Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

I can handle pain. The cats and animals in general can handle change. It is so hard and that's okay

Thankful for the time I've had with them today

I am trying to stay resilient and positive

I haven't received any new news. I'm confused about it and extremely stressed because I have no timeline and no real idea of what I'll do when it comes down to it still.

I tried getting a job, then got one, then was fired pretty much same day.

Realized I'm probably too disabled to work -- I did get on disability after all, which is notoriously difficult.

But now I'm flip flopped back to at least trying to work again. I don't want to be on disability my entire life. I also do want to.

Making 1000/mo is demeaning. New laws made my food stamps allow me about 2$/day in food. That's more than around 1 billion human beings make in a day.... So on some level, still thankful.

But I have some sort of hope I can save this house, though I don't like this house. But it has allowed me a type of stability I do appreciate. And would like to keep, if at all possible.

It scares me trying to work when I know I'm just not as better as I wanted to be. I hoped getting on disability would help. It has made things better in some ways, but much worse in others because the level of poverty required is so overwhelming and stressful.

I am okay with poverty. But I want my cats to have a life with me. And I want to try to keep my bird.

I am lucky in so many ways, and in those extact same ways, I feel doomed. I feel constantly overwhelmed and like every move I make will be the wrong choice.

I visited a Buddhist temple. Don't know if you'll ever be back @somerandomguy , no pressure. But understanding that I'll always want something, it helps. The meditation helped.

I want peace. I want to do hard work on earth and spiritually. It's really, really hard, especially with how overwhelmed and unwell I am.

I am hoping at this current moment I CAN work again, but this means I will be stuck with student loans again. But if within 5 years I still can't make work work, I guess I can stop and go back on disability and sacrifice everything.

It's upsetting. My little brother is homeless and living in the house with me, and for some reason chose a job that gives no income for months until he sells his first car. He chose this despite the circumstances. His car may actually seize up and die before he ever makes an income. He keeps leaving the kitchen dirty after he cooks. He gets aggressive when I talk about him paying some kind of rent.

It's scary to me. I honestly never wanted him to move in. I let him because my mom was planning it before she died. And I was worried about her health if he did move in. And now those worries are coming true for me. He does not seem to understand the severity of the situation, and if I say so, he says it's because I'm being incredibly unclear about what's going on. I genuinely don't know more, though. It's confusing and stressful.

If he makes a sale/s, I could stay on disability and have him pay money on the house. If be more willing to clean up after him in this case.

But I just don't know what's going to happen, and frankly have learned not to trust him.

It's weird. It feels bad. I feel so lost and overwhelmed, hopeless, helpless, and like there is no way to not lose my cats and bird. It's really hard.

Someone else recently bought a house on these forumns and though it sounds stressful, I cried reading about it. I want that. I want some kind of stability.

I don't deserve it more or less than anyone else. It's just.... How things have worked out.

I hope I can work. I hope if I can't I at least can figure things out.

I still want to become a physician assistant or doctor one day, but actual med students still tell me years later that it's not a likely route for me. I will likely still try though. But not today.

Hoping I even live long enough. I mean, an accident could happen that takes my life at any time, but I mean I am having suicidal thoughts all the time. Last month I just planned to go through with it, but for now I've decided to try to hold out, if only for loved ones. But it's been so hard. I lost my mom, I lost my service dog, I lost cats to old age, and then I was told I would love this house and probably everyone and everything in it. Or, that's how it felt to be told.

I'm so upset and so overwhelmed and so unclear on what's happening. I feel so hopeless. So will have to try SOMETHING.

Applying to more jobs gives me hope

Have you gone thru Goodwill's job program? They have a specific department that works with disabled people to teach them job skills and get them into jobs that can accommodate them. Salvation Army might do it too but I'm not sure

Just listening and following along again. No one deserves to live in fear they’ll lose their house and animals, and neither do you. Best of luck job hunting, littleoc. I’m proud of you for carrying on regardless

Not having a stable home is incredibly hard @littleoc I am sitting with you today.

Losing beloved animals, like your service dog, and elderly cats is tremendously heartbreaking.

I am hoping that you get to keep your cats and bird. The stress of not knowing whether you can keep your animal family is a terrible place to be.

You are under an insane amount of stress. I send best wishes.

My housing situation is not as for as you. I do have a caravan to live in but it has knocked me for a six.

Please stay with us. I personally need you. Your kind comments in my diary really helped me so much. I needed your insights.

Plan A of getting house transfer fell through. Trying plan b of convincing Grandpa to sell to friend's dad. Not ideal and no feeling hopeful, but trying. Just showing up and trying

Dad I was no contact with is who they're having talk to me. They are avoiding me and trying to rush me out. Feels awful. Found out he has other houses to sell but is rushing me. No energy to worry about that.

Grandpa is 89 years old and is being told he won't walk again. He is likely panicking.

Please pray or send good vibes or something.

Trying to be hopeful

One step at a time

Had several more plans arise and fall through. My grandpa offered to have me live with him, and to pay me for it. But then moved into the retirement home before I even replied, which I did wait a week because I needed to form my questions and concerns.

Waiting on plan b, part b. Plan b part a fell through.

These past few weeks have been a rollercoaster.

I do not want this house. But I like the stability it provides. I like that I can have my family, my cats. that my little brother can stay in it for a bit even if I keep thinking of kicking him out because he won't do basic respect and thinks he's a co-owner even though he hasn't helped with cleaning, bills, anything. Costs extra money because he leaves such messes it destroys things. Beside the point right now

I just wanted to give an update. Every day I am upset.

I am trying to become employed in case it helps me keep the house. But I don't know if I can do it.

If I lose the home, or even if I don't, I am likely to be living in the state hospital long term soon, if the group homes for disabled adults stops having something available. Because now my best bet seems to be to "give up" and lose everything I've worked for. And live in a group home. Which scares me because I am worried I will be abused. But whatever on that for now

It bothers me that i had to live back to this city because I couldn't get a job that covered the rent in 2018. 2017?

Other people seem to just be able to get jobs and live their lives. My life fell apart completely in every way.

I almost don't even care anymore. like, can I even take care of animals anymore? Can I do anything


In synagogue on Friday, people shared their good news, and it was all stuff I once wanted. People's businesses expanding, one person got into law school, someone is finishing med school. I don't view people who didn't do these things as failures. But I had it in my soul to want to be this kind of person, who leaves trauma behind and accomplishes something impressive.

Maybe just trying to prove to myself that I'm not worthless.

Been spending hours and hours at the local Buddhist temple as well, teaching one of the nuns who lives in Vietnam some English. She's gotten really good at it.

The main monk has trusted me already with the keys to the temple. He'll be out of town with the nuns next week and he gave me permission to open the temple for people.

So there is that.

I wish I were worried about if having kids was right for me or something. Wish I had a normal life. Instead I'm looking at losing everything and getting full time care. Maybe I need it. maybe I won't get the chance because I can stay in that stupid house.

The panic, every single day, over the last few months has really gotten to me. I keep trying to plan my future and I can't.

I keep getting weirdly upset that the Buddhists say a long life is a sign of a blessed person who got rewarded for doing their best, basically, because at this point I keep almost hoping I'll get diagnosed with cancer or something and be allowed to leave this life. I'm so exhausted