Relationship Advice Please...

[Gator92]

Hi there

I am new to this forum and would love some advice.....

Mt partner I feel is struggling with PTSD. She was not in the military but due to a very tramatic experience that happened almost 3 years ago, she is just now coming to terms with what happened and struggling with the trauma of it. I am to blame for the trauma but we never really dealt with it. She never dealt with the pain, the hurt, the betrayal and tried to move on. Recently, its all coming back and she can't cant past it....My therapist is the one that suggested she may have PTSD....

My question is how can I help her? We are taking time apart, she needs time and space to figure things out, deal with the anger and pain she is feeling after 3 years. I have not spoken to her yet about this but we are due to go to couples therapy in a week and my therapist will asses and discuss.....

I need help....What can I do? How can I help her get through this trauma?

Any advise??
Thank you....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You dont have to be in the military to have PTSD, just noticed that you your post.

Due to this, and not knowing what happened:

I am to blame for the trauma but we never really dealt with it.

I need help....What can I do? How can I help her get through this trauma?

Space, individual and couples therapy which you are already doing.

I cant really think of any other advise other than if you were "to blame for the trauma" then space and understanding is super important.

Without knowing any more though, not sure what else to advise.

Welcome to the forum! You'll see a lot of help in the support areas! :hug:

 

[Gator92]

Thank you for the reply....

I am trying to read as much as I can about PTSD, go to therapy, and give her the space and time she needs....I am hoping she takes in on and goes to individual therapy as well.

I guess my question is- is there anything other than support and space, time that I can do for her? Does it help to talk about it more, address everything? I know EDMR is something therapist use to help. Anyone use that as a method to help? I have used it in the past with my therapist for something else and found it useful....

Thoughts??

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums Gator!

Glad you are here.

I am to blame for the trauma but we never really dealt with it.

What do you mean?

If you perpetrated the trauma, then some of the best things you can do are to respect her boundaries, allow her to have whatever feelings she has about it and to get her own support and space to work through it, and to take responsibility for your part and do your own work on yourself - all things it sounds like you are doing at least a little bit already.

If you feel responsible in a way that is possibly more like survivors guilt or you feel like you played a role in someone else perpetrating a traumatic event, then all the same pretty much applies, including let go and grieving what you can't control and what you were not responsible for doing.

I'm really glad you are considering couples therapy. Has your partner agreed to this? Is she aware of the purpose of the session? What you posted is a little vague/confusing on this.

If the goal is for her to be assessed as to if she has PTSD or not and to get help working through any of that, it's probably best she find her own therapist so she can freely express anything she needs to talk about without you there or with your therapist there. Couples therapy is great for working out navigating how to manage relationship issues, but it's not the primary/ideal place for someone to be assessed for possible PTSD throughly and to work it out in couple's therapy.

The session should be focused instead on working out your relationship. Things like boundaries, communication, and how to navigate having a relationship or not. Save the diagnosing of a major mental illness for one side or another in a couple therapy session for individual therapy, if possible.

What will work for her in terms of treatment for her is really going to be up to her and her own trauma therapist to work out together. Don't push her into therapy if she is resisting, it may feel unintentionally invalidating. It is best to offer it as an idea, if she is open to it. If she chooses to do so, Finding a therapist who specializes in trauma is better option than a general therapist as they will have a wider range of tools to try. EMDR is helpful for some and not a good idea for others. A therapist is the best person to figure out what will clinically work best for her, if she does have PTSD. There is no way to know if that will help her or not.

Couples therapy would be a good place to see if she wants to talk about it with you or not - talking about trauma alone can sometimes help and sometimes not help.

One thing to remember is that those who are closest to a trauma survivor can be there to offer support, which is often just being there and being present and non-judge mental and willing to listen and super respectful of boundaries... but you probably can't be her main source of doing the work of processing the trauma itself, especially because your involvement (and your own stuff around that) and closeness to her means you can't be objective.

Seems like you are taking some good proactive steps to find out more information and do the right thing now that you are both beginning to face this.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What you posted is a little vague/confusing on this.

I found it vauge/confusing in several areas.

I agree, if you are the perp; respecting boundries is huge as well as understanding.

EMDR is a therapy used to intergrate (move) memories but this is up to her and her therapist and if her therapist feels this will help.

