Was This Reasonable? Need A Detached Viewpoint.

[Sandstone]

I keep remembering something that happened when I was 13 or 14. I can't work out whether my mother behaved reasonably or not in response. It's possible that I just need to accept it and forget it, and that I'm just looking for an excuse to resent her. However, it seems to typify the reasons that prevent me asking for help when in crisis.

I was a well behaved, diligent sort of child. Yet, in my early teens I ran away from home, and was away for two nights. We lived in Greater London, so of course I headed for central London. When the police took me back, my mother said "You have caused a great deal of inconvenience to a great many people, but we will say no more about it". From that day on it was as if it had never happened.

I know that was the 1970s, and things were different, but I also know that if either of my daughters had done that, I would have wanted to hug her and cherish her, and ask if she had been safe, check if she needed any medical help, and above all to understand what was so bad that she had been driven to take that step.

I've deliberately not explained the surrounding circumstances, since they weren't apparent to my mother, and I want to know if her behaviour was reasonable from her viewpoint.

 

[Bloomy]

Not reasonable from your mom. Mine did the same. I recent her to this day for many reason. Id do the same as you - hug her and love her and have a good talk about what is really going on. Reassure Ill always be there and care.

 

[Jenbrookify]

I grew up in a very non-confrontational environment, both of my parents avoided problems and still do and it's caused me a lot of grief. Even they would address me running away for two days. It's definitely unhealthy for you to have had to get to that point and then not have any resolution, and it's evident that it had a negative impact because you are still hung up about it. In terms of your Mom's perspective, though, I imagine she was incredibly worried and stressed out and had no idea how to express that at the time, and that is why she reacted the way she did. It's not healthy to bottle things up, but maybe she didn't know how to deal with the fact that her child ran away from her and so it was easier to ignore it. It was unreasonable for both of you.

 

[ladee]

When a child runs away from home, that is a huge red flag !! Yes, I would do as you would if one of my kids was brought back to me...I would be so relieved. Would hug them for sure.... but would also want to know what made them leave in the first place , if I didn't already know. Was your mom always that cold and detached @Sandstone? So yes, she could have let you know in some way that she was there to support you and find out what was going on, instead of acting as if it never happened... I am sad that you were met with such coldness going back home. Wasn't very indicative of making you want to stay and not try again.

 

[Sideways]

I'm gonna get shot down in flames for this: my mum probly would've done something similar. But knowing my mum, it would have been because she was so frightened for me, and overwhelmed to have me back, & silently beating herself up for failing as a mum etc...please don't hate me!!

Having said that, that's a reason, and not an excuse. Yes, you needed a hug, or something to acknowledge that it was good to have you back, you were missed, and she cared enough to have been worried for you. That's what a child needs from their parents. It's basic stuff, and brain/personality altering when it doesn't happen. And in my mum's defence,she would've followed through with that love and validation when her panic subsided. If she didn't, then yeah, ignore where this post started from - I'd have a lot of trouble shaking that off too.

Frightening for a mum, realising their child is no longer something they can keep protected, &you could've been anywhere & are you even still alive and, and, and. mum's are human and deal with fear in dysfunctional ways sometimes like the rest of us...

Something tells me that's not what was going on here..? Did she even report you missing or contact friends/rellies to try and find you?

 

[Nevermore]

I can actually relate to this. I grew up in the 70s too - they were such a different time, and I really think there are so many walking wounded from those days. It was crazy and everything felt out of control. My parents were similar to yours. I think everything was changing so fast and nobody seemed to know what was right and what was wrong, and my parents too just took the attitude of not talking about it and showing their disapproval that way.
I have actually talked to my mother about things that were happening back then and she too seems mystified at how she seemed somehow so uninvolved and took no steps to try to talk to me about anything. But I really understood that it wasn't about not caring - my parents were pretty young too, and I think they got caught up in this brave new world (?)
I'm glad I talked to her and I don't feel resentment because I really understood that those days were confusing for all of us - parents included. They were very strange days - completely different world from today somehow...

