Hi and welcome!
Unfortunately if you are reading this I have only a sad story to tell you. But maybe there is light ahead, or maybe not.
A little about me.
From age 5 to age 26, I was physically and mentally assaulted by both my parents, mostly my father (but my mother also had something to do with that).
It all started when I was 5 years old. My mother was 21 and my father was 45 when they brought me into the world. I had a sister 5 years later (so I was 5 when she was born).
I guess my mother was too young to have a baby at that age. She wasn't really grown up yet.
Well things started out with my father was having a nap at 7.30pm every night and when he came down from his nap my mother would often tell him ... <> have been a very bad boy and deserves a smacking! (even through I didn't do anything. But of course my father chose to believe my mother).
So he would run after me and beat me up (1975). I quickly tried to just fall with the punches - so 1 punch and I fell to the floor. It beats (excuse the pun) standing up and getting whacked by a 50 year former lumberjack. But he wasn't finished after one punch, so he started kicking me instead. So much for that plan eh?
My father was very dedicated to me being better and trying to teach me the world was a really bad place (living in Scandinavia wasn't bad I guess) - so he took it upon himself to drill me in calculations and perfecting handwriting. Often I was sent to my room to write things and he would grade my performances, often with the you wont get any food until your writing is of a certain standard.
He said often you shall not do anything unless it has the purpose of being better at something, not doing anything for pure entertainment. He was lurking around to see if I did become better anytime and everytime, a bit like the Spanish inquisition.
Certainly he was the master of the house - because of his personality which was a Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde personality. He was really nice when he was nice, and a real mental f*cked up angry person when he was angry. It was like a tornado of pure rage for about 3-5 minutes often with a leading up to the climax (which was the beating). He liked to tell me how useless I was for up to 12 hours in a row.
Mocking me when I was crying - you little crybaby! - you are not even worth maggots feeding! - you have 10 thumbs where other people have hands, you are good for nothing. So this treatment quickly robbed me of any personal development except I was quickly becoming a very good actor!
When people asked me how are you? I said oohhh I am very fine thank you, because this was the best way of not talking about what was actually happening at home. Often I would have imprints of my fathers hands on my face. I just said I am ok... I probably deserve it... etc.
Needless to say the weekends was a pain in the royal. My mother was so scared of my father that she could not boil an egg properly so every time she could not cook the egg he would beat her. Children! go up to your room! And then we would hear noises of my father beating the living daylights out of my mother, every Sunday.
Anyway I was 9 years old when my mothers sister decided enough is enough so we (my sister - mother and I) moved to my grandmothers. We stayed there for 2 years and then we went back to live with my father for 2 years and then we moved again as the same thing happened over and over again.
I was a very quiet kid, so quiet that other boys in the school bullied me, because I would just take it and do nothing back. A bit like at home, you cant do jack to a 5x year old man beating you when you are 11.
The best times of my life was when I was sick, with the flu or whatever. So I tried to be sick as often as I could. I felt cared about and my father would be nice to me and bring me sports magazines and sometimes we watched football together from England on Saturdays tv.
So we moved again in 1982 and things went from one extreme to another extreme. From having a very organized daily schedule to pure mayhem as my mother would go out drinking 2-3 times a week and bring home different horny men which she made me throw out after I gave them a beer.
Even moving away from my father did not help, but yay now I only got beaten up in the weekends so I guess that was an improvement. He would just talk and talk and talk about how bad the world was and the occasional, if I split your head with an axe (axe in the hand) would you do anything? I said no I am at your mercy which just seemed to enrage him even more. I was called spineless, cowardly and many other things. Of course what do you expect when you mentally and physically abuse a 5 year old child for years? Basically I was a robot trained to obey my fathers orders.
I never rebelled against my parents. I didn't have any self esteem. Anyway, I finished public school and I discovered how to lie to my mother in order to stay home from business school I signed up to. "The school has been closed for 3 weeks as they found asbestos in the ceiling" and more of the kind. So I would go somewhere for 2 hours and then come home saying ohh the teacher was sick, and then watch television! ahhh...
