We had a fire alarm go off at work yesterday, and because I work at a big tourist attraction my immediate thoughts were, "A bomb has gone off" or "There's a massive fire and we're all going to die."
I'm feeling at a loss at work at the moment. I want to move up into management, but any kind of management role would require training on dealing with emergencies - bomb threats etc. And I find it all incredibly triggering.
My boss pointed out today that I am looking sad. I don't want to tell her that the PTSD is still bothering me, and still affecting me, as I don't want her to think I'm going to be triggered at any moment. I just told her I felt at a bit of a loss. I moved recently to be nearer work, but I'm realising that it may have been a mistake, as I'm not sure I want to stay in this job. But I don't live in London where all the good jobs are anymore. Whatever job I end up doing I'm going to have to start at the bottom again.
I am so exhausted. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. We had a work party at the weekend, and I felt on edge the entire time. I am just so fed up of feeling like something terrible is going to happen constantly.
I've also realised a lot of people in my friendship group don't actually ask how I am. Or at least they don't ask it in the context of them actually caring. It's very much, "Alright?" rather than, "How are you doing?" I've had a really rough morning, and nobody actually asked how I was, even though the people I was sat with are supposed to be some of my closest friends. I know I could have easily said, "I've had a rough morning", but I find that really hard to do when people are in the middle of talking about themselves. Not all of my friendships are like this, but I'm realising there are several that are very one sided.
A member of our team has been in a serious car crash recently, which brought back a lot of memories from my own crash a few years ago, and several people have mentioned mine - asking about the aftermath and whether I still suffer from my injuries (I do).
The colleague who keeps asking about the terror attack is the same one who keeps going on about my accident. She loves a bit of drama, and it honestly makes me so angry.
I'm worried the NHS are going to fob me off with more CBT. It hasn't worked for me so far.
I'm so nervous about having to talk through it all again. The attack in Streatham this weekend has triggered me massively. And then people talking about it has made it harder. I just don't think I have the energy to fight for different treatment. I'm not even sure I have the energy to go through the usual questionnaires "In the last two weeks have you felt down/felt anxious etc etc etc"
I wanted to talk to my mum about it. But her and my dad are having their own issues at the moment, so I don't want to pile this on them. But equally, I feel guilty because I feel like I'm keeping a secret from her and we've always been open with each other.
I've been put on an 18 week waiting list for EMDR therapy. Not ideal. But at least they're offering it now, rather than fobbing me off, or offering yet another round of CBT.
Today there was someone at work (the usual nosy, gossipy woman) who was talking about suicide. It started off with a discussion about Dignitas in Switzerland. And then got on to "How would you do it?" and she then spent ages talking about different methods. Every time I tried to change the subject it was, "But how would you do it though?" and the pros and cons of each method. She also said many times that she wouldn't do it - and she never would. But then kept saying hypothetically - how would you do it? The woman has got the tact of a charging rhino.
She KNOWS my mental health has been bad - and she even knew I'd gone to a mental health appointment yesterday. I told her I had lost friends to suicide. And she still goes on about it.
I love my job. But she is making it really difficult. And her and my boss are really good friends, so I don't want tell my boss about it.
I don't think she means it maliciously, I just think she's incredibly tactless. But I'm feeling at a loose end. I don't know what to do, because I have to work with this woman pretty much every day and she is making life really hard.
Just found out a group of my friends went to the theatre without me.
One of my friends mentioned that she went, "With the gang"
I always thought I was part of the "gang" but I never get invited to these things.
It's not great for the old self esteem, when I already hate myself and feel like I'm worthless, and I now realise that even my friends aren't that interested.
I could literally fall off the face of the planet and I don't think anyone would care or miss me. I feel so alone. I think people are fed up of hearing about me and my PTSD, and are sick of me being down all the time.
People were interested when they thought they could find out gory details from the attack. But since then, it's pretty much old news and I feel so alone and like nobody understands or even cares.
I finally told my mum about the PTSD last night. I'd been putting it off because there are a few issues going on with my dad at the moment. But last night I spoke to a friend because I just felt like everything was getting worse and worse, and she advised me to tell my mum. So I called her at 10 o'clock last night and ended up talking until gone midnight. I feel a lot better for it - just a little drained today.
My mum was incredibly supportive. I feel so much better having told her. She said she knew something has been wrong for weeks, but didn't want to push the subject.
On Friday I got in touch with a charity that helps victims of crime. I didn't want to approach them before as I saw myself as a witness, not a victim. But they consider witnesses as victims too.
Hopefully they will get back to me this week, as I feel like I just keep hitting dead ends with getting help and I just feel so down all the time now.
Tiny things keep bothering me and I'm taking tiny criticisms to heart, and it's really starting to affect my work.
The psychologist told me to write down how I feel. I wanted to write it in a notebook, fully as myself, rather than the pseudonym I use on here, but I'm scared of someone finding it and realising just how bad I feel.
I just feel like a tiny thing could lead me to stepping in front of a bus or train. I always thought that I would never do that, but I feel like I am getting closer and closer. The thoughts of how much my family and friends would miss me are getting smaller and more distant, and the thoughts of how much better it would be if I wasn't putting up with this pain anymore.
I'm finding myself wishing there was something physical wrong with me. Some physical reason for the pain I'm in. It's not even just because of how people view physical health versus mental health. It's because I feel weak at the moment. I feel like I should be over this but it's only getting worse.