30 Day Recovery Challenge

[The Albatross]

Day 12 - What are 3 things you would like to change about yourself?

1. My ability to earn a higher wage.
2. My nicotine habit.
3. My sexual dysfunction/ difficulties with intimacy with my partner.

 

[The Albatross]

Day 13 - Have your struggles changed you? For better or worse? Why?

It's been a mixed bag, but ultimately for the better I think. I'm pretty sure. Why, is because I didn't have much hope in other people, I knew I had to be my own advocate, take charge as much as I could for my own life, and then figure out how to live a "generally satisfying life". I am okay but not joyful or some of the upper range emotions very often, okay is better than it was. I think though that my grandparents wouldn't recognize me very much from the little girl and young woman they new. It's not worse now. It's just a change.

 

[The Albatross]

Day 14 - Think about yourself one year ago, how have you changed?

More work hours, less anxiety and frustration, more tolerance. Better base starting point, waking up with a sense that it is "okay" more of the time. More acceptance of my health conditions and some relative peace with things as they are. Able to be face to face with other people for days at a time now instead of needing a shut down day or a few half days to just sit and be quiet.

Beat the depressive aspect (mostly). Less anxiety about traveling or being places alone. Some relational improvements too, but still not to great at the social aspect of things except with clients.

A few nightmares, and memories but nothing that put me into a full flash back. Less lost time (dissassociative type episodes) No suicidal urges and very few random suicidal thoughts.

I started a long term challenge of more than 2 years, to do 101 things in 1001 days. The longest goal setting challenge I have done in very many years. I am a bit more comfortable and reasonably confident in my short or mid range goal setting.

I'm better at stress management too and bounce back more quickly and with less consequences.

It has bumped up an notch, slowly and almost sometimes imperceptibly.

 

[The Albatross]

Day 15 - When you are triggered, what do you tell yourself to calm down?

"Why so downcast O my soul?" "Am I grounded firmly in the present?" "Is it real/valid right now in the present or is it an echo of the past that is disturbing me?" "Am I safe?" "Who am I right now? Am I a child, a teen, am I an adult?" "Am I in 2013 or am I in my past somewhere?" "Do I have the ability to effect any changes about this person/situation or was it random?" "What did I learn about myself or my environment today?" "Is there something I can do to reduce the stress/anxiety/fear/depression/panic/dis-associative type reaction?"

It reads weird, but basically it mostly goes about 75% of the time like that? The other 25% of the time it is still mostly a solid reactive state where I am not really in a position to "tell myself" anything for a while). Sometimes after being reactive I get shaming messages, and I have to refute the thoughts or weigh them against my "facts" before I can collect myself enough to get back to the nuts and bolts after a triggering person or situation or unexpected thing. Mostly unexpected things still cause me to trigger and I allow that there really is no "defense" for them. They will just pop up now and again, so I just try to minimize the damage or consequences of the trigger... sort of like trying to stay in the saddle of a bucking bronco until the reaction/horse calms.

It has become mostly a habit now to do some self examination, a reality check, a perceptual check, and to refute the shaming inner critic messaging after a triggering event. Like when I had a melt down after writing the letter to my dad during this challenge. Then frame up some plan/strategy or some goals/challenges to try to get some expansiveness or some improvement in the area that was illuminated by the trigger as best as I can determine what it was/where it came from.

I am learning to accept that I can go through the trigger, and pick myself up faster and get on with the business of living without rumination.

 

[The Albatross]

Crap, am I all by myself on this thread now? :O_o:

 

[KP the nut]

am I all by myself on this thread now

No, I'm reading. I'm just not in the mindset to do it yet.

You're doing great, you are my inspiration.

 

[The Albatross]

Thanks KP, I was starting to think I was all by myself in "public" muttering to myself like a nutter.

 

[KP the nut]

muttering to myself like a nutter

Absolutely nothing wrong with muttering to ones self. I do it all of the time. Oh, maybe I'm the nutter :p

 

[The Albatross]

Hey, we have PTSD... crazy (thankfully) is optional. ;)

 

[The Albatross]

Day 16 - List 5 things you are grateful for.

