Strange Star

[KwanYingirl]

Equine therapy is very beneficial. My daughter volunteered at a farm in high school and she said that all the people that have it make progress in a big way. Do you think you could do the riding too? She wrote her senior thesis on equine therapy and when I proofread it for her, I got a chuckle. She listed all the illnesses that respond to therapy and one was "post dramatic stress disorder" well, it kinda makes sense doesn't it?

 

[Hope4Now]

post dramatic stress disorder"

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

I was a high school teacher for a LONG time, and student spelling errors like this never stop tickling me, sometimes to the point of tears of laughter like this one.

Thank you for sharing that!!! It will keep me giggling tonight and for a while to come.

This program does not do riding. I would have to find that elsewhere. Their theory is that the horses can be themselves if they do not have to respond to riders. It's interesting. Eagala.org

Ironically, I spent several years as an assistant at an equine therapy program when I was in high school. I led the horses, or spotted the riders. We worked with young people who had cerebral palsy and various physical issues. I loved it. I have always loved horses, although I never much liked the training for shows. I only lasted on that circuit for a year or two. I do think riding would help me physically now, if I could manage to get on a horse!

 

[shimmerz]

Went to watsu today instead of yesterday because he had an issue with his pool heater. I've now dubbed my watsu therapist "Magic Man." (It was so weird tonight

this sounds like such an incredible healing modality. It makes sense though. Warm water is very womb-like. That is my initial reaction to what you are describing.

(I have some suicidal parts and some runaway parts that seem to want their say).

These are such tough parts to help. In my case it was simply a place I went when I had given up. May you find your answers differently, my friend. I hope your therapists can help to guide you to a better place in these instances.

I'm pretty sure I am melting down because I have all sorts of integration happening

It is such a chaos inducing feeling this integration stuff, isn't it? I think this is where we get to prove if we 'really get it'. Do I trust myself enough to use these new thoughts effectively?

Peace, my friend. Much love to you.

 

[shimmerz]

post dramatic stress disorder

OMG, this is SO funny.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I agree about integration. I think I'm taking the cowards way out and leaving my parts in lower world where they are happy. Once my soul gets stitched back together, then I'll have to decide what I want. It means bringing them back home and not falling apart. My Shaman told me my soul was fragmented, and I think that means for each piece there is a part to meet or discover. Several I am aware of. One more came to my Shaman, but her spirit animals told her to wait on that one. I kind of like these superpowers working on my case!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Hmmmmmm...... I just noticed the Canadian flag is on my profile pic. Wonder how that happened?

 

[Hope4Now]

I just noticed the Canadian flag is on my profile pic. Wonder how that happened?

Maybe one of your parts is Canadian?

 

[Hope4Now]

the cowards way out and leaving my parts in lower world where they are happy

I don't think this is cowardly. It sounds safe to me. I haven't seemed to have this option, unfortunately. My parts show up in my this world reality...they aren't in my journeys (well, except for the really strange one I had the other day). My therapist has told me this likely means there is something blocking it from happening.

My Shaman told me my soul was fragmented,

Ugh. Yes, I think this is the case with me. I think this is the equivalent, in psychology terms, of fragmentation of the personality. Soul loss in shamanic terms. Either way, the task is to get the parts to know each other and to get to know our higher SELF (s for plural, but saying "higher selves" just seems so fragmented! Lol). Our damned language is just not up to the challenge of discussing this stuff.

her spirit animals told her to wait on that one

If that's what they said, then that's good medicine for now. What you need. In a journey I had last week, I wanted to do something with the animal guide who showed up, but he told me it was not the time--we had other things to do. Later, in a different journey, he allowed me to do what I had wanted to do.

I feel like a raving maniac talking like this. I actually have conversations (non-verbal ones...more like telepathy) with animals.

I kind of like these superpowers working on my case!!

I am so glad for you that you do. That you have found a wise teacher. That your teacher is helping you, and that you don't have to feel so afraid. I am heart-glad for you. And, I'm so glad to reconnect with you here in my diary! It has been a long while since we have talked.

 

[Hope4Now]

Warm water is very womb-like. That is my initial reaction to what you are describing.

Yes. It is what they aim for, I think, in those sensory deprivation tanks. But there is no way in hell I would be able to do that. I think I would truly lose whatever mind I have left. But in watsu, the therapist is cradling you, holding you. And then you don't feel alone or frightened. Or at least that is my experience. And some of my very young parts are getting what they need from it--it feels like rescue.

May you find your answers differently, my friend. I hope your therapists can help to guide you to a better place in these instances.

Yes, I hope so. My running, so far, has only consisted of landing at the local beach in the middle of the night and collapsing for a couple of hours. It is not a good choice, but when it has happened, it has not felt like a choice. I have a part that is pretty desperate to have me run away, far away, permanently. But I also have a part that seems to not allow this to happen--a bit like the part that had me fall and go comatose in the kitchen the night my suicidal part had hold of me. Maybe it is the same part. Some sort of survivor part. Probably the part that has kept me alive this long. I hate having the war inside me all the time, but I suppose I am grateful for the survivor part, because I do have a lot of good things in my life. And sometimes I even enjoy them until the part of me that refuses to allow me any iota of joy or peace or satisfaction kicks in. Argh.

