FindingMyself88
Platinum Member
Until last year all of my traumas were "complex" as in years of constant physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. There is no one day that sticks out, just a constant blur of pain and dissociation. But this year is different.
November 3rd is the one year anniversary to me being raped. I don't know how to handle this. I've done EMDR on this particular trauma and it has helped with the nightmares and such, but how well will I hold up on that day? No one knows besides ya'll, my T, and my pastors back home who are/were like parents to me so it's not like I can just say "I need to be highly distracted today" without others asking why.
It doesn't help that guys have been popping up lately and on a GOOD day I have no interest, let alone coming up on this. Yes eventually I want to find a guy that will prove to me that they are not all the same, but right now I just know I can't think like that. I talked with my T about this yesterday and she said distractions are going to be my best friend during that day/days leading up to and away from. It doesn't help that my birthday is exactly 1 week afterwards and has sucked for many years.
My parents wanted to go out to eat, but that always leads to disaster with my family. So I said what about going to the zoo instead. My T mentioned an idea that I would love, but I know my parents won't pay for it. She mentioned going to see my only best friend and spending the weekend with her. But she lives over 8 hours away and my parents won't do that. My mom would lay on the guilt trip of not wanting to spend my birthday with her since she is the one who gave me life (gag!). Normally in the past I just did what I wanted anyways, even if it meant just going somewhere and hiding. Back then before I moved for college I spent the day with either my youth pastor or my pastors and they would do something small for me, which was actually huge to me. I honestly didn't care if all I did was stay at their house and help them run errands, just to be with someone else. But now I don't have anyone here to do that with and I'm at my mom's mercy.
I wish I could just sleep through the first half of November, but I seriously doubt that will happen as I can barely get 3 hours of sleep a night when trying. Then following close behind all this is Christmas. Holidays suck as again it means spending what is suppose to be a happy time with family.
I don't know the point of this, I guess I needed to vent to people who understand. My T says I am doing so good in therapy and I do see where we have come a long way since April. But this is going to be a challenge to get through. I have just came through a time of having lots of suicidal ideation and to be honest those thoughts still try to pop up some, but not as much. Getting through these next 2 months is going to be hell.
November 3rd is the one year anniversary to me being raped. I don't know how to handle this. I've done EMDR on this particular trauma and it has helped with the nightmares and such, but how well will I hold up on that day? No one knows besides ya'll, my T, and my pastors back home who are/were like parents to me so it's not like I can just say "I need to be highly distracted today" without others asking why.
It doesn't help that guys have been popping up lately and on a GOOD day I have no interest, let alone coming up on this. Yes eventually I want to find a guy that will prove to me that they are not all the same, but right now I just know I can't think like that. I talked with my T about this yesterday and she said distractions are going to be my best friend during that day/days leading up to and away from. It doesn't help that my birthday is exactly 1 week afterwards and has sucked for many years.
My parents wanted to go out to eat, but that always leads to disaster with my family. So I said what about going to the zoo instead. My T mentioned an idea that I would love, but I know my parents won't pay for it. She mentioned going to see my only best friend and spending the weekend with her. But she lives over 8 hours away and my parents won't do that. My mom would lay on the guilt trip of not wanting to spend my birthday with her since she is the one who gave me life (gag!). Normally in the past I just did what I wanted anyways, even if it meant just going somewhere and hiding. Back then before I moved for college I spent the day with either my youth pastor or my pastors and they would do something small for me, which was actually huge to me. I honestly didn't care if all I did was stay at their house and help them run errands, just to be with someone else. But now I don't have anyone here to do that with and I'm at my mom's mercy.
I wish I could just sleep through the first half of November, but I seriously doubt that will happen as I can barely get 3 hours of sleep a night when trying. Then following close behind all this is Christmas. Holidays suck as again it means spending what is suppose to be a happy time with family.
I don't know the point of this, I guess I needed to vent to people who understand. My T says I am doing so good in therapy and I do see where we have come a long way since April. But this is going to be a challenge to get through. I have just came through a time of having lots of suicidal ideation and to be honest those thoughts still try to pop up some, but not as much. Getting through these next 2 months is going to be hell.
