Dixiedakota
New Here
ok... I'm gonna try this so please bear with me. I'm sure I'm gonna be all over the place as my brain seems to be in a constant place of ALL OVER THE PLACE. It refuses to stay focused on one thing for more than 5 minutes. ever. period. It's only gotten this bad since July 30. 2015.
The day I lost by beloved Dixie Rose. The beautiful smiling face in my avatar. But, I will get back around to that in a bit. I hope. Anyway, the reason why I am here is I am desperate for some help, some support from others like me. I actually signed up a week or so ago but every time I would sit down in front of my computer and just look around the tears immediately began to flow. Nothing in particular "triggered" me. No particular story, No particular category nothing, just sitting here.... strange I know. Anyway, I was gonna wait until tomorrow after my therapy to write my intro but decided nope I'm just gonna jump right in.
So, with tears a flowing here I go. I think it will do me some good to actually write this out anyways but please excuse me if I jump around. I promise not to purposley confuse ya'll to bad. I also will probably leave alot of the graphic details of my story out that are to painful to discuss just yet because I am not yet ready to deal with those issues. so for now, just the basics.
My biological parents were married until I was 4. I love them both dearly. I was, always have been, and still am a daddy's girl. I was devestated when my parents divorced. I stayed with my mom. Which was pretty customary in the 70's I suppose. She was a dispatcher for the police dept. Soon after she married a police officer who had 3 kids. 2 girls and a boy. It was pretty cool because his one daughter Renee was my best friend in kindergarten. We were 8 months apart. My new younger brother was 8 months younger than me. The older sister was a 2nd grader. Well once the school found out me and renee were now sisters they promptly moved me to a different class. ugh.... oh well. whats one more change to an already traumatized 5 year olds world right lol.... I guess you could say the next 2 years were pretty uneventful and we all learned to adjust and become the "brady bunch".... oh! except my dear step father also became not only the captain of the police dept but the preacher of our small home town church too... so we were your everyday all american family that everyone wishes they had or could be....
When renee and I were 7 the step fathers dad began to touch us where he shouldn't and do other things when we would spend the weekend over at their house because he would come in from work in the wee hours of the morning. He never did the older sister though. to this day we cant figure out why???? we all three shared the same bed. and renee and i would fight over who got to sleep in the middle so it NEVER failed that granny would let the oldest one sleep in the middle.... But there were times that the oldest didnt sleep in the middle and he STILL never bothered her. anyways it took us MONTHS to get up the nerve to tell our parents. when we did we had to have this huge family "sit down" and talk....
Neither renee or I can remember a single word of this conversation, a single I'm sorry or anything, but we do know we werent allowed back over to spend the night. but we did still go to dinner after church on sundays and have family picnics and soon enough it was as if nothing ever happened. Well, probably six months later I guess this Godly law enforcing step monster of mine decided that since it was ok that his father had laid the foundation he would just pick up where he left off.... so my living hell started all over again. Just this time it got even worse. And now there was NO ONE to tell. Who was going to believe ME??
When you are a child you are told to go to someone in authority for help right? well, I couldn't go to my church. HE was the church..... I couldn't go the police.... HE was the police...... where was I to go?? Who would believe me?? So I endured my hell until I was 15 years old and couldn't do it anymore. I was staying at my Aunts house with my cousin and told her who in turn told my Aunt and I never went back to my prison again.
Now the down side to that is I have carried the guilt and shame of tearing my family apart for all these years. My little brother was an emotional wreck. My mom was the only mom he knew. He became suicidal. My sister Renee was my best friend. I was ripped away from her. My step monster refused to let us see each other. The other sister hated me and called me a liar because she worships her father and her grandfather and I've never been anything but trouble. So, see if I had just stuck it out 3 more years I would have been grown and could have left on my own and saved all there lives.... So maybe I am a horrible person.... ughhh... i dunno.... sometimes I do hate myself for saying anything.
Anyways, I have to make this brief cause I have to leave in 15 minutes and I want to get to the Dixie thing. so there is going to be a HUGE gap in my story. I ended up getting married having kids really young, got them raised, they are all married, kids of their own, doing wonderful in life. super proud of all three of them and their wonderful spouses. Anyways almost 12 years ago the guy I was with was working out of town ALOT and we lived in the middle of nowhere. all my kids were grown and gone running their own lives and he could see the clouds of depression rolling in. I had already had one major break down years prior when I had to be hospitilized and we didnt want that to happen again. so he said I think we should get you a dog. so I searched and searched and finally came across my dixie rose. there was an instant connection between her and I. I cant even explain it.
Of Course this is before I even knew about dogs and PTSD.... but now looking back on it that is EXACTLY what she was...... We connected on such a deeper level that is indescribable. I swear she was my soulmate. My mom used to tell me all the time that she was honestly concerned for my mental state if something should ever happen to her. We were glued at the hip. Well on July 30, 2015 I had no choice but to put her suffering to rest. I had her cremated and she is still right here with me but it has put me in such a state of depression and full blown ptsd that at times I litterally have felt I am loosing my mind.
I dont sleep, I dont eat, I take enough medication my doc said should knock out an elephant. And I never put two and two together until doing some late night research on ptsd and service dogs and then it hit me..... Maybe thats why her death hit me like it did. I dunno.... Just my two cents. Maybe I'm just crazy.... Hell I dunno..... Like I said my brain is all over the place lol... but i really gotta go now... Or I will be late... Sorry to leave so much out to my story but I intend to stick around awhile so I'm sure I can fill in as many gaps as you'd like. Thanks for taking the time to read my garbled thoughts and thanks for having me here!!
