Sexual Assault Just Found Out My Daughter Was Molested

[Heather]

We will be going this morning to see the psychiatrist (specializes in kids) to see if meds. are the right course for Nicole. I'm scared to go but think it's a good idea to at least her what dr. has to say.

Still not crazy about putting a 12 y/o little girl on medication.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

If it helps her you will know soon enough. Good for you on trying this one.

 

[Heather]

Went and saw psychiatrist. She didn't put her on anything for meds. Said she couldn't get a "read" on her. We will go back in a month. She did encourage her to take the melatonin 3mg or Benadryl to help with sleep.

She opted for melatonin.

I guess we will see what happens in the months ahead.....how she's healing/dealing with this mess. Nicole said, "what Selena did to me doesn't bother me". She is in such denial. Since this has come out:

she's not sleeping (bags under her eyes)
she's in my bed every night
she's having bad dreams
outbursts
crying spells
looks miserable
says that nothing will ever change and life will never get better.

But yet claims it doesn't bother her. She just wants to sweep it under the rug and act like it never happened.

How is she supposed to heal from this if she won't deal with it? She says her and her therapist hardly talk about it at all. What kind of trauma therapy is that?

in the 3rd grade I got a call from her teacher telling me that she came to her saying she wanted to hurt herself. It scared the hell out of me. I'm afraid we're headed down the same path. I'm glad she told her teacher but she is not the same kid anymore. And my fear is if she's having those feelings, she wouldn't reach out for help like she did in the past.

I am so worried about her. I don't know what to do for her? As a mom, I can't fix this and it's one of the most painful things as a parent. You see your child hurting and there's not a god damn thing you can do to stop it.

I'm seriously considering that when our lease is up next November to move out of town. It would just be the next town over but get us out of this environment completely. I think a change would do us good.

 

[Casey_03]

@Heather I think you're right to consider moving to a new town, it really might help. Also, I know this is probably not much consolation, but it is good that Nicole is dealing with this (to some extent or another) now. I know she might still be in denial, but the therapy she is getting and the help she is getting from you will all make a huge difference. Even the fact that you are aware and she has seen you react will make a huge difference. And if she's having crying spells, as painful as it is to watch, it's actually a good thing. Because it means she is working through this in some way. I was molested as a child and no one ever acknowledged it (I myself didn't even remember it till years later). The delay made things a lot worse and it all hit me at the worst time of my life. And for years, I struggled so so so much and nearly died -- all because no one had ever been angry on my behalf. My mother had never tried to help, I never got to hear my parents say that what happened to me was deeply wrong. So for years I thought I deserved it and I considered myself worthless. Undoubtedly, Nicole faces an uphill battle here, but I think you do need to commend yourself for being there for her and showing her how much you care. It might not seem to be making a difference right now, but trust me, it is. And it will likely prevent a lot of pain down the road.

 

[Mammasalt]

I just spoke with Brianna's dad and he said she is having the same problems as Nicole. I.e. not sleeping...

My mother thinks she failed me by not protecting me. I feel even worse that it has made my mum feel like she is a failure, she is the best mum. I'm a mother to a daughter now too and I have no doubt I would feel the same as my mum and you if something like that happened to my little girl. What I'm trying to say is yes be honest with your feelings but also remember that we don't want to upset our mums because we love them.

 

[ghotiff]

How is she supposed to heal from this if she won't deal with it? She says her and her therapist hardly talk about it at all. What kind of trauma therapy is that?

This seems normal trauma therapy to me. There is a lot of work to be done prior to trauma processing (i.e. Talking about it).

 

[joeylittle]

I guess we will see what happens in the months ahead.....how she's healing/dealing with this mess. Nicole said, "what Selena did to me doesn't bother me". She is in such denial.

Some advice: one of the best things you can do for her right now is not judge anything about her; not in your mind, and not out loud. I'm not saying that you've done it out loud - but she might not be in denial. She might be trying to take care of you, because she's been privy to your stress around the event. That's not denial, it's something altogether different, and not good.

Or, it may seem small to her in the bigger scheme of whatever else is in her life that you either don't know about, or don't know to think about, because she's at the age when the brain kind of explodes with activity. Emotional regulation is hard for a pre-teen no matter what.

