AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
I gave birth to a little girl. We knew 'something' was wrong, but had no clue of how horrible life would become. I can't and won't say that she 'ruined' my life, yet life turned completely turned around, and has never been the same.
When she was delivered, she came out limp as a ragdoll, and having seizure after seizure. The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck tightly and, after 5 hours of trying to get her to breathe on her own, she was taken to a children's hospital where she would stay for a month.
I remember 'hearing' in my head...a gavel...and 'God' saying "this is YOUR fault". I told myself I would never forgive myself, if something was wrong with her, all for leaving the church and smoking pot when I was younger.
I know now, that is was my upbringing, and my lifelong depression and self-hate talking. I do not believe in a God that punishes in that way. I let myself believe that for many years, finally realizing that I didn't have that kind of power over life and death.
I have come far, but with many losses along the way. A husband who had no way of understanding the depth of my anguish, and a little boy who needed a normal mother. My little Dina lived for 11 years, and blessed many people with her big smile and the sweetest hugs...if she liked you.
I was told she would never be more than a 'vegetable' but she proved them wrong. I have many stories of ways that she was able to show her intelligence. 'We just didn't understand HER language'. She couldn't speak, but she COULD communicate!
I can now say, even while still mourning her death, that she was and is, one of the greatest blessings of my life. It's a bit more real since I held my newborn granddaughter a couple weeks ago. I didn't expect to be hit so hard with these memories today. But, that is PTSD.
In 7 days, it will be the 19th anniversary of her death, or what I call....her 'graduation' to heaven. She had taught us what we needed to know, and she was set free of her wheelchair, braces, and could speak. She's probably still talking.
If I can make it through what I already have, then I know I can keep on keepin' on.
Thanks for taking the time to read my story. There is a lot more, but most of it sweet stories of how I came to believe she was a real angel in human form, and a profound gift.
When she was delivered, she came out limp as a ragdoll, and having seizure after seizure. The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck tightly and, after 5 hours of trying to get her to breathe on her own, she was taken to a children's hospital where she would stay for a month.
I remember 'hearing' in my head...a gavel...and 'God' saying "this is YOUR fault". I told myself I would never forgive myself, if something was wrong with her, all for leaving the church and smoking pot when I was younger.
I know now, that is was my upbringing, and my lifelong depression and self-hate talking. I do not believe in a God that punishes in that way. I let myself believe that for many years, finally realizing that I didn't have that kind of power over life and death.
I have come far, but with many losses along the way. A husband who had no way of understanding the depth of my anguish, and a little boy who needed a normal mother. My little Dina lived for 11 years, and blessed many people with her big smile and the sweetest hugs...if she liked you.
I was told she would never be more than a 'vegetable' but she proved them wrong. I have many stories of ways that she was able to show her intelligence. 'We just didn't understand HER language'. She couldn't speak, but she COULD communicate!
I can now say, even while still mourning her death, that she was and is, one of the greatest blessings of my life. It's a bit more real since I held my newborn granddaughter a couple weeks ago. I didn't expect to be hit so hard with these memories today. But, that is PTSD.
In 7 days, it will be the 19th anniversary of her death, or what I call....her 'graduation' to heaven. She had taught us what we needed to know, and she was set free of her wheelchair, braces, and could speak. She's probably still talking.
If I can make it through what I already have, then I know I can keep on keepin' on.
Thanks for taking the time to read my story. There is a lot more, but most of it sweet stories of how I came to believe she was a real angel in human form, and a profound gift.
