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Sufferer 5 Years After Accident

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Alysia887

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Hi my name is Alysia and I am 28 years old. Five years whom on 7/3/10 me and a friend were hanging out at a house she was currently staying at as a house sitter while the family was out of town. It was a large property with a lot of land bordered by a creek. They had a pool, hammock and ATV's we could ride. I was really excited about the ATV's because I had never driven one and wanted to. We were supposed to both ride one as they had 4, but strangely only one was working that day. So she let me go off on my own, with specific instructions of only staying on the clearly marked paths. I remember grabbing a helmet, but putting it down thinking it was stupid, what could happen? I drove around the paths for about 10 minutes, just enjoying the ride. I was on my last pass when I saw a path that was slightly overgrown, but you could tell it had once been part of the paths. I don't know why I choose to go. I guess it was just being immature and thinking I was invincible. I turned down the path and the next thing I know I was driving through hrs
As taller than me. I kept going thinking it would just lead me out back onto the oath, forgetting about the creek.

I remember the impact and then feeling airborne. The next thing I remember is standing in water up to my shins, confused and not able to hear. It was like that scene from Saving Private Ryan, where it's all slow motion but I could hear nothing. I felt a strange sensation on my forehead, and when I went to go and touch it I put my hand inside a gaping hole and blood began to pour out. Suddenly sound came back, and it was so loud with the ATV still on in the water. I knew I had to get help, I was literally choking on the amount of blood that was streaming down my face. I remembered to turn off the ATV (shock is a wonderful thing) and began walking in the creek trying to find somewhere I could climb up to get out. I remember spitting out chunks of blood and trying to keep it from getting in my eyes. I walked for what felt like forever, calling my friends name. I knew, in some deep primal part of myself, that if I didn't get help fast I would pass out in that water and die. Finally I found a spot where I could crawl up, and after a few tries I was successful. My friend found me and said at first she thought it was a joke because I looked like a horror movie victim covered in that much blood.

She called 911 and an ambulance came to get me. I had split open my forehead from my eyebrow to past my hairline. They stopped counting how many stitches they put in after 100, but it took two doctors two hours to complete it. The pain that first week was indescribable, as my face swelled to twice the normal size. Plus I had to live with an infection that was difficult for the doctors to cure.

At first everyone was so thankful I was alive. Everyone wanted to hear the story. I think I was in the "honeymoon" period where I was just happy to be alive. If I had been knocked out on impact I would've drowned. It's shocking that I didn't. But then people stopped talking about it, they moved on... But I couldn't. It's all I thought about. I relived every moment, tried to piece together why this happened to me, why I was now stuck with a scar for the rest of my life. I was obsess with death. I asked my family where they would have buried me, what church they would have used, what funeral home and what picture they would have used for my obituary. Things I had never thought of before. I became obsessed with looking up other ATV accidents, why had they survived but I had not? What made me worthy?

And then the flashbacks started. Driving by a spot with high grass, a creek, seeing the place we had ate lunch at that day. It would all bring me back.

It's been a long 5 years trying to figure out why I lived. I haven't quite figured it out. The flashbacks are seldom now, only one in the last two years. I live daily with the reminder of what happened since I have a scar on my forehead for the rest of my life. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD about a year after the accident.

Maybe one day I can say I lived because of "blank" but right now I just live each day. I now know how fragile life is, how it can change in the blink of an eye.

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So sorry you went through this. I think it's true for all of us with PTSD that everyone seems to move on but we are stuck reliving it again and again. You have come to a great place though and people here will understand that. It's part of the disorder. I am not saying your ptsd can't go into remission because it can. I am saying that I understand how you feel and I hope you find support here.
 
Oh you poor thing!!!! How horrible and terrifying to be out there trying to find your friends while injured!!! PTSD can happen from all kinds of experiences and I hope you find lots of helpful information and support here. I have. Take care and welcome!
 
@Alysia887 Welcome to the forum! :)

Rest assured that many of the things you are experiencing are perfectly normal responses to trauma and unless someone has experienced that and has PTSD, it is really hard, if not impossible for them to understand. That is the great thing about this forum is the members here really do get it.

Are you currently see a trauma therapist? Therapy can be very helpful in processing some of the memories and at the least reducing the flashbacks. The other questions as to why you survived and what the meaning of that was are harder to answer. Those answers (yes they can change) come with time and our own searching.

I hope you find this forum helpful.
 
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