"learn To Accept Your Position In Life"

[EveHarrington]

I've written (and deleted) this post at least 5 times. I'm forcing myself to at least say ---something--- because I need to change.

Relationships leave me feeling owned, possessed, controlled. Unable to be myself. Required to fulfill a myriad of responsibilities or else they will leave.

People walked away after I was diagnosed and quite symptomatic. (No blame.) I then moved on to thinking I had to be whatever others wanted in order to keep them in my life. I'm sure this left me ripe for the picking, right?

So along comes this guy.... I thought he liked me, I thought he cared. I was lying to myself. Every little infraction required me to do something for him to make things right. Sexual things. Sexual things that I didn't want to do. This has been going on for a number of years.

Yesterday I balked. I knew he was insecure about his safe deposit box. Ahem. I told him I didn't like it. Hell hath no fury....like his response. Was that the right approach? Probably not. I think my subconscious mind finally wanted out. But whoa, those words he spoke to me finally got me to realize just how demented the situation with him was.

How could I let myself get into a situation like that where I let myself do all of these sexual things that I didn't want to do? Just to keep some jerkoff guy in my life? I feel disgusted. I lied to myself the whole time. I told myself that he really cared or else he wouldn't be around. He never actually said he cared for me, instead opting for the "would I be here if I didn't want to be?" statement instead.

The statement that woke me up?

"Learn to accept your position in life"

In the context of our spat he was essentially saying that my position is to sexually please him and give him whatever he wants. (I think I'm going to throw up.)

Where am I going with this? I don't know. Breaking free from him was a major step. Still at risk for backsliding though (as I often do). I need to keep myself accountable so I'm writing this post.

I need to work on shifting my view of relationships as the subservient one who must make everything right, do everything right, acquiesce to the demands of the other no matter what.

I'm likable/lovable without having to do all of that! Dammit.

I am requesting responses only from those who have PTSD. I hope you understand.

 

[scout86]

Relationships leave me feeling owned, possessed, controlled.

That's something I realized right about the time I got divorced. I decided that "no relationship" was better than that kind of relationship. Not that I was ever a big relationship person.

All I've got to say it "good for you". I think you've taken the first step towards a better way of life.

 

[Mammasalt]

Some Mr Wrongs are Mr Asshats and some relationships are just shit and we don't always realise until it's too late. I wasted 2 years with a Mr WasIStonedTheWholeRelationship who didn't want to have sex with me because I was 'tainted' and he wanted to wait until marriage. So losing his virginity to a prostatute and then sleeping with my best friend was my fault! So my advice, take whatever you can and run! Run as quick as you can! Cos when Mr Right rocks up you will appreciate him more and of course your f*cking worth it! My Mr Right was just around the corner and the poor bastard still puts up with my shit happily. Also extra brownie points for not decking him with that bullshit comment. I'd be sitting in a cop shop filling out paperwork if some guy pulled the crap on me.

 

[Casey_03]

I have found myself in similar relationships, and I gained some insight that you may or may not find helpful, but I will offer it here just in case. I don't know all the details of your background/relationships/life, so forgive me if I am way off here and please understand this is just my own personal finding from being in such relationships. For a long time I despised the men who treated me like crap (as they should be despised) and devoted way too much energy to trying to understand how someone can possibly be so reprehensible. I only later began to focus on the truly important thing -- why I kept finding myself with reprehensible people to begin with. I had always considered myself more confident and "strong" than the "type of girl who finds herself in emotionally abusive relationships" -- (I say "type of girl who finds herself in emotionally abusive relationships" in quotes here because it's a fallacy, there is no such type and no formula). But I was stupid and hadn't yet realized that I was intentionally finding these types of guys because i didn't want warmth and love and compassion. I would cry and be insulted and get hurt repeatedly, but it never clicked with me that I was doing this to myself, that I was so afraid of actual warmth and love that i chose to take the more predictable path of emotional abuse. It was easier that way; I knew what to expect and I was prepared for it. Not so with sincere warmth. So, maybe for you there is an element of that happening here? It was kind of empowering for me to realize that even when I was the "victim," I wasn't really the victim ... I was still in charge of the types of relationships i got into. That realization made me a lot stronger. I'm just putting this out there because maybe you are going through something similar. But if not, ignore me! And good on you for realizing this guy is scum ....

