Relationship Isolation Vs. Breaking-up - What Are Your Experiences?

[Catlady]

I was wondering about your personal experiences with your partners going into isolation, or the whole breaking-up/getting back together cycle. I understand that for some this can be a process that spans years, some get left "behind" for weeks to months.

Personally, I'm in a "I love you, but I can't be with you" scenario which unfortunately leaves me hopeful deep inside, thinking that I give them time and space, they eventually can be approached again while I focus, empower and better myself. How have others dealt when things were... seemingly doomed?

I am not expecting anything, but my nature is to fight hard for what you believe in and I believe in this relationship and will not forgive myself if I give up without trying. If I try and fail, then at least I will know that I did what I could.

If ties were cut off completely it would have been a different scenario, but I am going to see this person on a daily basis no matter whether we are in an intimate relationship or not. Any advice how to handle that would be appreciated...

 

[Sweetpea76]

Isolation and breaking up are two different things in my experience. My vet is an isolator, but he has never said he wanted to break up or couldn't be with me. If he did, I'd take it at face value. That seems different than just needing a little space.

I think there are a lot of factors that figure into these situations though, so it is hard to say.

 

[Catlady]

Isolation and breaking up are two different things in my experience. My vet is an isolator, but he ha...

I agree, they most certainly are different.

My vet has limited experience in relationships since being diagnosed. I am very patient and supportive, although he does not perceive it as such. In my opinion he is not even fully embracing dealing with it and simply leaves it at "this is how messed up I am, it's not going to work because of that". Perhaps he is not ready for a fully committed relationship, even though he thinks he wants/needs that. I am aware of that. My main problem is that I am convinced that I am not ready to give up on this relationship yet and I know it's in the end not my choice, but while coming to terms with things, I want to find out more about these type of situations.

 

[Casey_03]

If I may ask, are you seeing this person on a daily basis merely as friends, or is he sort of stringing you along while at the same time saying he can't be with you? What are the current dynamics? I think it makes a difference.

 

[Catlady]

If I may ask, are you seeing this person on a daily basis merely as friends, or is he sort of stringing...

We live together. Our lease ends in August so the arrangement is to share household while staying civil to make ends meet, respect each others boundaries etc.

In normal "break-up" circumstances a clean break would be to move out an move on, but because that was not even suggested as an option (also covering the whole rent is not affordable to none of us), it comes across as "hopeful" in my ears, hence the confusion.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

I've been in a cycle like this for years now. Often when the stressful months and anniversary dates are present. Currently at that point. The thing is you really never know what is going to happen but there is a higher chance of things being PTSD related when you see the behavior not normal to their normal behavior. For instance, when my lady does this she says things that just don't make sense to say and does things that just don't make sense to do. Sometimes they will even say they have moved on and with someone else and block your number and you on facebook while in these alternative PTSD episode mindsets. Also when I get text messages when she is normal she rarely has typos and she uses good punctuation. When in her PTSD episodes she has a ton of typos and the punctuation is just wacked out. She also says things that aren't part of her normal beliefs. For instance she says she never wants kids, pets, or marriage ever again when she is in an episode but when she is feeling normal she wants kids, pets, and marriage. Still though, can't ever assume that just because it is a PTSD episode behavior that things will return back to normal ever. Just have to live life normal as possible and if you want to move on then do so and if you don't feel like you want to start any new relationships then don't. Many people after a breakup will just not date anyone new for quite a while while others will almost immediately. Really your choice.

 

[glass half full]

We live together. Our lease ends in August so the arrangement is to share household while staying civil...

Well, for what its worth I can't imagine how continuing to live together is consustent with having broken up, but of course everyone's outlook is different.

As to withdrawing v. breaking it off- in my experience there's a difference. My vet is currently working overseas and that probably is a huge factor in why I see a difference. He broke it off with me via email. I had no idea it was coming and was devastated. Our Skype visits ceased, but emails continued. After I got over the initial shock it seemed that his reasons for wanting to end our relationship were false and I told him so and why I thought they were false. He never argued the point with me and the emails continued, eventually becoming more flirty, fun and ok, increasingly suggestive. It seemed pretty clear to me we were headed back to where we'd been before he broke it off, and I was very comfortable moving very slowly in that direction for both our sakes. Shortly after he suggested resuming skyping he went dark- again, or call it withdrawing, same thing. This is the fourth time he's gone dark in eight months and right now its been five weeks with only one brief email. Some days, yep I'm sure its over, or should be- but overall, I dont think that's the case.

