Relationship Realization Of My Failures...

[Deleted member 17302]

Friday afternoon, I did a stupid thing. The same stupid thing I haven't learned until today in what it really is and just have terrible it is.

I had been pretty great about not saying anything mean or terrible and only very loving and supportive to my current lady (ex I guess). She has PTSD and has done some bad things to cope and in general so it has been a rough 4 years with it. She bailed a lot without knowing what was going to happen. She lied, cheated, and didn't communicate very well.

HOWEVER...

Just because I didn't lie to her (except one time to save her life) and didn't cheat on her, THAT DOESN'T EXCUSE ME and what I have failed to do.

There are a lot of things that are bad to do in life and in relationships. Lying, cheating, stealing, etc. There are bad things that I didn't recognize I did chronically however that only fostered her bad behaviors to endure hidden in the shadows and cause issues all together.

I was not forgiving in a real way. Things that I forgave would still be used as weapons in arguments. WRONG to do as it only fostered her belief that she was not actually forgiven.

I was not patient when it was very much needed. At times I was able to be patient and that was good, but that was not the majority of times when it was needed. By this I mean, that if she did something that was highly offensive to me that I never wanted to persist and thought it would just persist, I would just say, "f*ck this, get the hell out and don't come back."

This was a massive detriment. It was hateful, not understanding, unforgiving, and only fostered the fear that if she did anything wrong, she couldn't come to me about it without thinking that it would get her kicked out of the relationship. This made her feel unsafe. It made her not be able to trust me in a way that she could be human and be forgiven and grow together from it. It made her feel lying was her only option of being safe in the relationship. She hid the fact she didn't take her meds or started smoking cigarettes again for over a year because she felt if she would tell me, she would be banished from our relationship instantly. I didn't give her a chance to be fallable or at least the perception that she couldn't. Of course there were many things that she did bogus that I didn't kick her out from but that didn't mean that perception and feeling wasn't there.

Instead of showing love, I showed hate during those times when I should have been loving, forgiving, and foster growth. I was afraid and that fear drove me to make her afraid.

Just because I didn't lie or cheat with her doesn't mean I was not without extreme blame. My correctness blinded me from my terrible faults.

In that situation, we were both humans with terrible faults. I was blind to them. If I was blind to them, then it is equally possible that she was blind to her own issues and unable to know what to to about them. I was a monster to judge her for her issues when I had my own that caused damage.

Sure, in some relationships what I did might never have come up or caused the same damage but IT DID cause that damage. Who am I to judge her when I am just as human? I am not worthy of such a task to judge her. All I did was make her PTSD worse by not being understanding that she is fallible just as I am but in different but equally damaging ways. She has her blame, I have my blame. False forgiveness is all I really had for her.

Just because I am great at much of the relationship DOES NOT MEAN I AM NOT ALSO horrifying at much of the relationship as well. To point fingers at her while I myself perpetrated such destruction is despicable behavior.

If things ever are to be patched up between us, I vow to try my damn best to never give hate where love and understanding and forgiveness should be used instead. I should not move forward with anger when I should be patient and loving instead.

I have my chance today to tell her these things. She said to call any time today. All she knows is that I said I NEED to tell her something and that it will be about 10 minutes long. I'll be telling her I love her and always have but know she said she has moved on and that I have a life I need to live as well. Then will tell her I'll be able to talk to her in about two weeks and then say goodbye and hang up.

I EXPECT NOTHING because I deserve nothing from what I have done. She cheated and lied, I was a bastard who didn't give her the love and patience and understanding required of a good partner. It isn't love to do what I have done. It was selfish and out of anger to threaten to cut her out and to say mean things when she had done something wrong.

The point of this post is to hopefully give at least insight to one person at some point in time so that they don't be a giant wanker like I had been and have more peace and love in their relationship than frustration and hate.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

MrS, that's incredible! What an insight! And you have the courage to accept some responsibility. I'm proud of you!

You just helped me ,btw. You gave me some insight as to how my husband might be feeling, because he's doing the same thing to me!

 

[scout86]

@mr_smith_v2 , I'd like to congratulate you on coming up with those insights. I think you're on to something,

I was not forgiving in a real way. Things that I forgave would still be used as weapons in arguments. WRONG to do as it only fostered her belief that she was not actually forgiven.