Accept what she tells you. Let her talk when she wants, and leave silence when you are not sure. It will be opposite your instinct to fix things - but let her talk, listen, ask. You will need to accept that you likely aren't going to know with complete accuracy what she really feels. There are bits she likely doesn't know herself.

She just wants to sweep it under the rug and act like it never happened.

If this were true she would most likely be isolating. What she more likely wants is to not feel so shitty, and probably for you to not feel bad, too. Sometimes she'll want to pretend it never happened. And sometimes, it's not bad to cope that way. So, if she sleeps better in your bed with you for the time being, that's OK, that's what she's asking for and you can give her that. And if she's laughing and talking the next day like nothing happened, then that's what's up, and it's OK too. Try and not have expectations of what healing will look like for her.

I know it's hard, I am not saying it's easy. Just something I'd suggest you think about.

 

[Heather]

@Casey_03 Your words bring tears to my eyes....not out of sadness (well, maybe a little) but more out of maybe, just maybe I'm doing the right thing by my daughter. I love her so much.....words don't even come close to how much, I would give my life for her.

I try so hard to show her how much I love and support her and your words mean so much.

Thank you.

 

[Heather]

This seems normal trauma therapy to me. There is a lot of work to be done prior to trauma processing (i.e. Talking about it).

Her therapist is leaving at the end of April. If they are hardly talking about it, there's not enough time to process all that went on in the last 2 years in the next 6 weeks. Nicole is very reluctant to talk about it. I know her therapist isn't pushing her to talk about it because you can't make someone talk, if they don't want to talk.

My fear is her reluctance to talking about it is going to 'cause her to backslide. She wasn't displaying all these "signs and symptoms" before Brianna disclosed to me that it was happening to her too. It's out now and she can't deny it anymore.

 

[Heather]

@joeylittle I think some of your points are straight on....she is picking up how hard this is for me and sometimes I'm such a mess because of it, that she ends up comforting me. I know this isn't healthy....I'M the PARENT not her but I can't help it. It gets so painful.

But I do think that she is denying how much it bothers her...what happened. She's told me on several occasions that she never would've told (if it hadn't been for Brianna), she wants nothing to do with it, doesn't want to talk or think about it. And there's more things that have happened that she hasn't admitted to.

The entire time it was going on, she told me she kept telling herself, "this isn't happening, this isn't happening". She's also repressed some stuff as well. Because Brianna was up there when it was happening to her and what Brianna reported to me, Nicole has no recollection of.

I know you say take her at face value but my daughter (when it comes to this) is all talk. So, a lot of times I don't accept what she tells me because her behavior is the exact opposite. Words are just that words.....actions speak volumes.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea....I'VE NEVER SAID ANY OF THIS TO NICOLE. These discussions have been with my mom, therapist, her therapist and rape crisis advocate.

I have told Nicole bottling this stuff up and acting like it's no big deal is like putting a lid on a box and there's only so much room in that box before the top pops off. Trying to stuff it down....is not the way to deal with this.

Maybe I'm trying too hard. I just hate to see her suffer.

I'm all for giving her what she needs and if she needs to sleep in my bed for the next.....however long that is ok (although I will say she is a cover hog:p).

I feel like I'm rambling.....but I do hear you when you say that she maybe picking up my stress......I don't want that on her. She shouldn't have to take care of me.

I do agree with you, when you pointed out that there maybe more going on to her feeling shitty than just what happened with Selena. In the past two months: we've moved, she's changed schools, been pulled away from her friends that she saw everyday, the boy that she called her "boyfriend" declared over a text message he no longer liked her and was breaking up with her.

I think all of these things add up to her feeling like hell.

I've also set boundaries and rules, that she doesn't like. But it's for her own good. To keep her safe and right now that is my number one goal.

She's angry at me for not allowing her to go over to one of her friend's houses anymore because I found out that the mother had a bad drug habit (so bad that DCF stepped in and threated to remove the child) and her daughter had head lice and kept passing it to Nicole.

Since I haven't allowed her to go over there Nicole finally (after 7 months) no longer has a problem with lice. There's also other reasons why I'm not comfortable with her going over....but I'm finally listening to my gut and I know I'm doing the right thing. Nicole isn't happy about this at all.