 

[Sandstone]

mum's are human and deal with fear in dysfunctional ways sometimes like the rest of us...

because she was so frightened for me, and overwhelmed to have me back, & silently beating herself up for failing as a mum etc.

It was unreasonable for both of you

Yes, i hadn't seen it her from her side like that. I suppose that is a continuation of the innate selfishness of a child. thinking that the world revolves around me. As you say, I behaved unreasonably too. If only there had been something like Childline in those days, maybe I would have sought help instead of behaving badly.

Was your mom always that cold and detached @Sandstone?

Did she even report you missing or contact friends/rellies to try and find you?

I know she or my father reported it to the police, because they were aware of me. I have no idea if she did anything else, because what I have described is the sum total of the interaction over it.

I think she was always that detached, the whole family was, but it was at her behest. It was just how we were.

 

[Sideways]

When she said "You've caused a great deal of inconvenience to...", do you feel like she was saying "You've caused a great deal of inconvenience (& embarrassment) to me", or was she saying "You scared the f**k out of me?"

How you interpretted that statement (how you felt when she said that) at the time, in combination with not being allowed to/asked to talk about it afterwards - they're the nub of it I'm thinking...

 

[Bloomy]

This might be your truth Sandstone. Ive seen it from my moms point of wiew too. I know her story. I know she didnt know how to handle being worried. But in my case leaving me to be the bad child at the age of 12 didnt work. I kept running away after that. Thought I didnt mean anything to anyone. Ended up in some really bad shit I shouldnt cause no one took the guts to reach out and care. I accept her story, but she was supposed to be the caregiver. Not me. And now Im takin care of some one myself I know I will never get so trapped in side my own drama and worries Ill leave her to figure out things on her own. She is way to young for that. She needs care and guidance,

 

[ladee]

@Bloomy. I love your post. Your child has a wonderful mom! I loved that you said you would not be so trapped inside your own drama ... that is powerful and affirming.
Once my son and a friend walked 'the long way home'.... it was getting dark, this was before cell phones, and I was frantic... he finally ended up at my dads house.. he brought him home.. I remember just latching on to him when he got out of the truck, crying and patting him down to see if he was hurt, hugging him some more, and yet I was so upset and angry !! I did tell him later that the anger was fear... and to please never do that again...He was just being a kid... and I was just being a hysterical mom that had the worst case scenarios going thru my head...
@Sandstone, I am sorry that you weren't hugged and asked why you left. Such a turning point in your life , in hindsight. That makes me so sad for the little you..
I appreciate that you started this thread and that you will get to see the 'mom's point of view also... We can be some complicated creatures at times... so sending hugs now, if you accept them. It's never too late to get hugs.

 

[Sandstone]

How you interpreted that statement (how you felt when she said that) at the time, in combination with not being allowed to/asked to talk about it afterwards - they're the nub of it I'm thinking...

I took it pretty much at face value I think, that I was wrong and to blame. I felt criticised, blamed and responsible. She was always right, it was and is the rule. It is interesting though that I did take it literally, as so much of our family life was about guessing what she really meant and trying to forestall the problems of getting it wrong.

(Digression. She had a particular way of hanging the washing on the line. As an adult, I thought about it, and concluded it was not the most efficient approach, so started to do it differently. Now, every time I hang the washing up I hear her telling me I'm wrong, and am wasting pegs, then get into an internal argument about not being short of pegs. The T I was seeing suggested I tackle this by deliberately hanging it absurdly. T said I looked at her in horrified amazement that such rebellion could be considered. I've overcome it by drying my washing indoors, on an airer, with no pegs involved.) Life has always been about her being right, so perhaps this thread is all about me brandishing an example where I think she was wrong.

@Bloomy I'm not sure what you are saying. It sounds as though you are saying our mothers were right not be able to deal with it, but also that they were wrong. If we can give to our children, why was it OK for our mothers not to have been able to give to us?

 

[Sandstone]

@Ragdoll Circus On thinking it over a bit mre I think I also felt at the time that she was being magnanimous in letting me off rather than punishing me as I deserved. Probably that was the major sensation at the time. I always expect to be in trouble for having a need.