Sexual Assault Scared To Deal With My Sexual Abuse

[Meh]

So, I was repeatedly sexually abused for 4 years starting when I was 17 by my boyfriend at the time. He started off ok, but by the times things got so bad he had full control over me, forced me to take drugs and forced me into so many different sexual situations that I was not comfortable with at all. He and his friend had sex with me, as I was doing his friend a favour since his wife left him and he hadn't had sex in a long time. I didn't have a choice though.
He threatened to leave me if I didn't have threesomes (and was cheating on me separately with all the other girls anyway). He used to secretly video tape us having sex then show his friends. Oh, and he used to rape me, I suppose, as I would say no, or to stop but he kept going and made me lay on my front so he couldn't see me crying. I guess I could have tried harder to kick him off but I'm really small and he was huge. He always had somtiing hanging over my head with emotional blackmail and I was just stuck there. And to make matters worse, he was actually my tutor so was in a total position of power and was someone I trusted. He saw me as a perfect target I'm sure. I do appreciate the bad bad bad decision I made by even dating him in the first place and I feel so guilty and like I ruined my life and wasted the times in my life where I was supposed to be having fun with friends! Now I feel I've ruined my husbands life too as he has to deal with it, although i did tell him parts before we were married so it's not like I withheld the information.

I'm now 30 and have only been diagnosed with PTSD, although im sure have had it for years longer. haven't told anyone the gory details of the stories as nobody would understand and I'm worried about judgement. My family would be absolutely horrified and I'm not that close with them anyway and can't tell them.

Through therapy I'm starting to tell some friends bits and pieces but I'm just watching myself from afar going through it. I'm not really there. My therapist said, over time I wil start to break down the barriers but she can see I've been so strong for so long and have learnt really "good" ways to get along in society but these are not healthy.

I'm scared that when I finally do let down my barriers, which I'm trying to do, at least in therapy, that I'll end up just crying all the time or flying off the handle at everyone, or not being able to go to work, or care for our little boy!

So my questions I'm
Hoping I might get some help with are:
What is it like when you start dealing with the trauma properly? What happens when you start feeling stuff again (I'm completely numb most of the time?) Is there a period where you turn into a complete head case? I'm scared to take the plunge!! But knowing what may happen can give me opportunity to prepare as I need to take the plunge!

Thanks so much! I would appreciate any advice. So glad to be able to write openly for once as you can tell by my seriously long thread - I've been holding a lot in. Thank you.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Welcome to the forum @Meh

Go slow with a good therapist. It could be there are things long before you met the creep you were with.
Is there a reason you are not so close with your family?
No one needs to know unless you want them to and feel safe with them.
I don't know about a "right" way to do therapy, I guess it varie with each person. I was a nut case without doing the work so being a little nutty sometimes is not a stretch for me.

 

[RussH]

I am sorry for what you have been through. People can be very demeaning and cruel.

Dealing with trauma is hard, and it can be painful. There will be times where you will ask if it is worth it.

I liken it to surgery. It is painful, and the recovery period seems to be long. However the surgery corrects a medical problem, and when you heal from your surgery you feel healthier than you have in a long time

The same is true for trauma therapy. It is a necessary, painful experience, but it will eventually help you feel mentally, emotionally healthier than you have in a long time

 

[Meh]

Thanks for that. I like the advice of going slow. It's not something that comes naturally to me! Will try though.

Yes, my mother and I clashed an excessive amount when I was younger - my therapist has already flagged this as an area we need to go through.

Haha ok well that also makes me feel a bit better. I'm constantly nutty so suppose it will just have to get worse before it gets better. Thanks for your response. It's nice to feel understood for once!

Welcome to the forum @Meh

Go slow with a good therapist. It could be th...

eah

 

[Meh]

Thanks for your response.

Looks like I have my work cut out for me. I know I need to "let go" but who knows what the outcome will be. Just don't want to be a blithering mess all the time as I think people would start to notice!!

Thanks again.

I am sorry for what you have been through. People can be very demeaning and cruel.

Dealing with trauma i...

hanks

 

[RavenGirl]

It's hard to say how things will go for you Everyone takes things differently. I was able to go through therapy and continue to work full time, only missing 2 days of work due to the trauma therapy process. I didn't cry constantly, but I've cried more in the last 10 months than the last 35 years combined! I didn't know I has that many feelings as I had buried them so deeply. It does get worse before it gets better but it's SO WORTH IT!! I'm glad I've finally faced the demons and gotten the poison out of my life.

I wish you nothing but the best as you move forward. Welcome to the forums and I hope you find the information and the people as helpful as I have on your road to recovery. Raven ;):tup::happy:

 

[Meh]

It's hard to say how things will go for you Everyone takes things differently. I was able to go throu...

Thanks RavenGirl. It sounds like you were similar to me with bottling up feelings and not being in tune with them. I don't even know what it's like to feel things at the moment. I know there's a lot there. Might have to be prepared for some tears. Uh oh! Thanks for your response. It was really helpful.

 

[RavenGirl]

Might have to be prepared for some tears. Uh oh!

I think if you are lucky the tears will flow. To me I had the walls up so high for so long that I would put sensitive things behind the wall so I didn't have to "feel". Sometimes now when people say or do something and it hurts me, I cry... At that time I sometimes wish I still had my wall as I'm not used to being vulnerable or letting others KNOW I'm vulnerable. But I wouldn't change things back for anything. I'm glad I went through therapy and that I'm healing and feeling so much better.

I will be cheering for you the whole way and if you want to PM me you can and I'll answer the best I can. Support from wherever you can get it helps immensely! You are worth it, you are awesome, you deserve to heal, you deserve to be happy. :happy:;):hug:'s Raven

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Meh( love that name), I find that in EMDR therapy, as a traumatic memory is dealt with, so are the emotions attached to that memory. Sort of like letting the steam escape from a boiling-over pot. It feels like more of relief than anything else. I would suggest though, that if you do EMDR, you choose a therapist that's been trained in it.

I'm glad that we can help you along your healing journey. :hug: if you accept.

 

[Meh]

I think if you are lucky the tears will flow. To me I had the walls up so high for so long that I wou...

Hi Raven,
Yes I had a major breakdown last night (first one in over a year) just too many thoughts. Back to my numb self today though. My husband said its good to let it out and says he knows I'm so constrained all the time and it isn't good for me. I think the therapy is helping me get in touch with my emotions but I feel like I need to be there everyday!

I think you're right, feeling vunerable but actually FEELING is much better than being numb.

Thanks for your offer to PM - I might just take you up on it! And thanks for your response :)

 

[Meh]

Meh( love that name), I find that in EMDR therapy, as a traumatic memory is dealt with, so are the e...

Haha the name sums it up about right, at the moment. I think your name is great too!

My therapist has been trained in EMDR but she says I'm not ready for it yet. I struggle to get the words out and haven't even started touching on the details of the abuse in sessions yet. I just close up and make a silly joke (deflection!!) Getting better at it and starting to share with a few trusted friends that I have PTSD. They have all been supportive.

Is EMDR hard? Any suggestions on what I should expect?

Thanks again for your advice :)

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I wonder what you have to do to get ready for it. We just jumped in. I would say it was hard, but no worse than talking about it. For me, I thinkiI bring back mostly imagery that I associate with a trauma. Your therapist will teach you some coping strategies, and will tell you not to push yourself. If you need to stop (I haven't yet) them you can stop. It's really a good therapy.