Sufferer Introducing ... Me

[Bragado Jansing]

Hello everyone,

I was recently diagnosed with PTSD, and I'm starting on this uhhh ... interesting journey. I figure I should probably seek out some support.

I've been trying to deal with this on my own using bibliotherapy, but my bootstrapping and will-to-power is nothing compared to the intense, excruciating, blinding pain and despair of this condition. Plus the whole walking death thing. PTSD is truly a condition that takes even the strongest willed and turns them into paste. Screw anyone who says otherwise.

Anyway, here I am!

Bragado J.

 

[sun seeker]

Welcome!

I've been trying to deal with this on my own using bibliotherapy, but my bootstrapping and will-to-power is nothing compared to the intense, excruciating, blinding pain and despair of this condition.

Agreed. They are located in completely different parts of the brain. You can use your will power to find and stick with treatment, though. There is no substitute for good therapy. I stress "good" because sometimes it takes some shopping around.

Your phrasing here prompted me to look up what parts of the brain contribute to will power. I don't seem to be able to post links, but it's an interesting thing to google.

 

[seedling]

Welcome to the forum! You will find lots of great info and support to help get yourself "unpasted"!

I found PTSD to be a good lesson in accepting the help I needed to get better. I see the (professional) help of others as a tool in my recovery.
Nothing like having a great treatment team ;) lol

 

[Ronin]

Welcome to the forums.

But I beg to differ in seeing of PTSD. Who I've met are no paste, quite the contrary, it's people even more strong willed however much our bodies play against us and for our abusers from within. No paste does it.

 

[Fadeaway]

As a self-diagnosed bibliomaniac (compulsive book hoarder) bibliotherapy can only get you so far. If bootstrapping was possible for someone with PTSD we wouldn't have PTSD. I am guessing you have read books on CBT.

But I beg to differ in seeing of PTSD. Who I've met are no paste, quite the contrary, it's people even more strong willed however much our bodies play against us and for our abusers from within. No paste does it.

What Cashew said. I know from your other thread you currently do not have insurance, but could you look into a public mental health program in your area? There are therapist who do sliding fees based on income. I really do think finding a good therapist should be your number one priority.

Welcome to the forums.

 

[Bragado Jansing]

What Cashew said. I know from your other thread you currently do not have insurance, but could you look into a public mental health program in your area? There are therapist who do sliding fees based on income. I really do think finding a good therapist should be your number one priority.

The only public mental health program in my area is a substance abuse one. Since I only smoke, it really isn't relevant to me. I live outside NYC so I could try there, but I'm not a NYC resident right now, so I might not have access to it. I'm going to keep looking, but the only ones I've found so far are really expensive, and one I found explicitly states it doesn't take people who are unemployed. WTF is that?

I think a huge reason I'm having problems finding therapy are two-fold, beyond the woeful state of mental health care in this country. I tried seeing two therapists while I was at my abusive job, and my therapists exploited me. One therapist was a guy who worked with Albert Ellis, and I thought he'd be great--instead he showed me pictures of post-op transvestites and erect penises (h e was apparently working on a sex textbook), complimented my face and body, and asked me if I was gay. The other therapist was a woman who manipulated my trauma and I ended up wasting a year and half and lots of money there. And she wanted to sleep with me, too, telling me I could talk to her about sex, and I was special because of that, she didn't do that with other clients (and of course since I'm a guy I must be one lucky duck, yeah! Real great having weird, abusive creeps try to get with me).

The second reason is the reality of this stuff is really, really painful. I've been running from it since it first popped up when I was 16 years old. That in and of itself was traumatic: I thought I was going insane for about two years, which is due in part to my family convincing me I was the wrong one... that whole thing. Since I'm alone I don't want to go through that again, and I never want to feel that way again, and I feel like if I see a therapist and talk honestly about it, that I'm going to have to feel that way again. And I don't. It's just terrible.

So that's what's up. Thank you for the reply.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am sorry to hear about your experience, and it's even worse knowing that they are not uncommon. Bad therapists are out there. I went through a few bad ones myself before finding a good fit with the therapist I have now. It took a while and I was without a therapist for about a year before finding mine.

Unfortunately, the other truth is that when we have had trauma, we tend to attract abusive people.

A good therapist will tell you right off the bat that YOU control what happens in therapy. If you want to spend the first year just talking about the weather, because it makes you feel safe, then that is your prerogative.

You aren't alone here and not only will you receive support, but you can learn what to look for in a good therapist, so you know in advance once the time comes.

 

[Bragado Jansing]

I am sorry to hear about your experience, and it's even worse knowing that they are not uncommon. Bad t...

Thanks. I think I might just kill myself. There's really no help out there available to me ATM since there are no programs that I can use, no place I can go for help, and I have no IRL support to lift me up. I'm in a dire employment situation, there's no safety net in the US, and I'm really just sick of this.

My cousin killed himself. He was the only person in my family who was like me (as in, not a total psychopath). He was an impressive person: research scientist, world championship skateboarder, musician in a popular NYC underground band, etc. If that guy couldn't do it, I probably can't, either. I tried. I tried hard. But sometimes, it just doesn't work out.

 

[Fadeaway]

You are not alone in that at all. People who don't have PTSD have a hard time understand so IRL support is hard to come by. And no, the U.S. doesn't do much to help people out. But support here is worth its weight in gold.

 

[Bragado Jansing]

You are not alone in that at all. People who don't have PTSD have a hard time understand so IRL support...

What I've learned is that this is a brutal, heartless country. It's no surprise we're having a neo-fascist thing going on with Donald Trump. I was predicting this like a year ago, just based on how rabid people have been getting about attacking and crushing "the weak". Not a good time to have problems here.

 

[Fadeaway]

We have a pretty good anti-trump thread going that you might like to share in.

 

[Bragado Jansing]

We have a pretty good anti-trump thread going that you might like to share in.

Haha, maybe I will. Thanks for the replies. I don't mean to be a bummer, but this is just way heavy stuff I've got going on here, and I am really frustrated about how hard it's been finding help out there in the world.