1. I am grateful to have a couple shorter commitments the next two days.
2. I am grateful for being able to carry an increased workload and put some money in savings.
3. I am grateful that I am in a relatively secure marital relationship and that I love my spouse.
4. I am grateful that I have access to information via the net to help myself continue to improve (techniques that are not in my town).
5. This is a silly one, today though I am grateful to my 6th grade chorus teacher Miss Flynn for teaching us "You'll Never Walk Alone" by Gerry & the Pacemakers (it plays in my head from time to time, and I woke up with it this morning). It is one of some of the more inspiring echos I actually have from my past.

 

[The Albatross]

Day 17 - What in your life has improved since you entered recovery?

Ugh. I read this question and my first thought is REALLY? I have to list all of them? Which is stupid because I don't have to list every thing that has improved in recovery if I don't want to. So I'll just rattle off some off the top of my head and get on with my day because I think I've been pretty candid elsewhere on the forum about it and personally, I can acknowledge that there have been many improvements... I am not planning on ending recovery in fact. At least not any time soon as I am making some progress, learning new things, and getting a better handle (for the most part) on:

Stress management

Frustration tolerance

Anxiety (reduction by disputing thoughts or redirection mostly)

Fear (both rational and irrational) acknowledgment and self assessment, sometimes challenges/goals to beat them when they pop up

Anger management

Resentments - mostly recognizing them and taking the actions necessary to think things through and resolve things as best as I can so I don't get stuck and can move on

Judgmental thinking patterns - shifting over to an attitude of gratitiude, patience, "other acceptance", thankfulness and where necessary forgiveness (cultivating a system that better serves me to move forward instead of being rigid in my thinking/perceptions)

Safe confrontation and communication skills

Deciding when to act or when to accept

Willingness to be open minded, honest and teachable

Collecting myself after particularly triggering or stressful people or situations (banishing rumination and cultivating resilience)

Medication free except for an allergy pill and an occasional lapse with alcohol (my bug-a-boo of choice for numbing out)

I re-engage and rebound faster after distressing events/people/situations (the "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again" thing instead of sitting on my ass isolated at home boozing and almost killing myself)

I don't isolate anymore

I have two part time jobs and am pulling between 30 and 48 hours a week consistently (which was a goal - 40 hours a week), so I can pretty much say I'm employable and can set my cap eventually at a more satisfying job when/if it pops up.

Improved general physical health and a better immune system (still beating my prognosis though I got a ways to go on this one)

Improved regulation (though still more inconsistent than I would like) of my thoughts and emotions

My inner critic doesn't yell at me anymore

No suicidal ideation or random suicidal thoughts for quite some time

Improved conflict resolution and a better approach at problem solving (getting some maturity where I was stunted)

Boundary setting and learning how to deal with the fact that "we teach people how to treat us"

Able to set and achieve goals of short/medium/long term (1 day up to 1 year), and am attempting a 1001 day challenge right now (building some confidence and some track tested planning/strategy and self actualizing skills)

Small improvement, but improvement none the less with relationships with my mother, mother-in-law and spouse

Less dis-associative type episodes, and mostly in my body

Learning how to sit with uncomfortable emotions for a while before I hit the self destruct button

Increased awareness of how my actions, choices, or communication affects others... and a desire to "do no harm" whenever possible

Understanding the value of a life based on spiritual principle, mentor-ships and mutual aid

Learning that self parenting can trump most of the messed up stuff I learned from my parents

Learning to give myself care and compassion as I would give others

Hmmm. I need to stop now because I might (if I haven't already) start repeating myself. I have hit the limit of things my brain can list without scrambling. Crap, I tried to turn on bullets... I couldn't do it so put spaces in instead.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. I didn't list substance abuse because I had already dealt with that before I dealt with my PTSD, though I forgot to say something about the benefit I learned about relapse prevention and "staying connected" to recovery groups.

I didn't put emotional regulation because I don't think I'm solid enough on that yet. When I reread this, I think I want to think more about what I didn't put on there... like I know that improvements on intimacy isn't one of them either.

P.S.S. Crap... as usual I can't get it in one or two posts because now my brain is hiccuping. It is saying that I didn't on the first post list "an improved sense of self worth" (which I find more beneficial than self esteem) and I didn't list "better confidence building by both continuing education and the natural progression of goal/challenge setting and achievement. Learning how to recognize and also to become a "safe person" too.

It also says I didn't list on the things I didn't put on there, body image. Now I really have to quit because I have fireworks going off in my brain... not anxiety or anything, it just makes it hard to think sometimes.