A Cause For Concern

[popeye]

I really do not want to admit this but it has been festering for a long time and is becoming more dominant in my thoughts. I have been considering suicide. Not like I have a plan or anything or have attempted but I have been considering it.

I first of all know that I cannot do that to my wife, kids and family. And that the lord will not accept me into heaven if I take my own life. But lately I have seen suicide as the only way out. It appears that all of my hard work over my time working has not paid off and neither has my being helpful to others.

I am unable to work anymore so I am in financial trouble big time. I have a court case coming up tomorrow about a bill that there is no way for me to pay. I cannot seem to even get my wife to help me clean up the house. My puppy training is not coming along as fast as I need it to, to be helpful in me getting a job. I can't even get the medication that was prescribed to me to help me ease my depression.

I am feeling very lost and very hopeless and I am feeling the only way out is death. The problem is that is not an option lol. Too many little people smiles that I would miss out on. Too many fishing trips I wouldn't get to take.

My problem is that when I think of suicide I feel a sense of calm. And I am not sure but I think that's a bad thing. So to pose a question, Should I go see a professional and get checked back into the hospital?

 

[Deleted member 541]

I have attempted 8 times in my life, and the thoughts are never out of my mind, just different levels.....The thought of suicide is always there, but when there is a stressor, the thoughts start taking on making plans, how to, and they progress from there......Suicide ideation is fairly common for people with PTSD, and therefore it's also serious.

If there is a way for you to talk to someone you trust, a priest, clergy person, trusted friend, therapist, just someone that can listen, and possibly help to you sort things out, it may help......If you feel that it serious, then yes, check yourself into the hospital........Although, they may not take you, unless you tell them that you are planning........That's they way they do things now....

Hang in there and keep talking........

 

[Deleted member 541]

Popeye, I just did a quick search on Ambein... I believe that you were just prescribed this med quite recently....Some of the side effects are depression and abnormal thoughts, mood changes ect.....This *might* be where your sudden thoughts of suicide are coming from.....Just a thought....

 

[TLight]

I am like She Cat.

The thoughts are always there, playing in the background and they are very comforting.

Yes, when things get stressful or I think about losing Scott and being alone again......I have the plan for that day.

That being said, follow She Cat's advice and check in if you feel like you are losing the battle with the thoughts.

In the meantime, I try to work with mine. I sort of 'talk' to them and tell them that they are there because I'm needing a break, some comfort, some light to shine, less stress.........those thoughts are telling me I'm needing things that I'm not getting at the time.

So I listen and tell myself to wait.............things ALWAYS change. That is just a rule of life.

Don't do it and work with those thoughts to try to figure out what you really need.

It is not your fault you are disabled. Be kind to you............

 

[suzie q]

I completely agree with Tlight's comment....tell yourself to wait.

When I'm overloaded with problems that I feel (not necessarily true) I have no control over, I stress to the max. My brain tells me that there is no other way to handle the pain but to check out. For me, the calm feeling is due to the fact that I feel like I have found the answer to the stress. I don't have to think on it anymore. Of course, this is my obsessive mind trying to find a place of peace and serenity.

I had to learn that when I think of ending it, that's not what I'm really screaming out for. I want help. I don't want to feel the way I'm feeling anymore, not for one second. I've had enough!

So, as Tlight said, "So I listen and tell myself to wait....things ALWAYS change." I may have to wait minute to minute, hour to hour, but I tell myself OK...what can I do this minute to change my thought processes? It's usually something physical and involves getting out of my present location, whether it be going to the yard or sitting in the car. The main thing is.....WAIT just this one minute and see if it's different. If it isn't wait until the next 10 minutes, etc...

Take a deep breath and know you are not alone and there is nothing in this world that is worth taking your own life. IT WILL GET BETTER!

 

[a3a2]

Oh, Popeye, wish I could give you a hug.

I think Shecat has a really good point on the meds. The one time in my life I thought pretty seriously about suicide, it was medication induced. I think you better check in with whoever perscribed the meds.

Additional advice....make sure you are having good contac with someone who cares about you every day...an adult friend, a relative who knows you well.

You must be pretty nervous about the court stuff. I am so sorry. I think you will probably find understanding when you get there. Times are tough. People understand that.

 

[cragger65]

Hey popeye, I had no idea. I struggle with these feelings fairly regularly myself, and as T and others have said, it changes. Myself, I've got to just get out of the house for a while sometimes, go for a walk, a drive, whatever.

The Ambien may be the culprit, all these meds mess with our brain chemistry in some way or another. Also, have a look in the phone book or ask at the hospital if there are any free support lines available in your town. It's not my favorite thing to do, but I have called before when it's the middle of the night and I just need to talk to someone. Some of the people working there are definately better than others, but that's the luck of the draw. Giving your name is optional, of course. Just another tool in the box.

take care of yourself, and let me know how you're doing,
Dave

 

[Dylan]

Hi All -

Really grateful that I dropped by today and for this thread.

Popeye - my experience and, therefore, suggestions are the same as others' here: check with your doctor re: medications and suicidal ideation. My experience is that any CNS depressant increases this tendency in me (it's why I can't take tranquilizers for anxiety on a regular basis); actually, even using propranolol on a consistent basis can increase suicidal ideation for me.

My brain latched on to suicide as a possible way out of the pain when I was 10 and has never fully let go. When stressors go higher than my skill/support system, my brain goes there to give me some relief: I don't have to panic all the way because I know I have a way out -- even if I never take it. CBT even teaches social phobia sufferers to have a planned way out (of a situation) because people panic less if they don't feel trapped, and they often then don't need to use the way out...simply because they have one.

That said, suicidal ideation is, of course, not something to be taken lightly. But for long-term "ideators" like myself, I've come to mostly know my pattern....which leads me to why I'm so grateful to have touched down here tonight; life has been over the top stressful for several months now and I'm very nearly to the breaking point. I have, in fact, been looking into in-patient care. But my point -- I was so lost in the fog, I forgot that suicidal ideation is part of the PTSD gig. I was beginning to, well, believe it. That is some scary shit, indeed, so thanks to everyone for this thread.

Anyway, Popeye - I'm grateful that you posted your concern; that right there is a postive self-care step. When deep in the shit, the CBT I work with says, "Do not judge (myself or others), minimize harm (to myself and others) and KNOW IT WILL PASS. Hang in there...lots of good support here.

-Dylan

 

[popeye]

So if I don't take the med I don't sleep. If I don't sleep I get more depressed and angry. If I get more depressed and angry I start to drink. If I start to drink then nobody is happy with me.

 

[Deleted member 541]

There are different sleep medications that you can try. Ambein isn't the only one on the market.

 

[popeye]

Sorry for my last post. I was frustrated. I did not mean it as an attack on anyone and if it came across that way I am sorry.

Ambein is one of the few that my insurance will pay for. I am not sure about others.

 

[a3a2]

Popeye,

Buspar nearly killed me, citaloplam gave me back a life (it is also very very cheap). Meds work differently in different people. You may just need a change. Talk to the doc.

How did the court appearance go?