Relationship A battle between head and heart

[RN_Loving_A_Vet]

Over the past few weeks, since I noticed the change in my guy, I have felt as though I have been in the middle of a battle between my head my heart. Due to my love of school and furthering my education, I've become a very analytical and "logical" thinker. But I've begun to realize over this past week, the first week of our breakup, that there is no logic behind this. Perhaps an explanation, but no logic in the sense that it happened for this one specific reason. So how do I fight off those analytical and seemingly pessimistic thoughts? We continue to talk every day. The conversation is very different but I love you is still very much the same. I've had moments where I wanted to run for the hills because I feel very weak and defeated on a daily basis. But then I think, how could I ever abandon this man I love so much? And then I think, well wait, he abandoned you. This constant battle within myself, is it a forever battle? Is there a clearing on the horizon? I've been asked so many times already, how long do you wait? How much time do you give him? I don't have the answer but I sure wish I knew for certain that I won't have a forever to wait to once again be close to the man I love.
What worries me is I am becoming impatient, annoyed, frustrated and angry. I am also experiencing a heightened sensitivity to this idea I created that perhaps he will meet someone else while keeping me at a distance. I do not typically share these feelings with him because I can only imagine the feelings he deals with alone. But I mentioned once my concern about him meeting someone new and that did not go over well. In an instant he snapped, became angry, and told me to knock it off and that I needed to stop thinking about the worst possible outcomes. Am I alone in feeling that way? Was I a fool for bringing it up? Did he snap because of a defense mechanism or did he snap because of his PTSD? So many questions, so many thoughts. My only solace is coming here and knowing he does love me. But when does it become "enough" or "too much"? Or is that up to me?

 

[Snowflakes]

Or is that up to me?

In my experience, your question is your answer. I have learned here that we do not have the power to fix our sufferer, they have to learn to manage their PTSD themselves. We cannot help our sufferer to heal, we can only support them by being there.

When does it become “to much”? Only you know how much you can take. I lived with my sufferer for 10 years till I arrived here over a year ago at the end of my rope. It would take me a year to learn, then practice, the coping skills to be a good supporter. It took me a year to believe that love does not conquer all and that I didn’t have the power to help my sufferer. Today, there is calm in my life. Oh, there are still bad days from her being symptomatic but I have good coping skills now and my sufferer is in active therapy learning how to manage her illness.

Take care of you.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it would help to stop using a polarizing word such as abandonment. He didn’t abandon you and you didn’t abandon him.

 

[Freida]

Wow - my hubby could have written that. he is super analytical -- and me? Me? Not so much. So it is really hard for him to understand the uncertainty of ptsd sometimes.
His thoughts process: Find Problem - Find Solution - Fix Problem
My thought process: .... Is there a problem? Fix problem Find Problem Ignore Problem Think About Fixing Problem There is No Problem Fix Part of Problem Find Different Problem oh look -- cake!

One think I see a lot in supporters is that they are looking for a beginning, middle and end. But PTSD doesn't work like that. My brain can cycle thru 14 problems, 8 solutions and 16 ways to cope --- and the result is isolation if I can't handle it. It's like squirrels on crack at a rave..... all over the place. So settling down and finding one thing to work on is way harder than you would think.

But I mentioned once my concern about him meeting someone new and that did not go over well. In an instant he snapped, became angry, and told me to knock it off and that I needed to stop thinking about the worst possible outcomes.

This is a war zone phrase. As in - hubby makes a comment like this to me and it's on. And I will win - because I can go straight to sarcastic bitch in no time flat - and when I'm triggered I don't even try to think about not going there.
These are conversations you have in the good times, when he can actually be a part of it. Never in an isolation phase.

When is it enough? When you are done dealing with it. Because while we can get better with therapy, it never goes away. I will always isolate, be bitchy, be unreasonable, be in therapy, disrupt our lives. Hubby has to decide if the good times outweigh the bad. And yes - we know that at some point you may up and bail on us because we are too hard to live with. But we can't change the nature of ptsd. Which sucks

 

[anon1234]

I actually went to a therapist myself. I learned that a lot of my anxiety and impatience stemmed from issues that were not anything to do with my partner. He triggered me into a state of heightened anxiety and it wasn't good for either of us.

During a period of isolation, I took time to work on my responses and emotional reactions to events. If we don't stay together, I still have these tools to equip me with day to day life in a way I didn't before.

I also read the PTSD relationship book that antony posted at the top of the Supporter Discussion forum. It is really worth it if you are able to get your hands on it.

Take a day to read it, it also has exercises that help you understand your responses and see things from the sufferer side.

Third and last one!! Meditation. I meditate a LOT.

