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- #13
NaeNae75
Platinum Member
I think we usually are too...thanks for saying.
He has also said similar things at different times. Sometimes he isolates during those moments, and other's it like now....being truly overwhelmed with the stress around him.
I found out a few other things that he has been dealing with this week that he didn't bother to share with me until yesterday. Under the circumstances, it makes perfect sense to me that he would retreat and need space and need to try to redevelop some sort of control. There are so many things going on that he can't control revolving around his son's living situation with his ex, that he is searching for anything he can "control". Unfortunately, our relationship is what will take the hit, because somewhere he knows he can "test it" and I generally won't waiver.
So, I told him that testing me isn't going to give him any more control over the other situation. He told me that I didn't do anything wrong, but he isn't happy, and I don't deserve to be with someone that wants to take so much time alone. I told him that I get to make my decisions about that. Eventually, he will settle down, and it will be okay....I'm sure, but it does hurt and I don't feel protected, lol.
I told him what would make me feel protected is to hear: "I'm going through a lot right now and I need space. I can't tell you how much, or how long it will take, but know I love you. It's up to you if you can handle the space or not, but be patient with me."
Boy....if I heard that, I would definitely feel a million times better about the situation because he would take ownership of the space and I wouldn't feel as though I did something wrong to cause it. It is a small difference, but would make all of the difference in the world to me.
I'm sorry you avoid relationships. You seem very aware of your situation. I also used to avoid them, or be involved in extremely abusive ones thanks to my own dealings with abuse and PTSD. Thankfully, a lifetime (40 + years) of dealing with PTSD in one form or another and 20 years of therapy have helped me a lot. In reality, learning with him and about him the last 6 years has helped me the most. Dealing with my father's abuse and PTSD was so different than him which made me realize mine was different too. There are soooooo many things that are the same, but also so many things that are different from one of us to another. I don't know why, but it made me feel safer and empowered. I guess he helped me realize not everyone with PTSD had to be violent.
My father was extremely violent suffering awful flashbacks from Vietnam. So very abusive, we were never safe in our own home. I always thought that when I was diagnosed, that eventually I would be doomed to be violent at some point as well too....and with some past boyfriends that were abusive to me, I was.
But once I was with him, I realized that didn't have to be the way and that I didn't have to be saddled with that type of lifestyle anymore. Granted, it's still a little askew and messed up, but this is pretty tolerable, even easy in comparison.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, that even though for the majority of my life I thought I was cursed by this PTSD thing, it isn't completely true. If you don't want a relationship, don't have one, but if you do.....don't let the PTSD hold you down. Keep getting the help you need, and with your insight, I think you would be just fine with the right person. There are a lot of us out there with thick skin, patience, and lots of love to share. Peace, love, and light is what I wish for you.
He has also said similar things at different times. Sometimes he isolates during those moments, and other's it like now....being truly overwhelmed with the stress around him.
I found out a few other things that he has been dealing with this week that he didn't bother to share with me until yesterday. Under the circumstances, it makes perfect sense to me that he would retreat and need space and need to try to redevelop some sort of control. There are so many things going on that he can't control revolving around his son's living situation with his ex, that he is searching for anything he can "control". Unfortunately, our relationship is what will take the hit, because somewhere he knows he can "test it" and I generally won't waiver.
So, I told him that testing me isn't going to give him any more control over the other situation. He told me that I didn't do anything wrong, but he isn't happy, and I don't deserve to be with someone that wants to take so much time alone. I told him that I get to make my decisions about that. Eventually, he will settle down, and it will be okay....I'm sure, but it does hurt and I don't feel protected, lol.
I told him what would make me feel protected is to hear: "I'm going through a lot right now and I need space. I can't tell you how much, or how long it will take, but know I love you. It's up to you if you can handle the space or not, but be patient with me."
Boy....if I heard that, I would definitely feel a million times better about the situation because he would take ownership of the space and I wouldn't feel as though I did something wrong to cause it. It is a small difference, but would make all of the difference in the world to me.
I'm sorry you avoid relationships. You seem very aware of your situation. I also used to avoid them, or be involved in extremely abusive ones thanks to my own dealings with abuse and PTSD. Thankfully, a lifetime (40 + years) of dealing with PTSD in one form or another and 20 years of therapy have helped me a lot. In reality, learning with him and about him the last 6 years has helped me the most. Dealing with my father's abuse and PTSD was so different than him which made me realize mine was different too. There are soooooo many things that are the same, but also so many things that are different from one of us to another. I don't know why, but it made me feel safer and empowered. I guess he helped me realize not everyone with PTSD had to be violent.
My father was extremely violent suffering awful flashbacks from Vietnam. So very abusive, we were never safe in our own home. I always thought that when I was diagnosed, that eventually I would be doomed to be violent at some point as well too....and with some past boyfriends that were abusive to me, I was.
But once I was with him, I realized that didn't have to be the way and that I didn't have to be saddled with that type of lifestyle anymore. Granted, it's still a little askew and messed up, but this is pretty tolerable, even easy in comparison.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, that even though for the majority of my life I thought I was cursed by this PTSD thing, it isn't completely true. If you don't want a relationship, don't have one, but if you do.....don't let the PTSD hold you down. Keep getting the help you need, and with your insight, I think you would be just fine with the right person. There are a lot of us out there with thick skin, patience, and lots of love to share. Peace, love, and light is what I wish for you.
