Sufferer Setback

[Celtic]

Hello!
I have had PTSD since I was 4 years old. I am 45 now. I was formally diagnosed in my thirties. I have pursued recovery with a vengeance through the years; intensive therapy, groups, writing, meditation but my latest coping outlet, aggressive training ie running, crossfit are out of my reach, due to an injury. So the floodgates have been opened again. The latest focus of my brain is to have me feel intense guilt and shame over how I healed and repaired myself after the traumas and abuse stopped. I was on a mission to destroy myself through an eating disorder and letting people use me for sex. I come from a small town and each sin of mine is remembered and thrown in my face whenever people feel like it. So I realize this is as clear as mud, but I think I am feeling the guilt and shame due to the people I hurt in trying to deal with my hurt.
I was my uncle's favorite plaything for many years, I OD at 16 due to immense turmoil that lived inside me. In the midst of this my family home caught on fire and my two little brothers were lost. my mother publicly blamed me. and she may have been correct as i was reading by candle light that night. however my therapist in University says it cannot be true as I would have been the first to go. I disclosed the abuse to my parents after the OD but my mother asked if I realized I told them in front of a person from my community.
Sorry this is my first post and It's hard to convey the essence in a concise manner. Basically people think I am worthless whore, no matter how many positive changes I have made in my life. I was actually surprised by how people still viewed me in this small town after being gone for so long. thank you for this opportunity!

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the community!

Did the exact same thing with exercise... It's an absolutely fantastic stress management tool, bleeding off stress daily in small doses, & burning it off hot and fast when things start hitting hard... Taking that away? Always leaves me a right proper mess. Whether I'm rehabbing an injury, or something else has benched me, losing that tool is a fast track to sundial ideation, despair, exhaustion, depression, & other fun adventures in having a finite capacity for stress :wtf:

The upside... Is now that I know what exercise did/does for me PTSD-wise, instead of just knowing I need this to be okay... I can deliberately go about managing my stress in other ways. Until I can get myself fit again to continue.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.83659/

Again, welcome to the forums :)

 

[Mytime]

Welcome to the Community

You said you are feeling guilt and shame. Did you start feeling this way after you moved back to the small town you grow up in or before you moved back?

 

[Celtic]

Welcome to the community!

Did the exact same thing with exercise... It's an absolutely fantastic s...

Thank you Fridayjones for the insight and referral to the cup analogue. I think it is the perfect tool. Also thank you for not pointing out how I should have posted it in introductions etc... i will get the hang of things

 

[Celtic]

Welcome to the Community

You said you are feeling guilt and shame. Did you start feeling this way aft...

thank you mytime for the response. No I have not moved back to this small town. I have recently moved from canada to the US. I was trying to explain my lastest stress involves feeling guilty about past bad behaviours and choices that were i am sure a way to cope with my abuse and trauma, but i am still responsible for my actions and behaviors. just a bitter pill to swallow I guess. thank you again for your time.

 

[Mytime]

I agree we all have to be responsible for our actions. But in saying that, we all have to except, we are human.

Apart of life is making mistakes and learning from them. We have choices in life and we don't always make the right one. It doesn't make you a bad person.
It makes you human,it's how we learn.

When we're little someone could say,(don't touch the stove it hot, some might say ok and move on. Some might look at it and think what do they mean hot.) so we put our hand on it.

Now we know what hot means. We just learned it in a different way

The past is the past, no matter how hard we try, we can't change it. But we can learn from it. I think the hardest part for me was forgiveness.

Forgiveness for myself, of all the stupid things I did or thought. Was I always proud of myself? NO, but I learn from them. My mistakes didn't change who my true self is. I'm kind,funny as hell, sarcastic, loyal, protective, loving, and 99.9 percent of the time non judgmental.(not perfect)

Make sure your feelings of guilt and shame are yours, not of others.

I would love for you to share who your true self is. Not the person, that little voice tells you. Because that is NOT your voice. That is the voice of others, putting there guilt and shame on you.