 

[anon1234]

And yes - we know that at some point you may up and bail on us

Yep - before I knew about PTSD, I confused about the signals I was getting, so I said I wanted to talk because I couldn't handle all the hot and cold anymore... all he heard was that I couldn't handle it.

OH BOY. Was that a bad thing to do. I only wanted to talk, I wanted to understand. He interpreted it as a signal I was done with him. The damage was done.

I am still working on rebuilding trust.

Ultimately, be careful what you say to someone who is symptomatic. Now you know what he is dealing with and are equipped with the knowledge I did not have, be careful about saying anything about this relationship ending, if you don't want it to.

OK, that's me done. Sorry for so many posts :locktopic:

 

[OrangeJulius]

This constant battle within myself, is it a forever battle? Is there a clearing on the horizon?

In my experience, during isolation, yes, it is constant. But, you get better at it. He will stop isolating eventually and everything will be wonderful again and you'll think how silly you were for letting your mind go there during isolation. But isolation sucks. It feels like nothing will ever change. Normal things you would do or say that he would react well to or laugh at are suddenly off limits. And figuring that type of stuff out is what you'll get better at with time and experience to make it easier down the line.

how long do you wait? How much time do you give him?

That is up to you. That is a personal decision. How much time would YOU trade for him?

and that did not go over well

Was I a fool for bringing it up?

Unfortuantely, the times you want to talk about issues like that the MOST are the exact same times they are most incapable of discussing such things. This is a good thing to write down for a future discussion when he's no longer isolating. He is not capable of seeing where you're coming from right now. No matter how logical the train of thought and your presentation of it to him. He will not hear it how you think/say it. You're not a fool. You're trying to understand. Unfortunately he is not capable of helping you with that until his isolation period is over.

Example: I hate cleaning the bathroom so I never do it. My honey cleans it. Never had a discussion about it, it just sort of happened. I take care of the kitchen, he does the bathroom, and we are about 50/50 on the rest of the house. He hadn't cleaned the bathroom in a while and it was getting gross. Right when it was starting to get gross he went into a month long isolation. I intended at various times to clean it, but I hate it, so I would do the rest of the house first and then be too tired to clean it. And I was also hoping that this would be the week he'd "come back to me" (as I like to call it) and clean it for me. So in the meantime, he was doing a little better and I guess his buddy wanted to come over and hang out....by this point the bathroom is GROSS. And so he told him no, I don't want to hang out. Later that day I got an earful about how unacceptable it is that our bathroom is so gross (he's not allowed to yell at me, so he says all of this very calmly). He told me he has social anxiety and here was an opportunity for him to socialize and he had to say no because the bathroom was embarrassingly dirty and he didn't want his friend to see it....Now, was I incredibly offended about this notion that this was somehow my doing? Yes. But did I engage him and point it out to him? No. Could he have told his friend to come over in a hour and then clean it before he arrived? Yes. Could he have gone over to his friend's house? Yes. Could they have met for lunch somewhere neutral? Yes. Could they have planned a different day? yes. BUT...he is unreasonable. He cannot see any of that, even if I point it out. He's decided that my ineptitutde at keeping our bathroom clean is why he didn't see his friend that day. Now....think about that level of being unreasonable about some hair on the floor and toothpaste in the sink....and try talking to that person about them going off and meeting someone. They will not hear it how you say it.

when does it become "enough" or "too much"? Or is that up to me?

Again, this is up to you. For me, I gave myself permission long ago to walk away. It was very freeing. During isolation I am there because I choose to be, not because I told him I would be and now have to say true to my word.

In our most recent discussion about his PTSD, I just lost it...I was ugly crying. I never wanted him to see how affected I am because I feel like that makes it worse for him. But he was in a good place and able to handle it thankfully. And he gave me permission to leave too. It felt nice that we were on the same page. And I started bawling more...not because I felt relieved....but because I could feel all the love he has for me....he was putting me and my wellbeing above his own. Why would I walk away from a man that does that? Anyways...my point: I am not much of a planner. I am more of an in-the-moment kind of girl. I am the type that thinks its never to late to do something and to do what works for you in the moment. So, I do what works for me in the moment. I don't believe in finalities. So, on the one hand, I have committed to him for life. On the other, if it ever ISN'T working for me anymore (because things and people DO change and that's NOT a bad thing)...we have both given me permission to walk away. In the meantime, we have a really great life that I can't see myself ever walking away from. I don't know if that helps you at all, but that's how I deal with that particular issue.

 

[RN_Loving_A_Vet]

@Snowflakes

It is true that we cannot "fix" our sufferer and I have come to terms with that. While I can be here to support him, he is the only one who take the steps to help himself.
Bless you for your commitment. I am beginning to truly understand that it is up to me how long I can wait and how much could be too much. I realize now more than ever that their is no expiration date for the love I feel for my Vet nor for the love he feels for me. I want to be his supporter and I have to be that on his terms.