Not sure the blame part if you fully responsible or feel as though you are and thats what i found confusing as these are completely different.

 

[Friday]

<narrows eyes at use of the word 'betrayal'> If you cheated on her, then her therapist is an idiot, because you can't get PTSD from being cheated on. Criterion A Level Trauma required (think violent death, threat of death, & rape... but the entire list is on the homepage under PTSD diagnosis). A person can have anxiety, intrusive thoughts, etc. from being cheated on, but that's one of several different disorders, not PTSD.

If you're talking about betrayal, meaning she trusted you to keep her safe, and you were the driver during a motor vehicle accident? Or something similar? That's different.

So would be your blaming yourself for something that is not actually your fault. (If I had been there, it wouldn't have happened... Whether it was a rape, bank robbery, car accident, etc.).

Which are also different things than if you beat and raped her but have given up abuse for lent.

See where we're coming from, here?

When you say it's your fault... Are you talking about something that's not PTSD at all, or something semi-your fault (like an MVA), or self blame, or actually your fault? Those 4 things all have very different answers.

 

[Gator92]

Thank you both for the advice....Can't tell you how muc i appreicate it....Will need to process a bit more but wanted to write back quickly...

I am responsible for the trauma ( I was with someone else...lasted a week).....I am trying to do all I can to try to help- therapy, readying, etc.....I am also trying to respect her space and time as much as possible. I agree that she needs to take the steps to therapy and I cant push her. She knows she needs to see someone and deal with all of her feelings but I have to be patient....I can't wait to see how the therapy goes with my therapist ( who she has seen with me before) and see what she thinks....

My issue is that she waited 3 years to deal with the trauma...In the meantime we have 2 homes together, a dog, and our lives and families are completely intertwined...Its a mess.... This is what I need to research and become more knowledgeable about so I can help her and help me get through this...I just want her back, our life back and I'll do anything....

 

[Sweetpea76]

Cheating does not cause PTSD. It's not a Criterion A trauma according to the DSM.

 

[Crow]

I'm going to disagree with @FridayJones & @Sweetpea76 (which rarely happens). If your partner has an underlining attachment disorder, relational betrayal could very well spark the nervous system into overdrive resulting in PTSD. The actual base cause would be the attachment issues and the cheating the spark. Combined with other life stressors - especially given your guys lack of communication- this is true. She may respond well / need trauma therapy.

 

[Gator92]

Thank you..... I can't tell you how much I appreciate any advice and just to be able to talk about this...

Thank you

 

[Friday]

@CrowFeather... No argument here! Anything can trigger pre-existing PTSD. But it does have to pre-exist to begin with.

((For all I know she was raped every day as a child. Or was in the SanFransico earthquake. Or kidnapped & ransomed in Honduras. Or, or, or.))

Have CritA stressors? Yep. Any stressor afterward can spark the fuse to old stuff.mor losing a coping mechanism. But it's not the being cheated on, quitting smoking, becoming vegan, being upside down on a sleeping bag & unable to get out, etc....that caused the PTSD. People make that mistake with cheating, all the time, although most of the other stressors people see as being pretty obviously not what caused it.

((But the sleeping bag thing? Is a real one. Knew a girl who was trapped in the SF earthquake, and getting stuck in a sleeping bag 20 years later is what triggered it... But like people who've been cheated on insisting that it's the cheating that caused the PTSD, she insisted it was the sleeping bag. Um. No, honey. I'm sorry, but it isn't. She still insists the earthquake & being trapped for days doesn't matter, and 2 minutes in a sleeping bag is what she needs therapy on. Hey. Trauma-avoidance. I get it. Ran from my own for 15 some odd years. But just because I get it, doesn't mean I'm gonna back up her bag-beliefs. Nope, honey. That isn't what caused this. Promise. Triggered? Yes. Caused? No.))

 

[Sideways]

Yep, sorry, cheating ain't great - need therapy to overcome that issue? Sure.

PTSD just because you cheated? No. Diagnostically it just doesn't fit.

Are you (and her) sure there's not something else going on? If she's got diagnosable PTSD, there's something else at play here. Potentially something she doesn't even remember yet.

Either way, lots of patience. And when she can't talk about it, compassionate silence. You're here for her now. That's what counts right now.