After finishing business school I started getting money from the government, so for a period of 10 years I did #*@&@#^ all. Except I was in the army for 9 months which I really loved (as they told you what to do, so I really enjoyed that).
The last time I remember my father mentally assaulting me was in 1996. I have a theory that because of my sisters experimentations with drugs and alcohol he couldn't use the "ohh your sister is soo much better than you (because he didn't beat her she would have the guts to say something back) story" because it was visible to everyone.
My sister had no one to guide her during her upgrowing. She became a wild child, drugs and alcohol from age 14. So my father mellowed out. He did tell me that even if he was upset with my sister he would take it out on me because I was defenceless... thanks a lot.
As a person today 41 , I have always cared about everyone - even the people I did not know.
I became a Christian at 19 (my father was very anti Christian). I were in favor of America and Capitalism (good ol 80ies) and my father was a sworn communist! , I try to save the world one person at a time, but that doesn't go so well. I meet a lot of people who don't want to be saved, but they do like to take advantage of my good nature.
My father passed away in 2004 , and well, I felt like a puppet without a master if it wasn't for my exwife who was very controlling and demanding! I have been fortunate to work with alpha males which appreciate my loyalty to them, and now also a great wife which I will hopefully live a happy life with.
So, I'm 41, I don't know who I am (except I believe I am a Christian!) and well I don't know where I am going. But I have an idea which came to me in a dream, to build a school/church in a 3rd world country! And I promise you I have never, and will never hit a defenceless woman or child because I know how that feels. I have a very dark sense of humor which gets me through the day and I can mirror anyone I am with - i.e. behave like they want me to behave which is great for work as I can relate to anyone. Sometimes I am happy sometimes sad, a bit bi-polar I think
And yes, there is more, but I think that is enough for now!
God Bless and thank you for reading!
<basic grammar edited by cherryblossom>
Unfortunately if you are reading this I have only a sad story to tell you. But maybe there is light ahead, or maybe not.
A little about me.
From age 5 to age 26, I was physically and mentally assaulted by both my parents, mostly my father (but my mother also had something to do with that).
It all started when I was 5 years old. My mother was 21 and my father was 45 when they brought me into the world. I had a sister 5 years later (so I was 5 when she was born).
I guess my mother was too young to have a baby at that age. She wasn't really grown up yet.
Well things started out with my father was having a nap at 7.30pm every night and when he came down from his nap my mother would often tell him ... <> have been a very bad boy and deserves a smacking! (even through I didn't do anything. But of course my father chose to believe my mother).
So he would run after me and beat me up (1975). I quickly tried to just fall with the punches - so 1 punch and I fell to the floor. It beats (excuse the pun) standing up and getting whacked by a 50 year former lumberjack. But he wasn't finished after one punch, so he started kicking me instead. So much for that plan eh?
My father was very dedicated to me being better and trying to teach me the world was a really bad place (living in Scandinavia wasn't bad I guess) - so he took it upon himself to drill me in calculations and perfecting handwriting. Often I was sent to my room to write things and he would grade my performances, often with the you wont get any food until your writing is of a certain standard.
He said often you shall not do anything unless it has the purpose of being better at something, not doing anything for pure entertainment. He was lurking around to see if I did become better anytime and everytime, a bit like the Spanish inquisition.
Certainly he was the master of the house - because of his personality which was a Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde personality. He was really nice when he was nice, and a real mental f*cked up angry person when he was angry. It was like a tornado of pure rage for about 3-5 minutes often with a leading up to the climax (which was the beating). He liked to tell me how useless I was for up to 12 hours in a row.
Mocking me when I was crying - you little crybaby! - you are not even worth maggots feeding! - you have 10 thumbs where other people have hands, you are good for nothing. So this treatment quickly robbed me of any personal development except I was quickly becoming a very good actor!