It is such a chaos inducing feeling this integration stuff, isn't it?

Yes. I hate it. If I knew when it would end...that there would be an end...I might be able to tolerate it better.

 

[Hope4Now]

Hard night with husband last night. We have had a few rough discussions in the past month, as I am doing my best to explain to him what I need, what I can and cannot give, and why.

He is very worried about me, I know that. And I know that some of his anger is really fear and loneliness because the person he thought he was married to is only a part of me.

But in the past few weeks, he has completely shut down. It feels as if he is shutting me out. He doesn't talk to me much at all. And when he does, it is about practical things, like who will get my daughter to where she needs to go, and bills and such, and what progress I am making on my mother's stuff.

Last night my daughter was out at a sleepover. I had a pretty good day yesterday, overall. I was looking forward to an evening with him. It was not to be. I came into our sitting room and sat. He talked a bit, complaining about not being able to get the printer to work, and why whenever he wants to watch a movie, the wifi seems to shut down. Then he said he was going to read his book. I did my usual self-torture...what to do? Should I push more to get him to talk with me, or should I just give him his space. It is an awkward dance, and we both do it, but it doesn't flow in connection the way it ought to. I gave him his space.

I went downstairs and did some work on my book. But I was not terribly successful because my mind kept poking at this issue with our relationship. At one point, I went upstairs with the intention of asking him to talk. He was asleep. I returned to my computer. At 11, he came downstairs to get something to drink. I followed him back upstairs and got into bed with my book, thinking, "Ok at least we can be together reading even if we aren't talking." He turned off the light and rolled over.

I was feeling a mix of angry and abandoned. I used my lovely new skills and gathered up my energy. Opened my heart. Drummed up compassion to get beyond his walls. And I reached over to touch him, and I spoke. I told him I have been feeling like he is shutting me out, not talking to me. That I don't understand what is going on with this, and I can't stop interpreting and analyzing it because whenever I ask him, he says he doesn't want to talk about it.

Well, it was a rough conversation, but he did talk. A lot. I listened. He asked me some questions and I answered as honestly as I could.

We are not in a good place.

And he, for around the tenth time, expressed that he believes my therapist is not only useless, but is making me become even more fragmented with the parts work. He says he understands that parts work is helpful in some ways, but that he sees things getting worse even if I see them getting better.

It is a terrible thing for me to have people question my therapist. Because I have worked so hard to open up and trust him. My husband is not the only person who has undermined my fragile trust in the work I am doing and in the person with whom I am doing it. Mr. Famous made some comment last fall that my therapist is not a trauma specialist. (I'm not sure why he said that, because my therapist is a trauma therapist, and Mr. Famous knows him and has worked with him in seminars.) But he said it is all about the relationship, and that as I have a good relationship with my therapist, I ought to continue. Then, in the first session with my new psychiatrist, she introduced doubt about the parts therapy--the IFS work. She didn't question my therapist, just the IFS model. She said it can be problematic.

This is so hard for me. I explained to my husband that doing this parts work can make things look bad. It is so hard for me to explain in words what is happening to me. That as I start to loosen up the encrusted knots of myself, and get some clarity on the fact that I experience the world in a vastly different way than most people do, and that my inside world and my outside world don't match at all (but are just beginning to), and that until recently I have never lived inside my own body, and that I have always experienced myself and the world from a sort of third person perspective--from somewhere outside my body...sometimes close like over my right shoulder, sometimes much further away. I tried to give him some examples, but we got stuck on one. He does not understand.

At least I think he doesn't understand. But then I question myself again. Maybe I am just like everyone else in my experience? Maybe he is right? Maybe I am wallowing in all this stuff. I don't know. I think I know, but I'm not sure. THIS is what is so destabilizing to me. This constant doubt about what is real and true for me. Because I have so many perspectives. So many conflicting experiences of my own reality. And whenever I feel like I am getting a tenuous grip on my SELF, something happens that pries my fingers off and I slide back into the internal chaos.

I believe I am on the right path for me. I think I can look frighteningly fragmented to others because I am gradually exploring how to match up my inside and outside worlds. It doesn't often happen consciously. I said to my therapist and to my husband, "I feel like my inside world is leaking into my outside world." That IS what is happening. And to some extent, it needs to happen in order for things to get clearer for me. In order for me to learn to live inside this human body I exist in and feel feelings and believe that I exist and am real. And it is all a big mess, but I am learning that I have to make a huge mess in order to sort things out. Kind of like in order to clean my closet I have to take everything out and start fresh. But I can't do it all at once, so often the mess stays out there for a while until I can figure out how to put it all back together again in a way that works, at least for a little while.

