Advice From Mothers

[Sandstone]

I had my babies at home, so no-one took them away. I'd have physically fought anyone who tried; there is an immensely strong urge to care for and protect this beautiful little being. You fall in love in a way nothing can prepare you for.

Although I had no experience of newborns, as soon as I saw my new baby, I was certain that I could do all she needed, and of course I could, sleep or not. That is partly because babies are amazingly tough. All they need is food and love, and we know from all you have written that you are going to be providing both fully. (Some like to have a clean nappy too, but one of mine seemed to resent that.) Apart from those things, it is you who matters, and I seriously advise you to be as "selfish" as you possibly can. Focus on your needs, and you will be best able to supply your babies needs.

Is there any sort of state nurse who provides baby check--ups and weighing? In the UK we have Health Visitors after the first 10 days. It is really handy to have someone who can tell you all those little things you worry about are normal. Things like spots, which lots of babies develop, or all the different ways babies find to throw up.

 

[Friday]

Sharing horrible birthing stories with pregnant women is known as being a "bluebird of happiness" <sarcasm font> and in parenting circles will get you stoned to death :p

That said...

Nope.

While there are probably some areas in the US that have labor & delivery rooms circa 1970 along with nurseries where babies are taken away to... The long time trend is "birthing suites". A single room where the mother labors, delivers, and then baby is kept with the mother at all times. Even the NICUs in more advanced hospitals have bunks alongside the incubators for the parent to sleep/stay with their infants 24/7.

Even if you've had a csection? It's rare to stay overnight in a hospital after giving birth. Much less the 3 days in a hospital thing that was normal in the 1970s. It's $10,000 a day in hospital (20k for the birth itself), and insurance won't pay for it. So electing to stay is rare. Far cheaper to rent a room at a hotel & be pampered, than to stay in hospital.

One thing that tends to surprise most new parents is how much newborns sleep. Lol. First 3 days it's normal for 20+ hours.

After that, the first 3 mo tends to be about 15-20 hours.

The no-sleep thing with new parents? That's no uninterrupted sleep. Babies have tiny tummies. So they tend to wake up every 1-2 hours & need to be fed/burped and changed. This is one huge advantage of already having PTSD. We're pretty used to bizarre and f*cked up sleep schedules.

To know... The USMC? No maternity leave, either. You work until you go into labor, give birth, and are back at work the following day.

 

[Riot]

Sharing horrible birthing stories with pregnant women is known as being a "bluebird of happiness" <s...

I stayed overnight, but I had a... nope, we won't bluebird. Anyway, it was hellishly expensive, I want to say like 30k and upwards, although, I was blessed with near-total coverage.

 

[Powder]

I don't know because I had to be 'induced' with pitocin for both births, on in the 90s and one 6 years ago.

Because they induce, they keep the baby and mom longer afterward.

I also got 'cot fever' with both and had to go back into hospital.

You never know what you're going to get, so I say, you NEED a friend to help cover you, just in case, as a Plan B. Someone should fly there and live with you if possible, ideally. If not, could someone be on call to come and stay? Could you hire a local girl to clean and cook?

You sleep when the baby sleeps. For most newborns, all they do is sleep, eat, and poop, in that priority and order, for a few weeks. You can sleep a lot if you keep them nearby and just nap often.

Some babies are light sleepers and don't let you get any rest. Some cry alot, especially if not right next to you in bed. So it depends on the baby you have and their personality and style.

Breast fed babies have better outcomes in all areas, health, mental, emotional, long-term, but they require more feedings per day.

So whatever you need to do, you do. I'd say it could really be fine, and no problem, if you relax and don't try to do too much.

I didn't have help with either of my babies, so I know you can do it. It is not that hard or sophisticated. Babies really just need your undivided attention 24-7.
It's only if you get ill or the baby is ill that you will need another person, or if the baby doesn't let you rest.

Some babies do well with a sling, a baby swing, or a little bouncy chair, whatever works so you have hands free to do what you need.

 

[Recovery4Me]

" But I realize now that they are able to say this because they had a lot of help - partners, parents, relatives, etc, and these people took the load off by helping

That is an unfortunate over-generalization. Although help is grand, no doubt...when push comes to shove, Mother Nature can provide. I come from a line of people that gave birth and then continued with the baby back to the fields as crops do not care about such matters. My Dad was placed swathed in blankets in a dresser drawer as my Native American Grandmother gathered corn for meal. I personally went to the hospital with gifted ride and then home alone with my daughter after less than one day as I did not have insurance. My son, pretty much I was alone. Just because one has family does not guarantee help. Hence Mother Nature is awesome.

An important consideration...breast feed the child (if you can to give) the natural antibodies that appear yellowish in the beginning. It will assist the child in a great head start for health. Set-up the home with everything already prepared in advance as much as possible. Cook, dry and freeze food (if you can as the extra energy normally appears in Mothers-to-be prior to the birth as Mother Nature does assist). Have everything on one floor in order to avoid climbing steps. Only focus on you and the child for the first few days as you will bond and the child does often sleep a lot (as Mother Nature intended) to allow time for recovery of your health. Keep the child nearby in arm's reach if possible the first few hours/days to calm both of you and save energy.