Take Care!!

 

[RN_Loving_A_Vet]

@EveHarrington

You are right. That is a term I should erase from my vocabulary. There has not been an abandonment because we are both still here.

 

[RN_Loving_A_Vet]

@Freida @anon1234 @OrangeJulius

I wanted to take a moment to thank the three of you for taking time to speak up in response to my post. I am in absolute awe of the messages you left because they are so full of care, compassion, respect, encouragement and hope. I want to take the time to respond to each of you but I am on a stretch of overnight shifts at the hospital. But I will be taking the time to respond because you each deserve my time and effort. For now, I just want you to know you are appreciated and I cannot thank you enough. And that goes for everyone who has continuously taken time to reach out to me. I feel I'd be lost without your kindness.

 

[Hojay]

I just wanted to add a few thoughts. Some of what you describe echoes my experience. I'm not sure if it's helpful, but here I go...

I'm also a highly analytical, logical person and very inclined to intellectualize the heck out of whatever I'm experiencing. My go-to response to my partner's behavior (from isolation to erratic break-ups, threatened break-ups, lashing out, etc.) has been to delve deep and figure out why he was doing what he was doing. Between this forum, reading books, and everything in between, I amassed tones of information on what may be going on behind the scenes for him, along with all sorts of reasons why, explanations, prospects for the future, guidelines, etc.

Did it help to learn more about what PTSD does to a person and their relationships? Sure. Did it make me feel better about what was happening? Not in the slightest.

Turns out, for me, my eagerness to understand was nothing more than a way to try and control an uncontrollable situation by grasping it intellectually, molding my behavior accordingly, and yielding more and more. In fact, the more I learned and understood, the worse I started to feel; the more resentful, angry, hopeless, and exhausted I became.

While learning the basics about PTSD were a life saver (giving space, listening and communication skills, triggering situations etc.), too much knowledge seemed to have the exact inverse effect. Focusing on WHY he was doing what he was doing was a way to mask how his behavior FELT to ME. Most importantly, knowing why was always a handy excuse to live in denial about how much I hurt, how unacceptable I thought some behaviors were, and how disparate the gap was between the relationship I wanted and what I was actually living.

So I stopped asking why. I stopped intellectualizing, researching, investigating. Cold turkey, no more enabling denial by getting a PhD in PTSD. Instead, I started focusing on how I FELT and acted, communicated, and set up boundaries accordingly, regardless of all the explanations (excuses?) I had for his behavior. It's been somewhat akin to radical acceptance. Radically accepting what is, as well as my feelings about it.

It hasn't been without conflict, but my relationship has improved dramatically. While I'm no longer busy denying my feelings and having them break loose gremlin-like and at terrible moments, he's learning to accept my feelings and limits and do his part.

This may be a battle between your head and your heart. It may be a battle between your empathy for him (understanding what he's going through) and empathy for yourself (allowing yourself to be pissed, angry, hurt, disappointed, exhausted, heartbroken) and the logical consequences of those feelings.

All of the above is why I think that...

This...

And then I think, well wait, he abandoned you.

...is not too strong of a word. If you feel abandoned, you feel abandoned. It doesn't matter if all the reasons WHY he abandoned you are textbook PTSD, he left, you feel abandoned. That's a strong feeling, legitimate, and one to pay attention to.

...and why this...

What worries me is I am becoming impatient, annoyed, frustrated and angry.

...shouldn't worry you. Anyone in their right minds would become impatient, annoyed, frustrated, and angry going through what we've gone through with our partners. To deny that or think it's misplaced because we think we don't have the right (due to PTSD) is not only misguided, it keeps us in a loop of codependency. Those emotions are important, listen to them. Whatever consequences arise from actually letting yourself feel these things is to be determined, but to make a choice, you need to feel it.

...and this...

I am also experiencing a heightened sensitivity to this idea I created that perhaps he will meet someone else while keeping me at a distance.

...is another thing to listen to. Worrying about this isn't misplaced. It's a sign that your sense of security and trust has experienced a blow. That's a legitimate feeling to have. Where to go with this fear and anxiety is a different story, but we can't fully process emotions and slot them in appropriately if we judge ourselves and/or deny that we have them in the first place.

None of this is an answer to when "enough is enough" or "how long to wait," but it might be a nudge to let your head catch up with how you truly feel--the first step to knowing when it's time to bow out.

Long-winded here, as ever. Hugs to you if you accept, none of this is easy.

 

[Freida]

@Hojay you are brilliant!