General Emotional Numbness

[Still_Loving_Him]

This is my first post and this is my first experience on this site.

My husband was diagnosed with PTSD in 2009. He suffered a medical emergency in 2002 (non-combat related) in which he almost died. We've been together for almost 15 years, and married for 10 years. He recently told me he wants to separate. He said he can't feel, and he's emotionally numb. He says he is unhappy and doesn't know why, and that he can see that I'm unhappy. In reality, I'm overwhelmed with the supporter role and have been experiencing a constant state of stress for years. I recognize that I need to seek help myself and I have an appointment. Right now I'm away for work, so this is really taking its toll on me while I'm away for a few weeks, and trying to sort this out in my head. His father passed away a year ago, and I can see that grief is still heavy on his mind and heart. I don't know how to support that, or what to say. It hasn't helped with his PTSD related depression. He says I need to focus on myself. What I don't understand is why we can't figure it out together. When I ask about the future, he says he doesn't know, and that "We shall see". When I bring up the happiness we've had over the years, he says "That was a long time ago." I love him with all my heart, and all that I am. I am refocusing on me now and working on getting myself better, but will he ever come back? If he doesn't seek help, have I lost him forever!!! I know he loves me, I know he does. I know he can't show it, but that doesn't mean I can't feel it.

 

[Seasounds]

What a challenging situation you are working through!

I agree with you, in that you husband has multiple experiences (his past medical near death situation and his father's death), that may be compounding his PTSD-- they can be experienced as additional traumas.

I say the below with caution:
Being realistic, with PTSD being aggravated, many people isolate, end relationships, get more depressed and sometimes begin to contemplate suicide. Your husband may or may not conscious have access to his motivations. And he may just find his situation overwhelming; anyone who wants him to change, may irritate him.

What would I do? I would put the focus on what I can change, myself. I would start seeing a therapist (who has experience with PTSD). Additionally, I would attend Alanon groups, since they offer additional support, to people whose relationships are strained. I would not be demanding of your husband. And from what I've read from recent suicide-prevention I would simply, briefly, let your husband know that you care,

 

[Still_Loving_Him]

Thank you for your response. Yes the only thing I can do is focus on me. I believe that's what his intention was. He's seen me suffer with the care giver symptoms. I believe he blames himself. He's confused, still says he doesn't feel anything. I can't push him, I'm not going to. I'm sad to see my whole life turned upside down when all I did was love him for 15 years. But that's life right.

 

[spmitchell3]

I feel your pain. I'm in the same position. My wife was just diagnosed with PTSD in May. This is something she's actually had for years but no other therapist caught on to what the real problem was. They just said she suffered from depression and prescribed medication. She's told me several times that she feels no love for me...as you know, that's very distressing for a supporter. But, thanks to this site, I've found that it isn't uncommon for people with PTSD to have little to no feelings about anything. My wife is going through EMDR therapy, which is supposed to be very effective. Unfortunately, the therapist is taking her time with it. Because my wife experienced so many traumatic events in her life (mentally abusive father, parents that fought frequently, her father's eventual suicide, abusive boyfriends (one of whom raped her)..the therapist is building her up. She's had six sessions so far and they've only focused on events at work she finds distressing. It's been hard on me because I'm hearing many of the same things you are. The therapist I'm seeing has said he thinks she won't ever leave because people with PTSD (and females in general) want stability. If she were to end the marriage, she wouldn't have that stability any longer. But, while I love her very much, I'm not sure I can stay in a marriage where there's no affection and no intimacy. Is your husband receiving EMDR therapy?

 

[PTSD Punchbag]

My girlfriend has a similar background to your wife. The number of traumas & especially prolonged episodes of feeling trapped & helpless (such as in a Domestic Violence scenario) could cause Complex-PTSD.

PTSD is generally treated with forms of exposure therapy, such as EMDR.
People with complex trauma need to develop coping mechanisms before being re-exposed. My partner received EMDR Therapy, without successfully developing these first. The EMDR lifted the lid on Pandora's Box. She went from ' feeling a bit depressed' about the past to being a fully blown Complex-PTSD sufferer overnight - shut-outs, explosive anger, disconnection, detachment & emotional numbness the full works !

She changed overnight, it's like she was 'taken by the dark side of the force' that day.
I still see the good in her now & then, but it caused more harm than good in our experience.
I think they underestimated the complexity of her history.

 

[GrapplingGrief]

My girlfriend has a similar background to your wife. The number of traumas & especially prolonged...

My partner telling me what happened to her also opened Pandora's box and basically destroyed our relationship :( She described her past therapist as having pushed too hard to soon. I can't remember the timeline accurately enough to know if she said this before telling me or afterwards. Either way, she is still reeling from telling me things. I hope she finalized the divorce to that monster (you have to be separated a year in canada) but I have no idea.