A Bit of a Weird One

[Vero]

I don't know how many people use to have this kind of thoughts, but for me death was always on my mind. When I was 3 years old my grandfather died and I was surrounded during my childhood by old and dying family members so I developed this idea that I'm also very sick and I'm gonna die soon. It took me some years to mature and shake off this false belief, but I used to ask myself as a child how my parents will do without me, if I will have time to read all the books I want to read or finish school, etc. Having a job or getting married seemed too far away to be a real possibility.
I also could never actually end my life, no matter what, for me the biggest reason would be my religious beliefs but I sometimes think if it wouldn't be for that I don't know what I would have done at certain points in my life...
In the end, if I were to chose my way of dying, I would definitely chose an accident, or just something sudden. I don't think I could go through a long illness and being aware that each day I will feel worse and worse until my body will not be able to take it anymore. That to me is more painful than anything in the world.
So yeah, I also think about death a lot...on a more positive note, it gives me a break from the present moment and helps me put things into perspective, what really matters at the end of the day and what not.

 

[blackemerald1]

Regarding funerals, the control freak in me wants nothing. Nothing at all. Nomusic, no funeral - nothing. It’s not for m

^I agree I'm all for nothing. But then I must remind the myself that funerals are not for the dead... I mean yeah that's why we are there for sure but funerals are for the living. So I won't get a say about too much - well not that they will listen to.

I don't think I could go through a long illness and being aware that each day I will feel worse and worse until my body will not be able to take it anymore.

^You may have no choice.

And I've read a few responses where not wearing a seatbelt or otherwise dying in an accident is the aim?
Just wanted to suggest that there are a lot of people sitting in nursing homes unable to get out of their crippled bodies cos they elected to go someplace without the seatbelt. Dying would have been preferable to being trapped in their living hell but they got rescued. Not all accidents wipe you out. Mostly, we will never know if they did it deliberately but whatever, it didn't work. :sorry:

 

[Eliza]

Thank you so much for the links @Justmehere - I didn’t realise so many people thought the same as me. And I didn’t realise there was a name for it.

The fear of not instantly dying and ending permanently disabled and becoming even more of a burden on my family is a large part of what is stopping me from just stepping out in front of a car. I like to think that I would never do it because of what it would do to my family. But there are moments when I feel like such a burden that I think they would be better off without me.

 

[Mach123]

Thank you so much for the links @Justmehere - I didn’t realise so many people thought the same as me. And I didn’t realise there was a name for it.

The fear of not instantly dying and ending permanently disabled and becoming even more of a burden on my family is a large part of what is stopping me from just stepping out in front of a car. I like to think that I would never do it because of what it would do to my family. But there are moments when I feel like such a burden that I think they would be better off without me.

I don't think there is anything funny about depression or suicidal thoughts but...

This is kinda funny. I recall this kid in the 80s he was some kinda pro athlete and he jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge to kill himself and swam ashore and said "I really screwed that up."

And seriously it's easier as you get older because the idea of death is just different than when you are young, it's easier.

I mean you know it's coming so why rush it?

I used to talk with my mother in law about it when she (and everyone's else) were still alive, and she'd say "you don't mind the idea of being dead, you just want it to be painless."

Idk if I ever didn't feel like that even at my happiest?