I did look into EMDR, but the nearest therapist to me charges £50 per session, and I'm struggling to get a GP appointment to try and get a referral as they don't have any early appointments until the end of next week. I'm feeling a little better today though - I think I'm finally managing to process the memories as the thoughts are appearing as thoughts rather than flashbacks, which is slightly easier to deal with.
This week has been an anxious one. I'm not sure if it's the PTSD that's been bothering me, the seasonal affective disorder, or the fact that I can't seem to get EMDR anywhere.
I went to the cinema last night, which cheered me up a bit. The fact I am making plans and socialising I think is a positive thing.
I'm also seeing my mum today, and I want to speak to her about the EMDR and get her opinion (and/or borrow some money to pay for it!). But she's with her friends, and it's a bit of a day out for them, so it might be more difficult.
I've also been having passive suicidal ideation, which I only just found out was a thing, thanks to another post I made in here. But I also feel like I can't talk to anyone in real life about it, because they will think I'm actively suicidal and start worrying or treating me differently.
I am really struggling to find an EMDR specialist in my area. Even in London, the only ones available seem to be private practices and would mean taking several hours out of work to get there, which is extremely frustrating. I'm going to speak to my GP tomorrow, but I'm not sure she will be much more help.
Currently absolutely exhausted. Everything feels heavy.
I had a nice day yesterday and didn't want to ruin it by telling my mum how much I've been struggling. I also had a nice weekend spending time with friends, and whilst I am aware that these are positive things, they have very much exhausted me and I feel like I need a day in bed to recover.
I'm back to therapy tonight, but last week made me feel so much worse, so I'm really fretting about this week's session, and also just really want an evening at home.
I'm being really unproductive at work, which really isn't great. But I don't have the mental energy to focus on anything at the moment. Even scrolling through Facebook or reading lighthearted articles is proving too taxing. I'm exhausted, but also restless and unable to focus. I think the fact it is so dark outside also isn't helping. I've been taking vitamin D and trying to use a light box when I can, but it's not proving massively helpful.
Actually had a really productive therapy session yesterday, even though I was dreading it. He said the fact I had been feeling low, and having a higher level of anxiety than normal is because I was actually starting to allow myself to have feelings about the trauma, rather than putting it in a little box and then it only escaping through intense and horrible flashbacks. So I am actually starting to process it.
He also said it was positive that I was starting to talk about how I feel, rather than how I thought. Which is positive, as I am quite a perfectionist, and I have a habit of intellectualising everything, which is part of the reason that CBT hasn't worked on me, because I was so concerned about learning everything and getting it right, it almost made me worse.
Unfortunately I only have one more session funded through my employer, which is really frustrating, just as I am starting to make breakthroughs. So it will mean being added to an NHS waiting list, which could take weeks or more likely, months. And they pretty much only refer for CBT, even though it is clear that CBT hasn't worked, and psychodynamic therapy or EMDR should be the way forward.
I had a terrible flashback this morning. It came out of the blue and hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasnt even thinking about anything in particular. Just watching the sunrise. Reminded me a little of the sunris in the 3rd world country i grew up in. That’s where a lot of my trauma happened. It was very heavy because it brought back memories that i had disociated. The memories came back in detail and i could even feel the physical as well as emotional pain that i went through at that time. It was like it was actually happening again and i was a little girl again. Please anybody help! I dont know what trigerred this or how to keep it from happening, how to predict when this will happen?! How to stop it!? Cope with it?!
This happens to me too...I call them my bubbles. I'm going along ladeda and WHAM! Horrible memory/flashback. I just have to ride it out - hopefully somewhere quiet, keep reminding myself it's a memory, do my grounding stuff, then write it all down and go over it with t at our next meet.
some times I can track it backwards and figure out the trigger....sometimes not.
sorry I don't have any better advice but hopefully it helps to know it's not just you. :hug:
This is what happened to me a few weeks ago, my therapist taught me a pretty good technique, which was to look around whatever room you are in and try to notice one thing about the room that you had never noticed before. This can bring you back to the present, and then to cope with the panic that comes with it - sit upright with your hands in your lap, and try to relax them. And then do something called rectangular breathing, when you breathe out for longer than you breath in. As if you are drawing a rectangle in your head - the shorter sides are breathing in, and the longer sides are breathing out.
Do you have a therapist? I have found mine to be really helpful so far. It's difficult digging up old feelings and memories, but so far it has proven really helpful.
I went to see my doctor today. They have put me on anti-depressants. I have tried to avoid being on medication as I am already on two different anti-epileptic medications and I don't want to have to be on even more. But they said it would likely be a long wait for therapy, and I might not even be able to get EMDR. So it's a bit frustrating, but I do understand. It's just hard to have made a breakthrough and then have to wait again.