5 Year Anniversary : Terror Attack

[Renly]

EMDR has helped me the most in reprocessing and putting old memories to rest…my logical brain knows the trauma is in the past, but when triggered my primal brain/nervous system thinks it’s happening NOW. EMDR bridges the gap. I would recommend finding a trauma therapist who can help you. I’m sorry you’ve been struggling. It can be so difficult and isolating. Sending lots of support your way as you continue on your healing journey.

 

[Eliza]

EMDR has helped me the most in reprocessing and putting old memories to rest…

I was referred for this, but by the time it came around, it was the middle of lockdown and I was staying with my parents in a tiny, safe, little village, so I didn’t feel the need to take them up on it. They said if I ever need it in future, I can skip the assessment and go straight in with the EMDR, but I’m hoping this is just a blip because of the anniversary. So I’ve not gone back to them yet. But if these feelings hang around for more than the next couple of weeks, I’ll put myself back on the list. I think my trauma is all muddled because I’d been in a horrific car accident not long before it, and from what I read, EMDR would help to straighten those memories out. So I’m absolutely keeping it in mind as a possibility.

 

[Friday]

But I don't want to admit that talking about it is horrendously triggering because it was 5 years ago so I feel like I should be over it.

“It’s not something I like to talk about.”

You could be 100% asymptomatic, trauma totally processed, and still not care to discuss topics A-Z with anyone, at any time. Whether that’s trauma in general, a specific trauma, who you voted for, what sexual positions you like the most, gossip, religion, your banking details, whatever.

You are allowed your privacy. Across whatever areas you yourself choose.

Other people being interested in any area that you consider private? Or simply inappropriate for the time & place? Or even about something you usually enjoy talking about? Does. Not. Obligate. You. Their interest is just that. Theirs.

I get the impulse of pretending/acting as if… especially whilst dealing with / fighting against the Avoidance aspect of trauma/PTSD. But? The flaw in that logic is that things you actually ARE over? Or even eyeballs deep in? Are not all fair game for public discourse. They just aren’t. No one else has a right to your stories, your thoughts/feelings, you or your life. Those are things we have the right grant others access to. Not that they have the right to demand.

Of course, that doesn’t stop people from being illmannered; but that also makes them far less likely to gain any traction with me.

 

[Eliza]

Other people being interested in any area that you consider private? Or simply inappropriate for the time & place? Or even about something you usually enjoy talking about? Does. Not. Obligate. You. Their interest is just that. Theirs.

It's a weird one, because most trauma, people wouldn't dream of asking about. But I think because it's something that's in the news means its fair game for being asked about. Even people who are usually really kind and sensitive have asked me what I actually saw. I need to get better at just telling people I don't want to talk about it.

 

[Eliza]

UPDATE:
I was meant to go into London on Sunday for this musical theatre club thing that I really really enjoy. But I had such a panic attack the night before, I couldn't bring myself to go. I was utterly convinced that something bad was going to happen, so I had to tell them I had covid symptoms and couldn't go.
I'm gutted because it's something I usually love going to. But it was just too soon. It's once a month, so I'm aiming to go next month instead. I don't want going into London to become a massive issue, but at the moment it's starting to get that way.

 

[Friday]

I'm gutted because it's something I usually love going to. But it was just too soon. It's once a month, so I'm aiming to go next month instead. I don't want going into London to become a massive issue, but at the moment it's starting to get that way.

If it becomes a pattern in my life, rather than a one-off &/or caused by other things going on? I usually change the rules.

For example, half the fun of the musical theatre club may be going into London WITH my friends. But? If I’m such a hot mess before leaving that’s impossible… I’d rather mis out on half the fun than all the fun… so I might go into the city on my own a day or two in advance to shake the kinks out. IE melt down (and deal with it) in private, meet up, & travel home together. I might need to do that a couple few times to make the entire prospect smooth & easy… but once I have? Voila! All the fun is now back.

And that’s just one of half a dozen or a dozen different options to shift things about to keep the stuff I value in my life, whilst working around / Minimizing the challenges/obstacles.

***
So if it’s a stress cup / anniversary thing, I wouldn’t really worry (until next year, if/when I want to start working on anniversaries & stress cup stuff)… no more than if I ate a dodgy prawn, or woke up with a fever from the cold/flu and had to stay home. Yes, it happens. Yes, it’s disappointing to miss out. No, I’m not really needing to change anything. These things do happen.

But if it’s a pattern? That makes it predictable. Which gives me options.