I see a difference because he clearly knew how to end the relationship/break it off, even though he didn't really follow through on it. Even though he's gone dark several times he's never again said that he wants to end the relationship. When he withdraws its abrupt- I dont know its coming. When he comes back he just picks up the week old or two week old conversational string like there's been no interruption.

I know some of what his current work and living situation entails- although he's made light of it. There's plenty there to trigger him, so that's another reason why I dont see withdrawal as breaking it off. My situation is very different from yours, but there may be some useful info.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Well, for what its worth I can't imagine how continuing to live together is consustent with havi...

I'm responding to you even if that is cross talk. I hope your situation works out. Seems like he just loves you a great deal and wants the best for you and at times finds the strength to let you go but in the big picture wants to keep you and your words of encouragement have given him the will to continue and know that you aren't going anywhere. Any time I see a couple that is in love and can make it, it makes me very happy. Hope things work out. ...and now I'm crying...Have a good one.

 

[glass half full]

I'm responding to you even if that is cross talk. I hope your situation works out. Seems like he jus...

Mr Smith- cross talk or not, well I hope to be forgiven for the breach of etiquette :-). Thank you so much for your thoughts. I really appreciate it!

I don't want to be let go and think he's finally starting to accept that- I hope! He has told me that I make him feel safe and that means a lot to me, especially as I have learned more. Its been hard to go five weeks with only one email, but I suspect that one email took quite a bit of effort on his part and it has given me some needed reassurance. His contract is up in June- so we'll see what happens.

Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and good wishes! We need all the help we can get.

 

[Casey_03]

@Catlady I'm not sure there is any way to handle this situation properly, because if you guys are living together, you're going to have hope no matter what. The only solution would be not living together, but it seems to be too late for that. I'm not sure how long you guys were together or what signals he's giving you now, but in my experience, if someone says they can't be in a relationship with you, even if they keep coming back, it usually doesn't end well. There is a reason they give you that "I can't be with you" disclaimer, and if they give you that speech and then come back to you, sure, it might seem like great news at the time and give you hope that everything will work out, but on some level it also means they want to get certain perks from you without having to actually make a real commitment. (I use "you" here generally, I'm not implying this is what your guy is doing, just what seems to often happen in similar situations). I've been in relationships like this numerous times and always stupidly held out hope, and sure, the guy would come back and for a while I'd think everything was resolved, but ultimately I realized that the dreaded "i can't be in a relationship with you" line needs to be taken seriously. Unless, of course, the person says it and then his actions follow accordingly, and he spends some time sorting his head out AND THEN comes back. But if someone says that and then continues to string you along, it seems pretty doomed anyway.

 

[Milo's papa]

@Catlady, I wish you the best but you must prepare yourself for the worst. If someone told me "they can't be in a relationship with with me" I'd be very protective of my heart around them.

When my wife first started in therapy and her trauma memories started coming back she would tell me "I shouldn't be in a relationship with her. That I should divorce her and go find someone worthy of me".

Unless I'm reading your post wrong that's a totally different thing than what your hearing. Thats why i say i'd be careful.

 

[Olivia2016]

Very helpful discussion. My husband just moved out saying that I should not waste my life waiting for him to recover, that I should take care of myself and move on and not wait for him. The conversation about his need to live alone and to "figure things out" started a couple of months before, and, at the therapist appointment, the move sounded like something temporary and not radical, but now he took all his stuff with him and is even hinting at the need to divorce. I am very confused, because it is difficult to separate the sickness talk from the person expressing their true wishes. Everything was fine before PTSD came out, we had a very good marriage. I am completely confused: he said he did not end the marriage, just wanted some time alone at the therapist, but now has been acting like this is final and I should be moving on. Does he really try to not waste my life on waiting for his recovery, or is he using this as an excuse to break up with me? I love him and want to wait (right now he can't have normal interactions and can;t even have anyone closer than 2 yards from him), but I am afraid to be hurt even more at the end of he feels better but still does not want me. He says that he really needs to focus on himself to recover and is unable to engage in any relationship right now, never told me that I am not good for him or anything like that, just that I should not waste my life. This is a mix similar to Milo's papa experience and Catlady's. I wish I knew what to expect and how to act. I don;t feel like moving on or dating now, but it would help me to either wait (if this is PTSD speaking) or to move on (if this is the true wish), but I am unable to figure this out. He does not communicate, does not want to meet, sometimes does not answer the phone calls, but he doe this to others too, his children for example. I am very confused.