 

[Celtic]

Mytime,
The chaos and turmoil I am going through right now makes me want to call everyone I have harmed and apologize. For example, when I used to babysit my little cousins people would come over to party even though my aunt would say no and one time I had unwanted to sex with this guy when he forced the issue. the kids were sleeping in the next room. I have no idea how this affected these poor children. I had no strength or boundaries back then. The shame and guilt I believe are mine to own. The voice in my head is bringing up the past and saying remember this ...you were so horrible to have done this... My true self is funny, loving, forgiving of others and compassionate.
how long have you struggled with PTSD? sending you blessings and love. thank you for listening to me and for all of your feedback.

 

[Sideways]

Argh! The "W" word! I was taught that I was one of those as a kid, & spent most of my 20s living up to it. The guilt & shame? Got that stuff in spades, but this place really helps. Non-judgmental bunch of people who actually get it, & someone's always around listening & ready with words of support. Welcome to the forum:)

 

[Mytime]

Thank you for your kind words. I also grow up in a small town. Everyone knew everyone's business. This Neighbor left there family to be with this neighbor.... I'm sure you know how is go's.

I had a pretty good childhood I was a dad's girl, his little princess. At around the age of 9 my dad started drinking and came verbal abusive. I wasn't always his princess anymore, sometimes I was what he called a retard.(my brothers also) the older I got the more abusive he became.

He then became physically abusive. So my mother packed us up and fled out west with us.

Now I was a very small town girl in a big city. My life was drinking,drugs, street kids (run away from home) sex around me. Friends doing tricks for money. I always got to go home they weren't so lucky.

I also did a lot of things I'm not proud of. I carried a lot of guilt for leaving my dad, the way we did.

As an adult I did therapy and forgave my dad. I have a relationship with him. and love him very much. The hardest part was forgiving myself for all the stuff I did to myself and the people around me.

Now I'm a supporter, for my husband who has PTSD. We've been together for 26 years. We have 3 beautiful kids who are the world to me.

In the beginning of my husbands PTSD, let's just say he wasn't very nice. Which seemed to put me back into my childhood. I have anxiety,I no longer feel safe. I don't sleep because my mind no longer lets me (always looking for the back up plan) always trying to find what I did wrong,feeling worthless and unlovable. But I'm doing EMDR and logo synthesis therapy right now and doing much better.

I hope you can find your peace again. Sending positive energy your way.

 

[Suzetig]

I had unwanted to sex with this guy when he forced the issue. the kids were sleeping in the next room. I have no idea how this affected these poor children. I had no strength or boundaries back then.

I feel it's important to recognise that this wasn't about you not having any strength or boundaries, this is about someone making you have sex against your will, which is rape. You are not in any way to blame for what happened and any impact on the children is the responsibility of the person who raped you.

I know that sounds quite blunt, but it's the truth. I hope your therapist has explained this to you - over and over again for as long as it takes. You are not to blame for being raped.

 

[intothelight]

@Celtic Welcome to the forum! :)

Every human being makes mistakes, and that is the hard part of growing up in an abusive home, we don't allow ourselves to be human and hold ourselves to impossible standards. When a person is blamed for everything that is bad or wrong, that message is internalized, but in all honesty, the message is a complete and total lie. Learn to view yourself with the same understanding and compassion you would another person. It takes time, but allow yourself just to be human and learn to let go of the guilt and the shame.

 

[Trinket]

but I think I am feeling the guilt and shame due to the people I hurt in trying to deal with my hurt.

I can relate a lot to these feelings of guilt and shame..a lot of regret for things that happened at times when I think I was the most vulnerable and experiencing the most pain. Sometimes it can help me to remember that I don't hold others to the same standards I hold myself to, knowing what kind of mess I came from. I know that I have a responsibility now to get better, but it's taking me lots of time and patience.

It sounds like you have had many painful experiences, but I hope you find some help here in this forum. :)