The day I lost by beloved Dixie Rose. The beautiful smiling face in my avatar. But, I will get back around to that in a bit. I hope. Anyway, the reason why I am here is I am desperate for some help, some support from others like me. I actually signed up a week or so ago but every time I would sit down in front of my computer and just look around the tears immediately began to flow. Nothing in particular "triggered" me. No particular story, No particular category nothing, just sitting here.... strange I know. Anyway, I was gonna wait until tomorrow after my therapy to write my intro but decided nope I'm just gonna jump right in.
So, with tears a flowing here I go. I think it will do me some good to actually write this out anyways but please excuse me if I jump around. I promise not to purposley confuse ya'll to bad. I also will probably leave alot of the graphic details of my story out that are to painful to discuss just yet because I am not yet ready to deal with those issues. so for now, just the basics.
My biological parents were married until I was 4. I love them both dearly. I was, always have been, and still am a daddy's girl. I was devestated when my parents divorced. I stayed with my mom. Which was pretty customary in the 70's I suppose. She was a dispatcher for the police dept. Soon after she married a police officer who had 3 kids. 2 girls and a boy. It was pretty cool because his one daughter Renee was my best friend in kindergarten. We were 8 months apart. My new younger brother was 8 months younger than me. The older sister was a 2nd grader. Well once the school found out me and renee were now sisters they promptly moved me to a different class. ugh.... oh well. whats one more change to an already traumatized 5 year olds world right lol.... I guess you could say the next 2 years were pretty uneventful and we all learned to adjust and become the "brady bunch".... oh! except my dear step father also became not only the captain of the police dept but the preacher of our small home town church too... so we were your everyday all american family that everyone wishes they had or could be....
When renee and I were 7 the step fathers dad began to touch us where he shouldn't and do other things when we would spend the weekend over at their house because he would come in from work in the wee hours of the morning. He never did the older sister though. to this day we cant figure out why???? we all three shared the same bed. and renee and i would fight over who got to sleep in the middle so it NEVER failed that granny would let the oldest one sleep in the middle.... But there were times that the oldest didnt sleep in the middle and he STILL never bothered her. anyways it took us MONTHS to get up the nerve to tell our parents. when we did we had to have this huge family "sit down" and talk....
Neither renee or I can remember a single word of this conversation, a single I'm sorry or anything, but we do know we werent allowed back over to spend the night. but we did still go to dinner after church on sundays and have family picnics and soon enough it was as if nothing ever happened. Well, probably six months later I guess this Godly law enforcing step monster of mine decided that since it was ok that his father had laid the foundation he would just pick up where he left off.... so my living hell started all over again. Just this time it got even worse. And now there was NO ONE to tell. Who was going to believe ME??
When you are a child you are told to go to someone in authority for help right? well, I couldn't go to my church. HE was the church..... I couldn't go the police.... HE was the police...... where was I to go?? Who would believe me?? So I endured my hell until I was 15 years old and couldn't do it anymore. I was staying at my Aunts house with my cousin and told her who in turn told my Aunt and I never went back to my prison again.
Now the down side to that is I have carried the guilt and shame of tearing my family apart for all these years. My little brother was an emotional wreck. My mom was the only mom he knew. He became suicidal. My sister Renee was my best friend. I was ripped away from her. My step monster refused to let us see each other. The other sister hated me and called me a liar because she worships her father and her grandfather and I've never been anything but trouble. So, see if I had just stuck it out 3 more years I would have been grown and could have left on my own and saved all there lives.... So maybe I am a horrible person.... ughhh... i dunno.... sometimes I do hate myself for saying anything.
Anyways, I have to make this brief cause I have to leave in 15 minutes and I want to get to the Dixie thing. so there is going to be a HUGE gap in my story. I ended up getting married having kids really young, got them raised, they are all married, kids of their own, doing wonderful in life. super proud of all three of them and their wonderful spouses. Anyways almost 12 years ago the guy I was with was working out of town ALOT and we lived in the middle of nowhere. all my kids were grown and gone running their own lives and he could see the clouds of depression rolling in. I had already had one major break down years prior when I had to be hospitilized and we didnt want that to happen again. so he said I think we should get you a dog. so I searched and searched and finally came across my dixie rose. there was an instant connection between her and I. I cant even explain it.
Of Course this is before I even knew about dogs and PTSD.... but now looking back on it that is EXACTLY what she was...... We connected on such a deeper level that is indescribable. I swear she was my soulmate. My mom used to tell me all the time that she was honestly concerned for my mental state if something should ever happen to her. We were glued at the hip. Well on July 30, 2015 I had no choice but to put her suffering to rest. I had her cremated and she is still right here with me but it has put me in such a state of depression and full blown ptsd that at times I litterally have felt I am loosing my mind.
I dont sleep, I dont eat, I take enough medication my doc said should knock out an elephant. And I never put two and two together until doing some late night research on ptsd and service dogs and then it hit me..... Maybe thats why her death hit me like it did. I dunno.... Just my two cents. Maybe I'm just crazy.... Hell I dunno..... Like I said my brain is all over the place lol... but i really gotta go now... Or I will be late... Sorry to leave so much out to my story but I intend to stick around awhile so I'm sure I can fill in as many gaps as you'd like. Thanks for taking the time to read my garbled thoughts and thanks for having me here!!
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