30 Day Recovery Challenge

[Bree]

I've dropped this for awhile, cause things got hard. But I need more discipline, so I WILL stick with this.

Day 9 - Who do you look up to? Why?

Get ready for one of the weirdest lists of role models ever.

1) Leija turunen. She is the most loving, sexy and spiritual hippie-guru on this planet. I love Lejia, because despite society's expectations of her, she followed her heart's desire, and pursued an unconventional career. She's a spiritual consultant who helps the world using her psychic talents. Everyone told her she was crazy to pursue that career and that she'd get nowhere in life, but she has TONS of clients and is completely financially stable. On top of having her shit together and being a productive adult, she manages to keep a happy, silly outlook on life and still act like a kid. That's what I want to do. I want to go out there and kick ass as a successful adult, by excelling in a career I love, all while maintaining my childlike happiness. I don't understand how she does it. All the hard-working adults I encounter seem like they've had the happiness sucked right out of them.

2) Sasha Grey. Yes, I look up to an ex-porn star. She is intelligent and take-charge, which I think is obvious in her interviews. Sasha owns her sexuality and her kinky fantasies. She got into the business because she wanted to to explore her interest in BDSM- for her, porn wasn't about the money, it wasn't a way to get a drug fix. It was an avenue into self discovery. Sasha points out that if she truly enjoys what she's doing, then she is in no way, shape or form being degraded. Despite the haters, she wears her career choices and overt-sexuality with pride. I just wish I could have her strong attitude.

3) Amanda f*cking Palmer. She's a dramatic, musically talented, over-the-top feminist who doesn't give a f*ck if society thinks it's gross that she refuses to shave her body hair. OHMYGOD how can you just not love her? Plus she's married to Neil Gaiman.

4) Demi Lovato. I've never been big into the whole pop music scene, but when I started researching mental illness recovery, her name popped up a lot. So I started studying up on her. After awhile, I just simply fell in love. It's obvious in her interviews and in her documentary, that she gets it. For those of you who don't know, Demi suffers from self-harm, eating disorders, and bipolar disorder. She has experienced how getting out of bed can be a HUGE battle. She knows that all the therapy retreats and medications in the world won't ever completely fix mental illnesses. She's admitted that mental illness is a daily struggle. But she's determined to keep fighting, everyday. I love her for that. Plus, if you watch her music videos or listen to her music, especially the songs she's done about her mental illnesses, so, so much emotion comes through. I think she's beautiful and powerful.

4) Marceline the vampire queen. And yep, now I'm throwing in a God Damn Cartoon character. Marceline is a sexy punk-rock vampire chick off of a show called Adventure Time. She's sassy as hell, and not afraid to speak her mind. She completely devotes her life to her number one passion, which is music. I think that's pretty rad. I want the discipline to do that.

So in this list I have a hippie, an ex-porn star, an angry raging feminist who often pretends to be a conjoined twin, a pop star and a cartoon character. I'm afraid to think about how this list portrays me.

 

[Bree]

Crap, am I all by myself on this thread now? :O_o:

Sorry for ditching-out Alby. I'm going to stick with this now. Also, it kind of hit me hard how you ended your letter to your dad by saying you love him.

I was reading through my own letter to my mom, and it doesn't even TOUCH on all the abuse she really put me through, or all of the anger I actually feel towards her. As an abusive parent, she conditioned me to love and worship her. So much in fact, to the point where I can't even admit that I'm angry at her in a letter she's never going to see.

What's with that? Why can't children ever stop loving their abusive parents?

 

[The Albatross]

Bree, I had the unique opportunity to make peace with my father some years before he died... his last few years were pretty good ones with me except the blips and off moments I'd come to recognize was part of his mental illness. He led a pretty good life, for a flawed and abused person. He too was abused physically by his father.

I could have stopped loving him, but I made a choice. I chose to bear up and deal with the tough times and at times cruelty as an adult because I decided that he had a hand at teaching me many useful and needed life lessons to know. During self examination I realized he did the best he could. How he behaved himself outside of my family, was really none of my business.

It can pain me to hear his voice come out of my mouth or to be told by my mother that I am like him... but he had grit and some drive, and he was honest (as he saw it) to a fault. He was a mixed bag, just as I am a mixed bag. And I miss his candidness, he called it like he sees it without varnish. I came to really appreciate that as an adult.

 

[The Albatross]

Day 18 - Have you found a Higher Power (doesn’t have to be religious)? If so, what is it? If not, do you have any beliefs?