My own take on that is that you DIDN'T actually forgive her. If you had, you'd have let it go. You might have wanted to forgive, or thought you should, but if you couldn't put it behind you, you didn't forgive it. The way you put that kind of makes it sound like she misunderstood you when she believed she wasn't forgiven. I think she was correct in believing that.

Sure, in some relationships what I did might never have come up or caused the same damage but IT DID cause that damage.

You know, I suspect in ANY relationship, saying you'd forgiven something you couldn't forgive is going to cause a problems. As is bringing old stuff up for ever and ever in arguments. I've seen some "rules" about fighting fair and avoiding doing this is really high on most lists.

Instead of showing love, I showed hate during those times when I should have been loving, forgiving, and foster growth. I was afraid and that fear drove me to make her afraid.

Did you actually love her? Or did you love something she represented? I know you think you love her. That means accepting the person she actually is, appreciating her for who she is, and wanting her to be the best version of her real self she possibly can be. You can't fake that. It doesn't mean requiting her to meet your expectations. Loving someone is about them, not us.

I think you're being excessively hard on both of you with all the adjectives about awfulness. You are both human. You could have done some things better. Or maybe you couldn't. Maybe you both were doing the very best you knew how at the time and it was just a bad combination. It doesn't sound like either of you set out to hurt the other, but it sounds probably that each of you did hurt the other. Live and learn! But, sometimes, it really is a bridge too far. That well might be where you're at or where she's at anyway. I hope you can each accept the other's point of view, and can find a way to get on with your lives.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

I will try to put my new insights into practice here. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to practice.

My own take on that is that you DIDN'T actually forgive her. If you had, you'd have let it go. You might have wanted to forgive, or thought you should, but if you couldn't put it behind you, you didn't forgive it. The way you put that kind of makes it sound like she misunderstood you when she believed she wasn't forgiven. I think she was correct in believing that.

Forgiveness is a complicated subject and has many ways to look at it. I did believe I forgave her and many times I did forgive and forget and other times, I forgave and then brought it back as a weapon in arguments which was not true forgiveness as I know it now.

She didn't misunderstand me at all. My words and actions sometimes matched and other times definitely did not and it was right of her to watch those actions and words together. At times I was good and other times I failed miserably and thought I did good and did not. That is my problem and I made it her problem which is truly crappy. I did that in which I hate others doing. Not good thing at all.

You know, I suspect in ANY relationship, saying you'd forgiven something you couldn't forgive is going to cause a problems. As is bringing old stuff up for ever and ever in arguments. I've seen some "rules" about fighting fair and avoiding doing this is really high on most lists.

Rules and insight I learned all too late. I cannot right those wrongs other than telling her I now understand and plan to attempt to not repeat those actions. I'm not perfect and almost guarantee I will fail before I finally stop all together or get close to. These are habits I will hunt down and kill as much as I can in myself. Nobody should endure that in which I don't have to make them endure. Being human is hard and that isn't an excuse but understanding my own fallibility.

Did you actually love her?

I most certainly loved her and still love her. True love, not just the idea. She is human and fails just as I do. I love that she isn't perfect and love to grow with her as much as I can. We both stumble and we both helped each other get through those falls. She has her issues that at times makes that difficult and I was blind to those issues even though she tried communicating those issues even if poorly. My issue was not paying attention enough to try to understand better because of my haste and lack of patience. I do have patience but it is definitely a thorn in my side that is taking a lot of work to remove but I need to redouble my efforts lest it become someone elses problem that it doesn't need to be. My problem should not be her problem.

I think you're being excessively hard on both of you with all the adjectives about awfulness. You are both human. You could have done some things better. Or maybe you couldn't. Maybe you both were doing the very best you knew how at the time and it was just a bad combination. It doesn't sound like either of you set out to hurt the other, but it sounds probably that each of you did hurt the other. Live and learn! But, sometimes, it really is a bridge too far. That well might be where you're at or where she's at anyway. I hope you can each accept the other's point of view, and can find a way to get on with your lives.

Being hard on others is a form of the problems I have listed in my failures. Failure to be graceful, patient, and forgiving.