Remember if you chose...humans evolved without nursemaids, hospitals, for a very, very long time. I am sure you have a few friends that may volunteer to bring supplies in the beginning. Trust the process and yourself. You are going to be a great Mom. (((hugs)))

 

[ghotiff]

Every child is different, every birth is different.

 

[Casey_03]

Just because one has family does not guarantee help.

This is a good point and I agree in some ways, but I'd have to make a distinction between those who have family members providing financial help/housing and those without any of that. I guess I was generalizing a bit in my statement (you are right), but I think the bigger concern for me is not even "help" with the baby (as in someone to help feed and look after him or help around the house), but help in terms of a safety blanket -- someone or something to fall back on if something goes wrong. The friends I was referring to have a partner contributing his income, parents watching the baby when the mother wants to go out, and a home where they are always welcome. Not to sound self-pitying, but I have none of those things, so there is a terrifying realization that if there is a medical emergency - I have no partner or family to help me pay for it; if I am no longer able to pay rent - I have nowhere to go and no roof over the baby's head. If I lose my job (which seems quite likely now), I have no way to pay for food for the baby or myself, and I am not entitled to social benefits in the country where I reside. So it's just overwhelming to think that if anything should go wrong, I and I alone will be to blame; there is no one to share the burden with. I am sure there are plenty of women across the globe who deal with this, I am certainly not alone, but that doesn't really mitigate my concerns. Before I had hit the three month mark, a lot of people told me to get an abortion, because my circumstances are so dire that they said I should not bring a baby into this world. So, I guess those remarks are finally catching up to me.

You never know what you're going to get, so I say, you NEED a friend to help cover you, just in case, as a Plan B. Someone should fly there and live with you if possible, ideally. If not, could someone be on call to come and stay? Could you hire a local girl to clean and cook?

I am glad you wrote this, cause I don't have anyone to help so will have to hire someone. A Plan B is definitely crucial here, I shouldn't be stupid and try to be completely independent (which is a mistake I often make ...)
Anyways, thank you all a ton for responding. It's so important for me to get as much feedback as I can, and as you can probably imagine, there are about a million different scenarios swimming around in my head about how this will all be .... though I am sure they are all mostly wrong and I will only find out what the reality is when it happens!

 

[Recovery4Me]

*Grinning broadly* You are already sounding like a mother to me! :hug::hug:

Before I had hit the three month mark, a lot of people told me to get an abortion, b

Me too, thirty some years ago. :( However, today he is planning for a family of his own with his wife. :laugh:

And do you know what was one of my most favorite joys in the world? Answer-rocking my children to sleep while softly singing a lullaby. Ohhh, how I envy you that. So, hold on tightly for the years flow quickly and one day, you may find yourself reassuring a new mother-to-be.

Peace, love and blessings to the soon-to-be two of you.:tup:

 

[Casey_03]

@Recovery4Me Thank you ))) It means a lot

 

[Powder]

You know how if you plan for all contingencies, and it all goes swimmingly, and if you don't plan cause you think you don't need it, and it all goes into stressful scenarious....well it's best to plan and then hope for the best. :)

I have no doubt this will be such a bright memory to your life, and you will gain so much from the rewards and challenges of motherhood. You will get to know yourself in a deeper way, and be proud of what you can do.

Best of the best to you both, baby and Momma. Mother and baby = family. I'm so proud of your spirit.

 

[scout86]

if I am no longer able to pay rent - I have nowhere to go and no roof over the baby's head. If I lose my job (which seems quite likely now), I have no way to pay for food for the baby or myself, and I am not entitled to social benefits in the country where I reside.

That right there is the thing that's been worrying me about your situation all along. In a lot of other places, there's SOME kind of safety net. Worst case scenario, you give the kid up for adoption and trust that the system may not be perfect, but it's probably not evil. Where you're at right now? Correct me if I'm wrong, but there just ISN'T anything, is there? I'm sure the worst case scenario is scary to think about, but what if you DO lose your job? I don't see this as being about blame at all, I see it, potentially, as being about survival, for both you and the baby. I'm sure you've been thinking about this some, any kind of a plan?

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Casey_03 please consider contacting UNICEF rather than an institution...

There is an mother and child center in Fastiv and similar projects are implemented by the non-governmental organization - Hope and Homes for Children, with support from UNICEF.

KIEV
Country Office
Mail address:

UNICEF
c/o United Nations Integrated Office
1, Klovskiy Uzviz Street
01021 Kiev, Ukraine

Visitors' address
UNICEF
5, Klovskiy Uzviz Street
01021 Kiev, Ukraine

Telephone
Country code
380
City code
44

230.25.14
254.24.36 254.24.39 254.24.50 521.01.25

Facsimile
230.25.06

Email
[email protected]