Oh
@Muttly please don't be so hard on yourself. :( :hug::hug:
@Anrish , not able 'for now'. And maybe you'll choose something you like even more? :hug::hug:
@C j , I think we'd surely get along in 3D :) . And thank you xoxox :hug:.
Dear
@JadesJewel well that is so sweet to say! Leaves me speechless. :wideeyed: And thank you. And hope your thyroid (meds?)= back on track. :hug::hug::hug: You are so dear. and kind :notworthy:
And hugs to
@Ronin @ladee @Recovery4Me @Lionheart777 @Heather @intothelight (-definitely not selfish!), and all, especially who need one. :hug::hug::hug:
Purposefully stopping long enough to write here, because normally I wouldn't, should be in the gratitude section but thankful for God, friends, Mass, a safe place to be and to let my worries down for a moment, beautiful day and sunshine, getting stuff done, moments of a feeling of hope and peacefulness. And my dear friend, -he's such a smart cookie! :) So I suppose for feeling less SI, too, because hope is not compatible with that.
A little bird was back same place, flies really low- my knee height- surely there must be a nest nearby? But then far away another one, and sat in a tree amidst traffic. :) Really tiny. :inlove:
It said white ladybug's are a sign of God's/ Blessed Virgin Mary's protection, hope, reconciling good and bad childhood memories, positive things. I could use all of the above!
It is right, to go back to the start. I knew that much because that was when I felt better. But what's been lacking on my part is an open heart. And too many voices, in my head also (though not literally).
Had such a beautiful day, and found a dock!!!:inlove:, even an impromptu Marriachi band :), bumped in to 2 friends. Was however interrupted by fears of my own making re: someone re:work- the friend above- wondered if I dangerously said too much?, and a relative that hung up on me because she had something better to do- change her sheets- wish she would just say that. Which is silly it hurt my feelings- I suppose click mid-stream 'feels' invalidating. In my head I think strange, what if it was our last concersation ever? Such a small thing, but painful, as it's ~all like that, just-invisible?-Idk? But better than rage.
However, it all reminded me to try to hold tight to what I just heard, and I remember before when it was so very bad (but I was doing better) doing that, and repeating something (words) that gve me hope in lousy moments (instead). I think more a 'healthy-tunnel-vision'?, to get through. I've been trying to get back there but the open-ness/ trust was missing. And too many voices/ distractions/ thoughts.
Really shocked to feel good/ peaceful/ safe for a few moments. :notworthy: :)
I hope to start again this way.
Oh! Was thinking I need a string to find my way back like that fairy-tale or whatever it was, and immediately found a long bright pink one all rolled up. :happy: Really. :laugh: And a bright blue rock.
Hugs to all, xox.
ETA, I also realize I said 'love you!' to a woman today (one of the friends above- friend-ish - out of fear. Which is not good- love and mistrust aren't good together. I mean, you can give love to someone you can't trust, but you can ever feel safe when you can't trust them. Which isn't really compatible with how it should be, to say 'love you', or rather 'why' I did (with her). :(
I think I should stop worrying about talking to her, that was what preceeded the hang up too, which I wanted to ask about (mutual 'friend'- 'ish'. :( ) I think I live feeling constant danger/ the axe going to drop. I wish I had the free-ness of that little bird!