 

[watundah]

Sadly, we're led down paths where things start out so great, where we feel wonderful that we have someone to care; only to awake when years have passed and nothing is what we thought.

Sending you warmth and strength to build the life that you want and deserve.

 

[Stickler]

What would your demands look like?

 

[desiderata310]

I could have written this.
How did you get into that situation? Dunno. I think it happens gradually. Right? That seems to be the way it happened if I remember correctly. I made one concession and then another and gradually I found that I was no longer a part of a relationship (had I ever been?) but an object in an ownership.

Let's stop beating around the bush shall we? Call this what it is: an emotionally abusive relationship. POSSIBLY sexually abusive. Hell I will go out on a limb and say it is absolutely sexually abusive. There's more than one way to hold your partner down.

Do you live with this person? If not then backsliding is both easier and harder to avoid.
Throw that quote back in his face. Tell him that you ARE accepting your place and now making it better. It's high time that he accept that you are the one that he treated Like shit and didn't deserve it. (Do NOT let him talk you into 'Staying" on the promis of better treatment. We both know how that will end. If not look up "cycle of abuse" and then come back and talk to me)
Decide to stay out of a relationship for an extended time and work on you.
I dunno. I'm babbling. Emotionally abusive relationships are hard to explain to people. It actually became easier for me to leave when things became violent. Everything in an emotionally abusive relationship is so... I don't know it feels so petty when I tried to explain it. And I never could explain it well.

DO yourself a favor. Give yourself the gift of STOPPING ALL communication with him. No matter what that takes.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Time to bring out the biggums.

LD

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

That's something I realized right about the time I got divorced. I decided that "no relationship" was be...

I, too, could have written this, and I can't say it any better.

I have been officially single for 21 years, and am quite happy with living 'alone'. (Not actually alone, I care for my mother, and my dad before he passed away) There is one to answer to, no one to try to fix, help, worry about, or feel claustrophobic with. I really believe that not ALL of us are meant to have a lifelong spouse. Maybe I could have without the c-ptsd.

I know the PTSD has a huge role to play in my feelings, but I am comfortable NOT working on those areas in therapy. I ALWAYS choose wrong, and I don't want to hurt anyone EVER again, or get hurt.

Power to you, because you DESERVE to be able to be comfortable and HAPPY, to trust and be trusted, as well as CHERISHED!

Keep up the good work, and you did VERY WELL with what you posted! I couldn't have done as well.

Blessings of power and peace to you!
AKJ

 

[The Albatross]

Eve, this sounds eerily close to my first marriage, only he was physically violent and controlling as well. For me the "how I let it happen" was low sense of self worth and neediness (feeling that I wasn't able to handle life on my own and needed to be protected)... little did I know that that mental quirk led me in relatively short order to full blown emotional, physical and sexual abuse even some attempts on my life. BUT (big but) it seems that you, like I eventually did... reached a point in your sense of self worth where you began to question the relationship, balk at things you didn't want to do too. It took what it took to get me to that point, as it did or has for you gal.

To my ex, I was not a person but an object or a means to act out his aggression, sexual desires and he used to "keep me in my place" by controlling or trying to every thought, word or deed. Refusing therapy/counseling and trying to beat me into submission rather than give up this dysfunctional dynamic. I had to divorce and cut him loose.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. My snarky side after I hit post piped up with a lot of venom and said, "It is not HIS place to decide her "position" in life... she is to be a partner and so is he. If he's unable to be a partner and has to have his desires fed in ways that are harmful for his partner then he clearly doesn't need/deserve one."

No appeasement or unwanted sexual acts for this guy... let him use his hand and put your thinking cap on about how to initiate change or how to get out.

 

[Teasel]

I'm sorry he's treated you so badly and happy you've realised you deserve better.
He sounds awful