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  1. wallygator

    delusions and fantasy

    Probably the most difficult issue to deal with is when you realize that most if not all you believed was false or based on faulty truths. Realizing that all you knew was based on fear and loathing. When it started happening to me a couple of years ago I was very frightened because all I knew to...
  2. wallygator

    light helps

    Lately I have noticed that I feel less stressed and more content. I think the medication really has helped me move in this direction. Today i was thinking of how i used to hide in the shadows of my living areas. low light or darkened rooms, with minimal lighting. Somehow I felt that I was hiding...
  3. wallygator

    these days - I feel the medication helps me reach and absorb the final symptoms of CPTSD

    These days, since I have taken the step to take positive steps in taking care of myself by taking prozac and propranolol for my CPTSD condition, I do not feel so much suicidal as I did 2.5 months ago, for a long time suicidal ideation was with me all the time. I would constantly think about want...
  4. wallygator

    Truth is harder than fiction

    As I went through this awful journey, I learned early on that I was a bad person, that nothing was there for me and that people are my enemies even though I desperately wanted them to love me. My fiction was always about how evil I was and that if people knew the real me they would run away in...
  5. wallygator

    Boundaries are important and real

    Ever since I was young and this problem started I always felt that I needed to be saved or somehow loved by people I met. It has always troubled me how these feelings of need made me feel. I would always do the points listed in the linked article. I always felt that I was having conversations...
  6. wallygator

    Stability from medication

    I am finding that taking medication helps me stay more stable. I am still isolated and still the same introvert as I always was, but now I don’t have to beat myself up of be negative to myself 24 hours a day. It comes and goes but it is so much more quiet now. I have been back on medication for...
  7. wallygator

    the body keeps the score - My body is in constant lookout for dangerous and abusive people.

    Its a title of a book that helped me understand what I suspected for a long time. That my body is in constant lookout for dangerous and abusive people. This morning I was feeling the feelings of self hate and depression and I was remembering some of the skills from CBT about challenging the...
  8. wallygator

    It is a long hike

    I remember when I was hospitalized and was being discharged, my favorite nurse person and my doctor both told me a story how my life was going to be like a hike on a mountain of sand, and that when I got to the top that I should not be surprised to see another mountain to climb, possibly for the...
  9. wallygator

    My acceptance that I need to be on medication

    I would like to propose that medication is really the only way to go. Ever since I was hospitalized in the 90s I have been prescribed some kind of medication for my problems and I resisted them all the way. I would take them, things would feel better, than I would fall off the wagon again and...
  10. wallygator

    obsession to feel bad

    for a long time I tried my hardest to fight and be strong and tried to hide myself from others because I was afraid they would see the intense insecurity I experienced. I was not aware of how terrible it really is to feel anxiety daily, feelings of panic and always looking out for enemies in...
  11. wallygator

    Sufferer Anger, medication & finding acceptance

    My nane is wallywally, I am new here and well, the road that lead me here has been long, confusing and hard. I’ve lost a few jobs due to my condition, and lost many potential friends due to the distrust and paranoia as well as the intense physical symptoms that make me act out at times, I.E...
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