Yes I do. It serves me to give over troubles, anxieties, and worries to some one (though the concept of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are triune - three in one). It serves me to learn how to lead a life of self discipline and to aspire to attend more to my own character development and integrity than focus on what is unsatisfactory or ugly in my life. The holy book gives me a moral direction and many years to study. I honestly believe that it is beneficial to turn away from troubles and disturbances by turning toward something. What better thing to turn to than the tenents Jesus Christ, the embodiment of love that transcends personal suffering?

I had tried, on my own to recover without the concept of God... and it almost killed me. I chose to accept and believe that I am made to be one of His peculiar people. It has been much easier since returning to faith and endeavoring to lead a life based on spiritual principles and discipline.

 

[The Albatross]

3) Amanda f*cking Palmer.

I am an Amanda Palmer fan too... though some of her stuff is a bit to crass at times for this old bird. My favorites are "In My Mind", "Runs in the Family", "Coin Operated Boy", and (with the Dresden Dolls and since I'm from Southern California and was a beach kid) "Shores of California". If I was a young woman I'd want to emulate her to a good degree, she has moxie, vitality, and an "in your face" spirit. Shores of California reminds me of the people who hang out at the beach... quite a mixed bag. Also, "I Want You But I Don't Need You".

 

[Bree]

It's wonderful that you were given the chance to make peace with your father before he died. I hope for the same thing too, with my mom.

My mom also has a mental illness- she has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but that's a really touchy subject with her. She refuses to seek help for it. Whenever anyone mentions it, she scowls and says she doesn't believe in mental illness.

I'm able to acknowledge that a lot of the abuse she subjected me to stems from her bipolar. In addition to being bipolar, she herself was severely neglected when growing up, as well as abused. When she had me, she raised me in the only way she knew how- which just happened to be to neglect and abuse me. I'm not saying it right, but she honestly didn't know any better. I shouldn't blame her for the way I was brought up, when I know she was simply just doing the best she could, given what she had to work with.

But the thing is, I do blame her. I've recently discovered all this anger boiling beneath the surface that I've repressed for years and years. The other night I said that I hope she dies without either of her children ever coming back in her life, so she can feel how much of a failure she was to both of us (me and my little brother). That must have been the coldest thing I've ever said, and it shocked me, hearing the words coming out of my mouth.

I just feel all this hate and all this love (or what I think is love) for her, and it's making me sick and consuming me.

 

[Bree]

"Runs in the Family" and "Coin Operated Boy" are my favorites too. :) When I need to feel like someone relates to my deep self hatred and destructive tendencies, I listen to "Girl Anachronism." "Runs in the family" is one of my 'I'm messed up because my mom was messed up and I'm filled with rage over it' songs. While 'Do you swear to tell the truth' is probably my favorite song by her. I find it really empowering, and I listen to when I'm angry over my repeated tendency to let others completely control my life.

 

[Bree]

Day 10 - List 5 goals you have for yourself, short-term or long-term.

1) Practice yoga everyday, for the next 50 days. If I miss a day, then I must start all over. I have to learn discipline.
2) Get a job (If my parents will let me), and get on a schedule.
3) Finish out my classes for the semester that just past. (I had to file an incomplete in them due to my anxiety)
4) Meditate everyday for the next 50 days. Again, if I miss a day, then I must start all over.
5) Save up money so I can take the yoga teacher-training class.

 

[The Albatross]

Day 19 - What is the hardest thing you had to give up because of your disorder/addiction? Booze, my ex-husband (although that one is highly disputable as he was one of my worst abusers), my brother.

 

[The Albatross]

Day 20 - Where do you see yourself in 10 years? This is a difficult question because I don't think that far ahead. Older, grayer, hopefully reasonably healthy enough to work, same house, same town... but I am comfortable here.

I feel like I'm supposed to day something else. About recovery, but I'm really hoping I won't need to be in recovery by then.

 

[Bree]

Day 11 - What motivated you to enter recovery?

"“I don’t want to stay in the bad place, where no one believes in silver linings or love or happy endings.”
— Silver Linings Playbook

I'm stuck in that bad place right now. But maybe there's a way out. Just maybe.

 

[Bree]

Day 12 - What are 3 things you would like to change about yourself?

I spend all my time focusing on the things I hate about myself and what a horrible person I am. To the point where I've started to think everyone would be better off without me. Right now, there's only one thing I /really/ want to change about myself. I want to stop hating myself. I want to love myself completely unconditionally.