 

[joeylittle]

Nicole isn't happy about this at all.

Figuring out how to empower your children while also setting and boundaries that they might not yet know how to set for themselves - it's got to be tough for you.

She's still going to school, right? Something that occurs to me, re: her heavy-duty compartmentalization, is that keeping your public face on while your private one is decimated is one of the hardest things to do, and I know very few kids who are capable of it before they pass all the way through puberty and beyond. Some of that avoidance she's doing might be rooted in that kind of coping. This idea will sound terrible, but...have you looked into letting her home-school for awhile? Or do some kind of away residential trauma facility-slash-school for her age group? There might be one or two in the US, I don't know.

I can think of all sorts of reasons why keeping her home is a bad idea. Just wondering how it would be for her if she didn't have to do a daily public routine. Sort of like taking a medical leave, so her mind could un-clench and start to process.

I also think finishing up with the current therapist could be a great opportunity to give her a fresh start with a new one, perhaps one that was stronger in how to ally with a child client. Wish you lived in my part of the country, because it's a big chunk of what my therapist does, and he's very, very good at it. But he can't be the only one.

I have told Nicole bottling this stuff up and acting like it's no big deal is like putting a lid on a box and there's only so much room in that box before the top pops off. Trying to stuff it down....is not the way to deal with this.

This is a great concept for her to grasp and it's wonderful that you are emphasizing it.

I feel like I'm rambling.....but I do hear you when you say that she maybe picking up my stress......I don't want that on her. She shouldn't have to take care of me.

You're not rambling, no worries. And there's a certain amount of her wanting to take care of you that just comes with the territory of being someone's child - so I think my reminder was more along the lines of, just know that she'd be doing that no matter what you do, because she's going to see herself as the problem. That'll make her hyper-attuned to the signals you send about her coping with things in a 'right' way vs. a 'wrong' way. And she'll have a strong radar for your worry. Of course you can't turn it off...and you aren't trying to pressure her, I believe that. Maybe just reminding her that it's not her fault, and that you are really more glad that everything came to light and was stopped, than you are sad that it happened in the first place. It's obviously more complex than that, but we all know how easy it is to fall into black and white thinking.

Now I'm definitely rambling. Hope some of this helps.

 

[Heather]

@joeylittle Already done. I couldn't imagine keeping her in that school having to see Selena on a daily basis was really upsetting to her....She wanted to puke and Selena kept glaring at her. So, I pulled her. She is now technically home-schooled, she does go to a learning center for teens tues through Fri.

It's a wonderful place and they've been so supportive. And honestly my daughter struggled with school a lot. She has a processing delay and even though she was receiving services 5 days a week, she wasn't learning, minimal learning at best. At 12 she still doesn't know her math facts.... Well, I'm happy to report that one month home with me and she knows her 2 - 6 tables and most of 7's.

She's read two books, learning all about the 50 states and working on how to write a sentence (correctly). Also, correct punctuation and heavy focus on spelling. The kid can't spell. She's also doing creative writing..... They have a newsletter they publish at the center and her first story will be in it.....pretty cool.

I tell her all the time how proud of her I am and how much progress she's made in such a short amount of time. She gave me a B+ as a teacher, not too shabby.

Aside from that, I struggle every day.... I don't want to hear about Selena and what she may or may not have gone through. Quite frankly I don't care. It might sound cold but I can't go there and I don't know when or if I'll ever be able to.

The rape crisis advocate asked me how would I feel if I was selena's mother? And I wanted to scream at her, "I'M NOT HER f*ckING MOTHER!!!!!!!!" I can't go to the flip side of this.

I am still reeling from what has happened. My counselor says I am grieving....I am caught between rage and immense grief. I don't know how long I will be there but that's where I'm at.

So, hearing about her (Selena) doesn't do me any good.

Something more likely happened to her to make her do this to at least 4 kids that we know of....so, she is a victim. But she is also a perpetrator! Right now that is all I see about her. My anger is blinding and not having the D.A. do anything is so very painful and I'm working through it but it's going to take time, probably a really long time.

I could go on and on but I'm tired. Just so tired and this is starting to make me really upset, so I'm going to stop.