Never The Same Again

[mila]

Hi. I'm Ali. I have PTSD. I thought maybe I "recovered", but maybe that never happens. Long story short... My brother-in-law shot himself in the head when I was about two feet away from him. I tried to take the gun out of his hand, and ... failed. I have so much guilt about what I could have should have done to stop him. I know, I know, it's not my fault, blah blah blah. I could have been killed myself (I was at a bad angle). yadah yadah yadah.... But I still can't stop thinking about the something I should have said/done to stop him. I think about it all the time. I've been to therapy take meds... It will never go away. He left my sister and two beautiful little girls. I hate him for what he did to us. Maybe seeing what other people have to deal with and talking to people who have the same "issues" will help me. No one else really gets it. Why can't I cry anymore? I think sometimes I would feel better if I could just cry.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Welcome to the forum...I am sorry that you had to witness what you did.

 

[Robyn]

Hi Ali,

I am so sorry for the pain you, your sister, and those little girls must be experiencing. Welcome.

But I still can't stop thinking about the something I should have said/done to stop him. I think about it all the time.

The feeling I got when I read your post was that there was very little anyone could have done. It didn't appear that there was any hesitation or second thoughts at all. His mind was made up and he'd already isolated himself, mentally and emotionally, from any outside interference.

He left my sister and two beautiful little girls.

Yes he did. He should be ashamed of himself. HOW DARE HE?!?! With blatant disregard for all those that loved him, he took his own life. A highly selfish and self-centered act that laid to waste all the emotional investment the people around him given to him. You should be angry at him. He was the embodiment of the ultimate ego trip. Get angry, get loud, get hateful. He deserves it. Nothing should have come between his family and him...most certainly not a bullet.

Why can't I cry anymore? I think sometimes I would feel better if I could just cry.

Anger may play a big role in that. You have to release that to make room for other emotions to move in. I'm sure that you have internalized a lot of it to be there for your sister and the girls. You and your sister need to take some time away from the girls to release the adult emotions. It will help you both deal so you can better work through this with the children.

God be with you and your family,

Hugs
Robyn

 

[TLight]

amorrison;
Welcome and you have witnessed a horrible atrocity that was in no way your fault. The memory will, unfortuanately, always be there........but I believe with a lot of emotional acknowledgement, release, and compassion for our own pain...........the memory can just become one where we eventually have it pop into our head and the accompanying emotion is just momentary sadness and it is not 'all consuming'.........

Good luck and I hope my words may have helped a bit.

 

[Kunoichi]

Welcome to the forum

I'm sorry too that you had to witness that. My sister boyfriend also killed himself and I was unable to stop him. I suffered guilt as well, so I understand. Its never a matter of logic I think, but feelings and that's always hard.

You will find great support on this site and ask any question or talk about anything as long as your comfortable

 

[midi]

Welcome! Survivor's guilt is dreadful, but you can work through it. You've come to the right place! There is so much wisdom to be found in this forum and so many helpful people!

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear amorrison,

Welcome to the forum.
I am so sorry for what you have gone through. You are definitely "most normal" in describing how you feel, especially the anger.

I too have much survivor's gulit and know how that eats away at me.

I hope this is ok to say this- I don't mean it as anything but in agreement with what you are feeling:

As a person who has been suicidal at times in my life, I know that it is terribly misunderstood. I heard it once described as like "being on fire and throwing yourself in desperation out of a window to try to stop it"- to me, for myself that is a very accurate description at those times. It is really a "sickness" more than any willful choice. The "suicide" takes a person out of their life more than the person "rationally chooses" to do such a thing in most cases. It in NO WAY, SHAPE or FORM justifies it, especially the pain it leaves loved ones, family and friends, just as you have described. IT is VERY ok to be angry.

There are many great threads on this topic, incuding support for family and friends -(there's a "search" key in upper right corner).
.
I am very glad anyway that you found this Forum, though I wish you didn't/haven't had to go through what you are going through to get here.

I hope you find much understanding, information and support, and wish you peace and healing along each step of the way.
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Darkhorse]

Welcome amorrison

I have been through the same questions, or whys, hows, what if's, forever going round and round on my mind.

And the guilt, man that was tough too.

The only way im getting through it, is by talking it through, reasurring myself i couldnt have made a differance, and accepting that i cannot and could not change a thing.

It takes time, and im still walking a similiar path, but i would say acceptance and talking it through are the keys to letting go.

Welcome to the forum and i hope you find the help and support you need, im fairly new and find here is a great bunch of people.

 

[mila]

Thank you all. It is really a great relief to be able to vent about this stuff. I didn't really know who to talk to. No one can relate. I can't even talk to my husband, my best friend for 20 years. I don't want to hurt him with my hurt. And I sometimes feel like nobody really wants to hear it. I walk around like I'm OK, but I know I'm not. I feel so broken. Then I feel guilty about feeling ths way when my experience was nothing compared to that of my sister and her kids. They loved him and miss him. After I posted my intro and read your responses. I cried. Finally. It felt good to let it out. I felt it building and building and it just wouldn't come. I thought it was my meds. Again, thank you all.

 

[cragger65]

What you have been through is a highly traumatic event, and I don't think any of the emotions you describe could be termed anything but normal reactions. I think you will find that talking about it directly will slowly begin to stop it from occupying such a central, dominant place in your mind. It will always be there, but not as intensely disturbing. This is what I know is possible, this is what I wish for you.

 

[Deleted member 1606]

I'm sorry to hear about this. It's tough. I know what it feels like to not be able to cry.

I think you'll find a lot of support here. Take care.

 

[jeapea]

Again, welcome to the forum.

I've been told, and I agree, that what you witnessed was the most selfish act a human being can perform. While their (his) troubles may be over, everyone else's have just begun. That was SO unfair to you all. I'm glad you're here.

I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my own mind from time to time... but what that would do to the people I love is something I cannot accept nor justify. Whether they love me or not, I DO love them enough to have not followed through with it.