So I'm feeling very very very vulnerable at the moment. And I do NOT like the feeling. I am scared and I don't know what to do next. But I am committed to continuing to walk the path I am on. And to inviting my husband to walk it with me. As best he can, and as best I can. I am here for him as much as I can be. I am as concerned about him as he is about me, but he cannot accept or take that in. And that makes me sad.

He says he is lonely. I am lonely too. How sad it is that we are lonely together and we can't seem to find a way to connect that works for both of us. A way to connect in which we can both be true to ourselves and our own needs while at the same time being there for the other. It will happen eventually, I hope. We have a solid marriage. A solid relationship. 25 years. We are just in uncharted territory right now. And it sucks. And my runner part is screaming RUN. Because that used to be my m.o. So many relationships I left in the dust. So many men I hurt. I will not leave this one. I am committed for life. We will grow together. But I will not sacrifice my own work to become what he wishes I would be.

I will be SELFish for a change in my life.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Just coming to grips about being fragmented while looking 'normal' to the outside world is how we survived. Do you find your jaw clenched as if you've been on the other dye of a precipice for what seems like forever? I've ground the teeth right out of my skull. My husband bailed on me when I got sober 25 years ago. He is a daily drinker and I was all in it with him until I couldn't take the hangovers anymore. I think if your husband is a sober person, he will be able to whether the storm. If he's not self destructing, he can be a scaffold for your reconstruction. He needs to know how important he is. Every day. This journey opens up those long ago lacerations. I agree with you. It does get worse before it gets better. 2 steps forward, 1 step back is still progress forward.
I am just projecting here because my daughter is my only ally and she speaks her mind to me, even as she learns to help me stay present when I am frozen in place. She removes me from the frightening experience, takes me aside and explains that I am safe that nothing desperate is happening. She wonders why I still struggle in spite of all the therapy, yoga, reiki, shaman, polarity therapy not to mention the psyche meds I'm on. f*ck, people with cancer don't spend half of what we need for treatment.

My therapist is happy letting my Shaman find my missing parts. I just say I have no sustaining soul. No passion. Shaman journeys and I try to stay with her. Sometimes I am taken elsewhere if she's found a part and is talking to her/him. Only one part has asked to sit with me and hold my hand. She's 4 years old. So we're not doing IFS. My therapist is awed by the change in me. My ability to even cognitively describe what my Shaman uncovers.

I have been murdered in many past lives. On some level, they are all part of me too. I'm the one than can finally say NO MORE. I'm kinda glad I'm single and can just stay in bed some days without eating.

I'll put out loving thoughts for your marriage. The world needs your book. You're very aware and articulate. Do you know who Tara Brach is? She has wonderful talks on various challenges that you can find on YouTube as well as her website. It's helped me learn to pause before I overreact. She's witty and engaging. Attend and befriend, radical acceptance, healing the fear body, respond not react are my favorites. Check her out!

 

[Hope4Now]

Thank you @KwanYingirl for all your genuine and wise responses. Thank you.

2 steps forward, 1 step back is still progress forward.

I have to keep reminding myself of this. I see the two steps back, but forget that each baby step forward is still progress of some sort. Because a lot of times, there are lots of baby steps forward that outpace the many two steps back...if that math works. I think it does.

f*ck, people with cancer don't spend half of what we need for treatment.

LOL! Yes. I sank us into debt before I even had to leave my job, then further since. My mother conveniently died before all her resources went to her healthcare, so the little she left (which in my world is a big deal actually), is getting us by for now. And allowing me to continue to pursue alternative healing that is true healing, not just the band-aid healing of psych meds. I am on one med that is helping with the pain a lot though, but I've refused another round of of the atypical antipsychotics that seem to be another drug of choice in addition to the SSRIs. I'm wanting to get up to dose on the one medication before I start throwing others in to muddy the waters of what is working and what is not.

I have been murdered in many past lives. On some level, they are all part of me too. I'm the one than can finally say NO MORE.

This is very interesting. I have had some odd experiences that suggest something similar. One of the "alternative" treatments I am going to do is something called "Deep Memory Processing." (Actually suggested by my new psychiatrist). It is about going back to past lives. I think it will complement the shamanic work, but add a different perspective. We'll see.

I'll put out loving thoughts for your marriage.

Thank you. We need this.

The world needs your book.

I don't know. This is what people keep telling me when I share little bits about my ideas. It is hard, very hard for me to believe that what I have to say could be of any help to anyone at all. But I need to believe that because it will motivate me. My writing helps me to some extent. Imposes some sort of reality on what is happening, and helps me remember things that I would not otherwise remember. And also seems to provide a portal for my parts to speak out--very strange experience when that happens.

Do you know who Tara Brach is?

YES!!! I LOVE Tara Brach. I have two of her CDs and listen to many of her presentations and meditations when I can. She was recommended to me by a psychotherapist friend of my husband's. That she is a therapist herself as well as a meditator/buddhist type really makes her extraordinarily sensitive in the ways she approaches communicating her ideas. She is a true gift to this world.

Peace to you.