How Do You Trust Your Abuser?

[Notsowild]

Finally finished with my Human Rights case. My company and I settled before it went to the hearing. I got what I wanted especially clearing my work record.

Anyways part of what the company wrote was starting over with trust, cooperation and mutual respect. TRUST... How do I trust my manager who was verbally abusive to me. I'm having a really hard time with this. She tries to be friendly but it still seems so phoney.

I don't know how to get past this. How do I trust her now? Thanks everyone

 

[UnKnown-Self]

You don't trust Ever when someone has shown you what they are capable of. You do act with professionalism and courtesy and that goes for everyone at the work place. Do Not discuss her or the incident with coworkers no matter how friendly they have been in the past. A real friend will understand and respect you for it.
Personally I would start looking for another position. You don't have to grab the first thing but look. It sucks to work at a place where there is no trust. For me it was like being back with my abusive family.
Your manager is not in a good place with her superiors either. So keep busy and stay focused on your work
You don't have to be paranoid or a downer just be cordial. Good luck!

 

[Fadeaway]

You don't.

 

[Sideways]

This may not help, but one of the ways that I manage to interact with people who have been abusive is to trust them to continue being exactly who they are. My sister and I can have a coffee, and I can trust her to make it about 5-10 minutes before the passive aggression will start. I know that's what she's like, I know the initial few minutes are warm up, so when it happens, it's like "oh yeah, there she is, being exactly the same person as always".

With a work colleague it's much the same. You can trust them to keep being exactly the same person under the facade. So you work with the facade version, knowing it's BS, and if the facade ever drops, yep, they she is, the same old b!tch as always.

You don't need to like a person in order to trust them to be themselves. If you know the facade is BS, work with the facade trusting that the person underneath hasn't changed. It helps protect you from becoming emotionally invested in the relationship, and it can also make it easier to "meh, there it is again" if the abusiveness starts up again...

Or, you decide to screw the whole "trust, peace and mung beans" BS settlement agreement and start looking for a job elsewhere now that you've got the validation of a settlement cheque from them:)

 

[Ronin]

How do I trust her now?

You don't. But that doesn't limit all the other interaction. How you act and react isn't dependent on trust.

Edited to add: Basically it doesn't depend on if you trust her or not, your continued working there or not. That decision is something else, weight pros & cons of the situation and decide how standable the new situation is for you or not, it doesn't depend on one person or a relationship to one person, in whichever position they are to you.

That decision is still something that's yours to make, what they bring into the relationship is less important than what you want to do with that.

 

[Notsowild]

Personally I would start looking for another position. You don't have to grab the first thing but look. It sucks to work at a place where there is no trust. For me it was like being back with my abusive family.

I also asked for a reference letter ( just in case ) so I will be looking for another job. Yes my boss reminds me of my abusive ex. She'll be abusive one day and then the next she'll bring in chocolates.

You don't.

Don't ever trust???

With a work colleague it's much the same. You can trust them to keep being exactly the same person under the facade. So you work with the facade version, knowing it's BS, and if the facade ever drops, yep, they she is, the same old b!tch as always.

You don't need to like a person in order to trust them to be themselves. If you know the facade is BS, work with the facade trusting that the person underneath hasn't changed. It helps protect you from becoming emotionally invested in the relationship, and it can also make it easier to "meh, there it is again" if the abusiveness starts up again...

I'm sure she is in big trouble with the company. So she has to be nice to me now. But I'm sure she hates me as much as I do her. Cross my fingers maybe she'll be gone soon.

New Link Removed You don't. But that doesn't limit all the other interaction. How you act and react isn't dependent on trust.

That's so true. I'm just not that good at playing the game.

 

[Sideways]

Well sh!t, getting a settlement cheque AND watching her get the boot - that may well be worth sticking around for!

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Be careful about looking too soon and there is no way I would use her letter of recommendation. That actually invites prospective employers to call her. You don't want "She will file a court case" mentioned. They will usually ask if they can call your current manager and you can say no. Sometimes people just don't click well. I would not go into detail though. Focus on your skills and what you bring to the table.
More likely something good will come out of it all.

 

[Friday]

My exHusband tried to kill me 3 times. He's drugged me, raped me, beaten the crap out of me. He's done worse to my son. Pick your abuse and he's on it like white on rice. He's lied in every area of his life (personally, professionally, under oath, oathbreaking). He's stolen from his children, his wives, his family (that he's not responsible for, as opposed to kids & "partners"), his friends, colleagues, employers, & the govt. List goes on*.

((Absolutely no one tell me they're sorry, please. ^^^^ Is illustrating a point & I need the icky-list.))

Do I trust my exHusband?

Hell, yes.

In fact, I trust him more than I will ever trust most people.

WTF???

Think about it for a moment. I have more information about him & what to expect than I will about nearly anyone else on the planet.

I trust him to take every available/convenient opportunity to hurt me. I trust him to lie not only to me, but to every single person & entity in his life. I trust him to steal from those he's responsible for, as well as his peers, and his superiors. List goes on.

Just like selfish isn't always bad, trust isn't always good.

Can you trust your verbally abusive manager? Sure. You have information on her. You can trust her to be verbally abusive. You can trust her to "make nice" when told to by her bosses in order to keep her job.

I'm sure you have lots of other areas of information you can look at to see where you trust her.

Some might be positive (like you can trust her to be punctual, or trust her sign your paycheck, or get repair orders in, or, or, or...). Some may be neutral. A whole lot will be negative.

If you can look at your boss as a complete person? Yes, you trust her to be an abusive bitch (negative). Yes, you also trust her to drive on the right side of the road (neutral). Yes, you also trust her to _______. What I've found in my own life is

- that I'm far less likely to be taken advantage of
- that I'm far less likely to doubt my own judgement or blame myself (like maybe she's a really nice person, I'm the bitch... Because she's making nice, while I'm pissed off so maybe it's my fault....NOPE! Abusive people can be friendly, and good people can be pissed off).
- that I'm far more likely to trust-trust (the good kind) people who deserve it, because I'm exercising trust in many different ways, instead of black&white trust vs no trust ways).

***

Just a note on the bolded part above... I get the feeling you "trust" (trust-trust) your company at some kind of gut level. Only because you're taking buzz words as edict (thou shalt trust, respect, blah blah blah moving forwards blah blah blah), and taking them really personally. I doubt in the extreme that your company &/or the higher ups & anyone else expects you to *actually* trust-trust your abusive boss. Much less expects you to expect it of yourself because they say so. I could be wrong (in thinking you trust your company, or feel compelled to do as they say because you trust them). Often am. It's just a feeling I'm getting.

 

[Rumors]

@Fridayjones
Sorry but your post feels very delusional. "Trust" is not the same as "knowing what to expect." Your husband is a psychopath and does not deserve trust. Knowing that he is capable of those horrid things and staying away from him would be more along the lines of trusting yourself to make good choices and have good boundaries.
@Notsowild
Be professional and courteous but that doesn't mean you trust anyone...... Good luck!

 

[Ronin]

Your husband is a psychopath and does not deserve trust.

Rumors, Friday was talking about trust as in knowing a person well enough, and being able to trust their reactions, and own, based on that knowledge, so there's a lot to work with, just explore that.

Calling that perspective delusional is out of line, and missing the point of what was Friday saying.

 

[Rumors]

@Cashew
Once again, my opinion is that is FEELS very delusional. I am entitled to an opinion. Saying you trust someone who beats you up doesn't sound like it is a good idea in my opinion. Saying you know what to expect is different.