When people asked me how are you? I said oohhh I am very fine thank you, because this was the best way of not talking about what was actually happening at home. Often I would have imprints of my fathers hands on my face. I just said I am ok... I probably deserve it... etc.
Needless to say the weekends was a pain in the royal. My mother was so scared of my father that she could not boil an egg properly so every time she could not cook the egg he would beat her. Children! go up to your room! And then we would hear noises of my father beating the living daylights out of my mother, every Sunday.
Anyway I was 9 years old when my mothers sister decided enough is enough so we (my sister - mother and I) moved to my grandmothers. We stayed there for 2 years and then we went back to live with my father for 2 years and then we moved again as the same thing happened over and over again.
I was a very quiet kid, so quiet that other boys in the school bullied me, because I would just take it and do nothing back. A bit like at home, you cant do jack to a 5x year old man beating you when you are 11.
The best times of my life was when I was sick, with the flu or whatever. So I tried to be sick as often as I could. I felt cared about and my father would be nice to me and bring me sports magazines and sometimes we watched football together from England on Saturdays tv.
So we moved again in 1982 and things went from one extreme to another extreme. From having a very organized daily schedule to pure mayhem as my mother would go out drinking 2-3 times a week and bring home different horny men which she made me throw out after I gave them a beer.
Even moving away from my father did not help, but yay now I only got beaten up in the weekends so I guess that was an improvement. He would just talk and talk and talk about how bad the world was and the occasional, if I split your head with an axe (axe in the hand) would you do anything? I said no I am at your mercy which just seemed to enrage him even more. I was called spineless, cowardly and many other things. Of course what do you expect when you mentally and physically abuse a 5 year old child for years? Basically I was a robot trained to obey my fathers orders.
I never rebelled against my parents. I didn't have any self esteem. Anyway, I finished public school and I discovered how to lie to my mother in order to stay home from business school I signed up to. "The school has been closed for 3 weeks as they found asbestos in the ceiling" and more of the kind. So I would go somewhere for 2 hours and then come home saying ohh the teacher was sick, and then watch television! ahhh...
After finishing business school I started getting money from the government, so for a period of 10 years I did #*@&@#^ all. Except I was in the army for 9 months which I really loved (as they told you what to do, so I really enjoyed that).
The last time I remember my father mentally assaulting me was in 1996. I have a theory that because of my sisters experimentations with drugs and alcohol he couldn't use the "ohh your sister is soo much better than you (because he didn't beat her she would have the guts to say something back) story" because it was visible to everyone.
My sister had no one to guide her during her upgrowing. She became a wild child, drugs and alcohol from age 14. So my father mellowed out. He did tell me that even if he was upset with my sister he would take it out on me because I was defenceless... thanks a lot.
As a person today 41 , I have always cared about everyone - even the people I did not know.
I became a Christian at 19 (my father was very anti Christian). I were in favor of America and Capitalism (good ol 80ies) and my father was a sworn communist! , I try to save the world one person at a time, but that doesn't go so well. I meet a lot of people who don't want to be saved, but they do like to take advantage of my good nature.
My father passed away in 2004 , and well, I felt like a puppet without a master if it wasn't for my exwife who was very controlling and demanding! I have been fortunate to work with alpha males which appreciate my loyalty to them, and now also a great wife which I will hopefully live a happy life with.
So, I'm 41, I don't know who I am (except I believe I am a Christian!) and well I don't know where I am going. But I have an idea which came to me in a dream, to build a school/church in a 3rd world country! And I promise you I have never, and will never hit a defenceless woman or child because I know how that feels. I have a very dark sense of humor which gets me through the day and I can mirror anyone I am with - i.e. behave like they want me to behave which is great for work as I can relate to anyone. Sometimes I am happy sometimes sad, a bit bi-polar I think
And yes, there is more, but I think that is enough for now!
God Bless and thank you for reading!
<basic grammar edited by cherryblossom>
