General A Bit Of A Vent I Suppose

[Bilby]

I feel quite lonely at the moment, and sad.

With my husband in hospital for his PTSD, the house doesn't kind of feel like a home without him in it - even though things were difficult. Our nearly 4 month old son is here, and of course the dog, but I miss my older kids too - they're currently at their Dads.

I feel really tired and feel like the strain of having to manage everything as I feel I have had to do for such a long time, is taking it's toll. I feel like I have so many balls to juggle and I'm not allowed to drop one.

When do I get looked after? When do I get some help? When can I say how I feel? It's as though no one understands that I may find his absence difficult, or that I may need a support person - someone to be there for me.

I felt really upset last night and my husband knew that (he was allowed home to visit for a while yesterday) and I thought he might ring and see how I was. But he didn't. I know he is in hospital for a reason - to work on himself, which in turn will benefit us, our relationship and our family as a whole - I need to remember that. I think I'm having a woe is me moment. Plenty of people have it far worse than this, they feel less lonely or less isolated and have experienced far worse than I have. I need to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep on rollin'.

 

[maddog]

Not straight away Bilby, because you're allowed to hurt too, and to need help and support and empathy and, well, just a big hug!! Yours is no doubt a tough and, at times, a lonely and thankless journey, and don't ever be ashamed to say so.

Do you have a friend you could catch up with? What do you love to do, just for you? Something soothing and fun - maybe something that's hard to find time for while your husband is around?
Maybe you need to spoil yourself for a little while, and to not feel guilt in doing that.

Big hugs to you.

Maddog

 

[Bilby]

As sad as it sounds, I'm not quite sure what I enjoy doing?! Before my depression/anxiety set in badly in my late teens, I was kind of sporty and also played a musical instrument. I gave those things away, found friendships dwindled etc.

I have a very small circle of friends (I prefer it that way) and if I'm honest, I'm quite a hermit really.

This morning I decided that I need to exercise, so jumped on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I really dislike exercise, but I did it anyway thinking it would naturally lift my spirits and give me some energy - fail! I'm now more tired! :) I'm trying to make a committment to myself though, to find 30 minutes of exercise time a day so that I can be more healthy. We'll see how that goes. The chocolate mousse in the fridge is calling me though.... :x3:

 

[maddog]

Exercise is a God send to me in terms of stress relief, and I never used to believe this would be the case until my T nagged me about it so much that I joined a gym and started using my own treadmill (on non-gym days) just to shut him up. It really does help me in ways I don't fully understand, somehow just helping to channel and disperse stress and help me to focus positive attention on feeling strong, fit and hence in control, both physically and psychologically.

I know exercise isn't for everyone, but it's worth a shot, just to see if it's worth the effort and the aching muscles you haven't used for years...

I don't tend to know what I enjoy either, that came as a sad and confronting realisation when people first started encouraging me to figure out what that was. I'd worked, obsessively, my entire adult life, and had no time for enjoyable things. Trying new things, just small things, little at a time, is a good way of venturing a toe into the water to see if something tickles your fancy.

And truly, as one hermit to another, I agree that's mostly totally ok too, as long as there is a small but select group of social contacts to bounce off. When it comes to people, it's all about quality not quantity.

Maddog

 

[Bilby]

You're brave - I couldn't step foot inside a gym.

I think I'm starting to realise that in order to help my own mental health (which is not in peak form at present), I need to do the exercise, as much as I dislike it. I may even grow to like it, who knows? :) In any event, after I put little bubby bilby to bed for a sleep, I got on the treadmill. So I've already done my 30 minutes of exercise for today too. This feels good - I have about 20kg of baby bilby weight to shift to get back to my normal (and healthy) size too :O_o: Truthfully, the way I look is something I am having a lot of issues with too. I don't feel like I look like me - I feel very overweight and self-conscious.

I think I'm also starting to realise that I need to set the right example for the little bilbies too. I have to eat well, and exercise. Plus... I seem to have issues with things that I can't control - and these are both things that are within my power to control. I just have to somehow switch my brain on to saying no to sweet things. That is my greatest downfall.

I had the worst night's sleep last night - I think I need to talk to my psychiatrist about it, it's really a pain in the backside at the moment, although I suspect if my stress levels were lower, it may settle down a bit. I'd hoped that the exercise would help, but my mind was just way too active, going over and over and over all sorts of stuff in my head - I just couldn't switch off. None of it pleasant stuff either - always the way.

I agree with you about quality not quantity when it comes to friends - very true. I do find that sometimes I get a little irritated though - their lives seem to be perfect - full of everything sweetness and light, not a care in the world, all full of happiness. I'm sure this is probably not the case - no one is perfect - but it just feels like it in comparison to my life which I find rather difficult. That said, I do often appear to be 'fine' when I'm really not - who knows, they may do that at times themselves.

I know life isn't all beer and skittles. But maybe it could be a can of coke and a packet of M & M's from time to time?! :laugh:

Geez... I do talk some nonsense at times, huh? :rolleyes:

 

[StellaB]

Oh, Bilby, I relate so much. When my husband went to PTSD treatment for 2 months, we had just moved to a new old house. I had been so strong. Everyone at work said I was so strong! Then, I saw evidence of a mouse. So I was strong and set a trap. And the mouse was caught and DID NOT DIE! It was flipping around in the trap, my dog was scared of it,and I lost it. Every bit of loss and feeling abandoned came out ! I was mad, and sad, and scared and mad again! I just really really wanted someone to take care of me! I don't know what to offer you except what others have said, and having a new baby has to make it so hard for you. But I do understand, and no, you aren't selfish for thinking it. If you have someone that you can not "be strong" around, maybe just venting would help. It's been a long road and there are still bad days, but my husband is doing better, and the mice are gone!

 

[discarded]

Bilby, I know where you are coming from too. If you are anything like me you really want your support to come from your husband and it isn't possible. When we marry we say for better or for worse and you are currently in need of some of the better. Hope you feel better soon, but don't think badly of yourself, you are doing a great job and are entitled to have off days. ((((hugs))))

 

[Bilby]

Thanks Stella and Discarded :)