I can forgive her because if I couldn't see my huge failures in 30 years, how is she supposed to see hers instantly or in a month or even a year? My failures caused pain and that is something I must ingrain with a vengeance with myself. I must purge these things as fast as possible to reduce the possibility of doing it to anyone else, especially the woman I love deeper than I have ever thought love could be. She is in pain and torment from her condition and all I did was try to make myself feel better by making her feel bad about her misdeeds. I am human and get angry but I need to bind that anger and control it so that it doesn't harm her or others. How can I judge her for something she can't see if I have not been able to see my own failures more quickly when they were a permanent fixture in my toolbox of traits. I will forgive myself when I actually do the actions I need to do regardless of my intense intent to do those actions. Words mean nothing without the actions to back them up. I will give grace to others but for myself I need to be harsh because my core trait is being excessively stubborn and slow to learn and put things into action for myself. I must overpower my stubborn will with an even more stubborn will to oust these horrible traits lest they remain and cause further harm.

I took a while to process what you said because as usual, I hastily took offense to your post and knew that was wrong to do and that you meant better than my terrible first interpretation. My view of things is tinted by the poorly crafted lens of my perception that I now know needs rebuild from the ground up. My stubborn will is useful at times but other times the worst thing that I could possibly have.

Greatly appreciate the opportunity you have given me to test out my new skills and practice them even if clumsily as a toddler making their first attempts to walk. I am sure to fail and fall many times before I can be confident that I will not very often. We all trip, but usually very very little. Those trips however can cause massive damage and my goal is to purge these issues from my life and not harm others any further with them.

Feel free to further test me so that I can learn to walk better and eventually not trip at all. It is not to tempt you but to ask for help if you are willing and wanting to give it.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Mr S, when my husband brought up a fight that we'd had six years ago a few weeks ago in counseling, I realized that he had never forgiven me for anything, ever. I'm sad for him, because he carries this burden of hurt, but I'm also sad for me, because of he can't get past it, he can't be honest with me. :(

 

[Deleted member 17302]

For anyone that cares, this is my apology I am going to give her. Had to write it out so I didn't forget things. She deserves the best apology there is. I'm no saint and cannot judge without also being judged. Figure it might be useful to someone sometime. I'm no special snowflake and any time I can use my pain to prevent others, I am going to try to.

---

Patience - Instead of being patient, I did things that made you feel like you couldn’t be a human that could fail and be redeemed. This made it hard for you to tell the truth and in the end only destroyed our ability to communicate and grow together.

You always thought I was going to leave you when you did anything wrong and that was wrong of me to ever have you think by my crappy actions.

When you were angry I would ask you to leave the room or what not and when I was angry I didn't even follow my own advice. Instead I was just cold and sharp to you with my words.

Grace - Instead of being kind and understanding, I retaliated with things that were hurtful and only repaid pain and frustration with pain in frustration. This leading to a dark and unrelenting spiral towards failure and death of love. Instead I didn't show you grace that could have been used to heal the wounds and grow more love from it.

Forgiveness - I'd bring up old hurtful things when it wasn't needed at all instead of just forgiving in a true sense and leaving it in the past.

I would be quick to get angry with sharp words and actions instead of being understanding, loving, forgiving, and with grace.

This only left pain in the memory instead of love that would help us grow together with more love till we got old and gray.

I have it easy not lying and not cheating. However I was blind to not being patient, giving grace, and being truly forgiving.

I'm truly sorry for these things and not learning them until now. It took me 30 years to learn these lessons. How could I judge you for lessons you have a hard time with in just a few weeks, a month, or even a few years.

My place was to love you unconditionally and work TOGETHER instead of fighting for our own territory in the relationship. We should have fought together for our relationship instead of each other.

You had horrible things happen to you and I was not understanding at all in how you reacted to those things. I loved you dearly but didn't show it because I was blind to it. Being blind to it doesn't give me license to be that way to you.

You doing me wrong doesn't give me license to do you wrong and punish you.

My only place was to fight together for our relationship and to love you unconditionally through the hard times and enjoy the good times together. Even the hard times could have been enjoyable if I would have approached it correctly.

I loved you then and with an intensity you can only love your soul mate which you were. I still love you but you have moved on and now I am forced to move on as well.

