I woke up this morning with this in my head. A realization I guess you could call it. I wrote it in my diary but then wondered as I was writing it, if it could help others.....
It was a post of @Saelben 's (I think) about murdering a part. It was an interesting question. I realized this morning that I am going through a process of attempted murder myself right now. Of my mother part. I wonder if anyone has any thoughts on this. Whether anyone else can relate.
The masters at this game know how to shut people down without words. And the targets of this game keep trying to use words in order to have the masters SEE what harm they are doing.
Masters don't give a shit. Ever. That is the fatal flaw in the target's continued attempt at defending themselves. When there comes the point that the target realizes (for some this is sooner than others) that they are not being heard, their only other defense is to not care. Completely shut down their emotions and live as if it doesn't matter. But it does.
I can feel it in myself. I am deliberately 'not caring' about what happens to my children or grandchildren anymore. Caring is going to be too painful. I almost went mad because I cared so much. And I suppose that when one doesn't care, one figuratively murders a part of oneself. I am watching myself murder my mother self. She is DEAD to me. Because, because she cares, she almost went insane, almost had me killed all of those nights in the car, lost my job, lost my social standing, scorned, judged, lost my passion for tennis.... she was a f*cking idiot because she cared. Cared to what end? What does it matter now? I am free of her. She can go sit in a corner in the deepest, darkest corner of her mind because she is doing me NO good.
And in the meanwhile, I need to protect myself from her and her f*cking idiot ways. Caring about children? f*ck, what a moron. Children don't care whether you care about them or not. They care about THEM and what is in it for them! That is all. And that becomes my distorted truth..... which leads me down a very different path in life than the one I envisioned. And I know that this is a distortion, but it has also been my truth. There is a good reason for this distortion. And it is a self protective stance I am taking right now. 'Don't give a crap about children because they will kill you in the end and kick your dead body to one side.'
Who can blame my youngest for being happy as golden child? For wanting the scapegoat part of him dead and buried? Who can blame me for wanting to kill the mother part of me. To live life peacefully again. Wouldn't I be an idiot to continue pining over this as I had been (in this very diary)? So there you have it. A part in the making. I took years to nurture her, to teach her, to hone my skills as a mother, and I think I did a pretty good job of being a mother. But now she serves me nothing so she needs to go away. She was TOO good at caring. She doesn't know how to not care, so she needs to be banished. Forever. Get the f*ck out. You are going to get me killed.
Damned if I do and damned if I don't. I cared and it worked out terribly horribly badly for me. Perhaps it is black and white thinking but the only way I know how to not care anymore is to banish her and the values she held dear --- forever. And if I care about children again, I will be inviting her out to play. And.that.can't.happen. Because she almost got me killed over and over again. Stop f*cking caring! You are no use to me anymore--- you hear? LEAVE! NOW! HIDE! Because I no longer value you.
And that is one way one loses a part of one's soul.
It was a post of @Saelben 's (I think) about murdering a part. It was an interesting question. I realized this morning that I am going through a process of attempted murder myself right now. Of my mother part. I wonder if anyone has any thoughts on this. Whether anyone else can relate.
The masters at this game know how to shut people down without words. And the targets of this game keep trying to use words in order to have the masters SEE what harm they are doing.
Masters don't give a shit. Ever. That is the fatal flaw in the target's continued attempt at defending themselves. When there comes the point that the target realizes (for some this is sooner than others) that they are not being heard, their only other defense is to not care. Completely shut down their emotions and live as if it doesn't matter. But it does.
I can feel it in myself. I am deliberately 'not caring' about what happens to my children or grandchildren anymore. Caring is going to be too painful. I almost went mad because I cared so much. And I suppose that when one doesn't care, one figuratively murders a part of oneself. I am watching myself murder my mother self. She is DEAD to me. Because, because she cares, she almost went insane, almost had me killed all of those nights in the car, lost my job, lost my social standing, scorned, judged, lost my passion for tennis.... she was a f*cking idiot because she cared. Cared to what end? What does it matter now? I am free of her. She can go sit in a corner in the deepest, darkest corner of her mind because she is doing me NO good.
And in the meanwhile, I need to protect myself from her and her f*cking idiot ways. Caring about children? f*ck, what a moron. Children don't care whether you care about them or not. They care about THEM and what is in it for them! That is all. And that becomes my distorted truth..... which leads me down a very different path in life than the one I envisioned. And I know that this is a distortion, but it has also been my truth. There is a good reason for this distortion. And it is a self protective stance I am taking right now. 'Don't give a crap about children because they will kill you in the end and kick your dead body to one side.'
Who can blame my youngest for being happy as golden child? For wanting the scapegoat part of him dead and buried? Who can blame me for wanting to kill the mother part of me. To live life peacefully again. Wouldn't I be an idiot to continue pining over this as I had been (in this very diary)? So there you have it. A part in the making. I took years to nurture her, to teach her, to hone my skills as a mother, and I think I did a pretty good job of being a mother. But now she serves me nothing so she needs to go away. She was TOO good at caring. She doesn't know how to not care, so she needs to be banished. Forever. Get the f*ck out. You are going to get me killed.
Damned if I do and damned if I don't. I cared and it worked out terribly horribly badly for me. Perhaps it is black and white thinking but the only way I know how to not care anymore is to banish her and the values she held dear --- forever. And if I care about children again, I will be inviting her out to play. And.that.can't.happen. Because she almost got me killed over and over again. Stop f*cking caring! You are no use to me anymore--- you hear? LEAVE! NOW! HIDE! Because I no longer value you.
And that is one way one loses a part of one's soul.
