12 Years On And I Still Can't Believe This Actually Happened

[Smarmasour]

People quickly adjust their values to fit their behaviour, even when it is shocking and cruel. They need someone to blame. And if there are a few of them they feel validated.

12 years ago, In the space of a month I lost my home, my job, my car, the support of a close group of friends and, to my despair. my children. This can all be attributed to the blind trust I placed in people and the power of gossip and lies. Their father, with the support of my then best friend, and my mother and brother let their behaviour get way out of hand. I fought the world, and I won.

I got my children back after a four month battle. The judge commended me for my "dignity and spirit". But it's all been a hollow victory. I've never been the same person. I've never spoken to them again. They regret it now, but it's too late. I've had years of struggle. I've put my children through Uni, alone, without anyone's help. They are successful, happy, decent young adults. With lives of their own, which is how it should be. But I no longer even go through the motions. I just want to be left alone to get through the rest of it without any more pain. I look back at the person I was before and I cry for her.

<Edited for font colour by Amethist>

 

[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[cat]

Hello Smarmasour and Welcome to the forum.

Well done to you for getting through such a horrible time. When we have fought so hard it can often take time for the full impact to hit us. You have been using every bit of your energy to get through this & and look at the rewards, 3 children you are very proud of. That is no hollow victory!

Now its time for you, don't be too hard on yourself. The person you were was treated badly, its only right you cry for her, I'm sure she is feeling a whole range of emotions from anger to pride, all very natural for what you have been through. When we have been through such a traumatic time it is impossible to be the same person again but I do believe we become better people with more understanding & compassion for ourselves & the world.

As for the people who treated you this way that is their problem not yours. They chose to behave that way & will have to live with the knowledge of what they have put you & your children through.

When i read your post it sounded like me 5 yrs ago. I'd been through a similar situation to you. I was 50 & felt like the world was an alien place & I no longer had a place in it or a future. Since then I've been in therapy for 3yrs & feel so different, at last I'm happy, feel like I have a place & purpose again & no longer feel the need to fight everything, I am also beginning to look to the future.

Hang on in there Smar, do you have someone close to talk to or what about therapy, it is the hardest thing I've had to do but I have no regrets.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk off line.

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[Smarmasour]

Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate that you really heard what I was saying. In particular :

no longer feel the need to fight everything

This is what happens when you are really alone. There is nobody else to stand up for you. So you have to be on your guard, all the time. You pick up on small signs of possible threat, subtle changes in the body language / attitude of others, almost imperceptibly small changes in routine, changes in group dynamics, what they say. You get called paranoid. It's not paranoia, it's hyper-vigilance. Because you've been down that road and it isn't going to happen to you again. And if you feel threatened you have to make it loud and clear you won't stand for it. Make it forceful and they'll back down.

I don't seem to care enough to fight back now the kids are settled. But I do feel they still need me. In case anyone tries to do to them what happened to me. I would never let my kids face the world alone, no matter what they did. That's why I have such a passionate loathing of my mother. I know it's unhealthy. I've thought about therapy many times over the years. But I'm scared of making things worse.

Thanks again for listening and understanding.