In the next 2 weeks I will be very busy and not able to communicate. We can try to talk later when we both have some time about getting your things or whatever else you would like to talk about. I need to do some work on my life and on myself. Please have an enjoyable next couple weeks. Talk later.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Mr S, when my husband brought up a fight that we'd had six years ago a few weeks ago in counseling,...

Forgiveness is a huge and complicated concept. Love is as well. Love we think is feelings. It is much more. It is also about caring when you don't feel like you want to but know you should. Being human and being good at it is incredibly hard. We all have faults. He may have a hard time with forgiveness and you may have a hard time with something he doesn't have a hard time with. Life is crazy hard. Understanding that I have it easy on some fronts but others have it easy on fronts I don't, it makes it easier to truly forgive. If we cannot, then we must be judged equally harsh and that just doesn't get us anywhere when it comes to loving someone. The bible truly has a great passage about love being slow to anger and such. I have heard it many times but only now actually understand it deep in my soul. I'm a slow learner lol

 

[Tinyflame]

"Love is patient, love is kind..:" . Be kind & patient on yourself @mr_smith_v2 smith .

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Mr S, that was so beautiful, it made me cry...

 

[glass half full]

Forgiveness is a huge and complicated concept. Love is as well. Love we think is feelings. It is muc...

How did it go? What's happened since? I have to agree with others that you seem to be very hard on yourself- you have to forgive yourself for only being human before you can really forgive anyone else.
I learned in a previous relationship that its very difficult to really forgive someone for something that they continue to do. If your lover here continued to cheat on you, while you may have forgiven her for her past infidelity, the new one is not necessarily forgiven by forgiveness of the past incident. Each incident is a new wound to you, and hurts anew. I don't think it's realistic to expect that you would not be upset by each new betrayal.

As for anger- I am one of those people for whom hurt is first expressed as anger. I know this, but its an ingrained stimulus-response reaction. That's the way I'm wired. You may be wired that way too. If so, dont beat yourself up too much- it is what it is. I let my partners know this about me. Its one of the things that goes along with loving me, just as there are things about them that going along with loving them- like PTSD with my current love. I only really unloaded on him once, but he had it coming.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

How did it go? What's happened since?

Nothing good yet.

I have to agree with others that you seem to be very hard on yourself- you have to forgive yourself for only being human before you can really forgive anyone else.
I learned in a previous relationship that its very difficult to really forgive someone for something that they continue to do. If your lover here continued to cheat on you, while you may have forgiven her for her past infidelity, the new one is not necessarily forgiven by forgiveness of the past incident. Each incident is a new wound to you, and hurts anew. I don't think it's realistic to expect that you would not be upset by each new betrayal.

As for anger- I am one of those people for whom hurt is first expressed as anger. I know this, but its an ingrained stimulus-response reaction. That's the way I'm wired. You may be wired that way too. If so, dont beat yourself up too much- it is what it is. I let my partners know this about me. Its one of the things that goes along with loving me, just as there are things about them that going along with loving them- like PTSD with my current love. I only really unloaded on him once, but he had it coming.

Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I learned poor reaction behaviors from my parents fighting when I was young. I intend to be as centered as much as a human possibly can be so that my children are able to absorb those traits and not have to fight poorly ingrained behaviors like I have had to. I'm hard on myself when I have been doing something for so long that seemed to obvious to others and when I think back it should have been obvious to me as well. ~30 years to learn 3 traits.

 

[glass half full]

Nothing good yet.



Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I learned poor reaction behavi...

You gave me a big lift with your thoughts earlier in the week. I'm glad to be able to return the favor while not glad for the need of it.

I hear you about nuclear families. Mine put the fun in dysfunction. My dad had all the personality traits of an alcoholic, but doesn't drink and my mom is one if the great martyrs of our time- just ask her, she'll be happy to share :-). While I choose to laugh rather than cry, I have to say that contributed to who I am as a person and I'm ok with me. Usually.

As far as not seeing characteristics about yourself - you grasp that your love can't and won't see things about herself one minute before she's ready to do so. The same holds true for all of us. You simply weren't prepared by life to see those things about yourself. And then one day, for reasons too many to identify- you were ready. And it sounds like you have made a sincere effort to address them. That's all any of us can do. Its a human thing.