I took the whole day off and wish I hadn't.
I didnt really do anything I intended to get done.
I feel frozen and a little disconnected from everything. I feel the same as when I took 6 months off work, like I could stare out the window without moving for 10 years.
I dont have goals that go beyond a few months because it makes me tired to think past the next season. I've felt this way for at least five years. If I didnt have to push myself for my kids survival I know that I'd give up and live in a tent in the Sierras with a dog.
I honestly cant even remember what my plans for my life were when I left my old life. I just know that this wasn't my plan.
I feel like my memories are video playback of someone else's life, I know the woman well enough to guess her thoughts and feelings, but I was never her.
You cant change anything when you don't even know what you want and you dont know who you are, Im just tired. The only time I'm not tired is when I think something is funny or something is making me angry.
Thats why I wear a bluetooth thats not connected to anything so I can yell inapropriate and cruel things at bad drivers on the highway and they think Im just on the phone. I think its funny and Im enraged at the same time.