it, but I'm afraid to, because that will dredge up all sorts of skeletons in my closet that I'm not ready to bring up to him yet.

Please someone tell me how to handle this. I really feel so lost and alone.

 

[claire east]

Okay so...Here goes.

I have had a string of horrible relationships. I'm a bad picker. :) The last one wa...

I've never been able to orgasm due to the abuse when I did have a feeling once I cried for days as I was ashamed I felt that way I think it's perfectly normal what you describe if ya had a trauma I've been with my partner 18 years and married for 7 it's hard even now I'm here if ya need to chat

 

[LuckyDuck]

You're not alone. I had that for years. I'm at that point again now because of meds (damn those life savers keeping me from THAT!!) I'm the type who gets pleasure when giving pleasure so it evens out, but I do better solo. That might also be a factor.

The connection at the time between me and my partner was accomplished with honesty. Making clear the act is very much enjoyed and sought after, and even if my partner was the only one to orgasm, it was still a very wonderful experience.

It allowed for exploring. Orgasming was very elusive but not impossible. It's almost soul-searching in a way. The brain is a sex organ. People have different ways to reach it, and it is a journey.

I hope your journey with him is fruitful. The biggest hurtle for me was talking about it. But when I did he understood, became more relaxed in knowing that it was not him, and felt comfortable knowing we were both good with what we had to work with.

Best to you,

LD

 

[ladee]

@kazile, possibly you could keep it simple in your sharing. Since you have only been seeing him for 6 months. You can simply say 'I have some things from my past and am working on getting better' and assure him it had nothing to do with him..And if he asks questions, you can also say that while you appreciated it, maybe later. " Of course you would use your own words, but along those lines.
No need to tell him everything..Does he know you have PTSD?
I wish you well , you will handle it very well, can even practice or write it down what you want to say to him so you feel more comfortable.

 

[RavenGirl]

You are definitely not alone. I wasn't able to have an orgasm with anyone until my husband. I know with me it was because I wasn't able to relax enough and trust them enough to be that free. When I orgasm I am giving the other person a lot of power over me, I'm allowing them to see me very vulnerable. That's super scarey for me. (Not so much any more but at first) It's a HUGE emotional release so I understand why it can make you want to cry. I was abused by my brothers, so sex wasn't enjoyable, it was a dirty thing and I needed to retrain my brain. Thank god my husband was so patient with me. Be honest with your partner, I think you'll find he will be understanding too. Good luck.;):hug:

 

[kazile]

@ladee I was just diagnosed a couple of weeks ago, and we did briefly discuss it because I was worried about the medicine they'll be trying to put me on, or the treatment options. I also have severe anxiety and severe clinical depression, the last of which I've been 'officially' diagnosed with for 13 years. We share things pretty openly- I'm mostly just nervous because I know that it's a lot. I already feel like a burden, and I don't want to come across...worse? As I said, he's been very patient.

Even though he knows about my diagnosis, he knows very ltitle of the traumas leading up to it, except a few of the things my last ex did (like, essentially locking me away for four months just before/just after the birth of our daughter). I haven't discussed the childhood issues with him, other than telling him not to grab my wrists without warning because it will be the start of a two-hour meltdown, on a good day. I figured I would save the worst things for after we've decided to commit to each other in a more permanent way.

 

[kazile]

You are definitely not alone. I wasn't able to have an orgasm with anyone until my husband. I know w...

I was molested by my older brother for three years, and then there were a few years of really heavy things that weren't necessarily sexual. After I got out on my own, I went through a short sex addiction (which I talked to my partner about already), as a coping mechanism for everything else that was going on. I really feel like it's a vulnerability issue. And I want so badly to be that vulnerable with him, but it's probably the scariest and simultaneously most exciting prospect of the relationship. Ugh!

We talked a little after it happened and he told me we have a lot of time to make up for, whatever that means, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it means that he's planning to be around in a semi-permanent way.